16, gay male, Pentecostal/Charismatic background

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Joined in 2007
May 27, 2009, 20:49

Yes “MOBILEGUY” made a good book reference

Good greif! Sorry!! 😆 😆

No ones supposed to know we drink…!!

Oh Mags. 😆 😆

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
May 28, 2009, 17:28

Days of reflection like that are good. I usually have a dinner by/with myself on my real birthday…..sort of a date with my boyfriend within…..we talk….reflect…celebrate…and plan the next 12 months.

For those of you who are a bit bemused … the boyfriend within is a concept developed in a book called Finding The Boyfriend Within by Brad Gooch. An excellent guide for us single gay folk who desire self-discovery and self-understanding 8)

what I find fascinating is that gay men either hate the book with an intensity or sing its praises as a life changing experience. there is no middle ground with readers.

Read the reviews on people either give it a one star or 5 star rating

Joined in 2008
September 10, 2009, 21:45

Hello there, been a while since I’ve posted. A lot has happened since my last post, so this is just a quick update. 🙂

Things have been going better overall. I’m now a high school senior and I’m feeling more and more comfortable at school. I’ve certainly come a long way from middle school and my underclassman years, where the image I used to describe myself was someone who was attached to a time bomb, a bomb that would come off if I ever came out to anyone. I’m very happy about how improved my situation is, but still, it can be better. In spite of that fact, I’m trying to be content with the way things are and I’m very thankful that God has been so gracious with me. I know that many youth in my same situation become caught up in a silent cycle of despair, a fact which both chills me and reminds me that God has been so good to me by keeping me from going through that.

Perhaps the best thing that has happened to me is there is a guy at school who is friends with me. This is a HUGE DEAL for me. I don’t think he fully realizes how meaningful this friendship actually is. For the longest time, I didn’t think I could be close friends (surface friendships, not a problem, closeness is what I mean) with any of the guys at school, because I thought they were all either homophobic losers or just people who don’t really mesh with me personality wise. And wonder of wonders, I’ve found a guy at my school who actually does mesh with me personality wise and is not a homophobic loser. He single-handedly proves that I can be friends with guys after all. I used to shy away from guys and hang out almost exclusively with girls, because I had such low expectations for the guys at my school. But thanks to this guy, I now know that guys can be good friends with me too. I always, in my head, had thought that was true, but having a guy like him be such a good friend to me just makes it all the more real to me. Not only that, but to make this friendship even more amazing, the guy is a conservative Republican Christian who wants to join the Army, yet it’s him and not any of my more liberal friends who showed the best listening, the most thoughtfulness, and the most open-mindedness (in it’s purest form, I’d say) out of all the people I’ve ever – EVER – talked to when we discussed homosexuality, including talking about homosexuality and the Bible. He’s pretty much the kind of guy who I did not believe existed in my school (or anywhere within a thousand mile radius for that matter), but there he is. His friendship is so meaningful to me, because it shows how wrong I’ve been on several things. For one, I assumed, wrongly, that my more liberal friends would be better communicating with me on gay issues, but he has shown me that conservative people can be just as perceptive and caring, sometimes even more. And secondly, just the fact that I’m close friends with a guy now is in it of itself a strange but amazing thing for me. You probably won’t be able to understand it, if you’ve never been in a similar situation, but just believe me when I say it’s a big deal. 🙂

Anyway. That’s all for now. I’ll try to do a better job of posting more here. 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 11, 2009, 11:42

I always enjoy reading your updates gettingthere. so good to know that you have found a male friend… is affirming, validating etc isn’t it. I think one thing it does for us is affirm our maleness…..which as gay men we sometimes doubt. Possibly another thing it does for us as same sex oriented guys is that it fills some of our needs of closeness, connection and intimacy with guys.

Those who are less aware think that as gay males the only connection we have is sexually. this just demonstrates their ignorance about sexual orientation. Its much more profound than a physical thing.

Straight buddies are great…..especially if they are really cool about their own sexual orientation and don’t feel insecure or threatened by a friendship with a gay male.

always good to hear that you are going along well.

Joined in 2008
September 21, 2009, 03:39

I know it’s very late, but I can’t sleep. There has been too much running through my head recently and I need to release it. All of this is related to the guy who I told you about in my last post. I’m going to give him a name… Spur… because in many ways he spurs on a lot of things in my life… and just like a spur, he can sometimes hurt me in ways that only somebody who is close to you can.

A little bit of background. Spur and I are very different, both of us agree that we are probably opposites of each other. The only reason we started becoming friends was our mutual interest in drama. That is what brought us together and after a while, we found our personalities mesh very well. Aside from that, we have almost nothing in common. Spur is from the southern US and is a fervent right-wing Republican, conservative Evangelical Christian, war-obsessed, and athletic. He’s younger than me, but he’s already bigger than me. We joke that if there is no war when he joins the army, he will start one just so that he can be in one. I, on the other hand, am politically moderate, “conservaliberal” theologically, don’t care much for war, and I’m definitely not a big athlete. Another point – we have almost totally different sets of friends. This is a very small school, so this is significant. It’s almost as though Spur is friends with one half, the group I would call ‘the popular group’ and I’m friends with the other half, the group I would call ‘everyone else’. And what else… oh yes, I’m gay and he’s straight. So yes, we’re very different people and on paper we should actually be avoiding each other, but I consider him one of my best friends and I’m sure he considers me one of his. (At least, he’d better, haha.)

So this story kind of has two parts.

First part. For a number of months, I had actually been very gradually falling in love with this guy. There is a lot I could say about this phase, but I’m just going to skip straight into the part that actually means something significant. I told him that I liked him. I mean… that event alone shows how far I’ve come, that I would 1) have a close male friend at all, 2) have this guy be someone I trusted enough to be able to confess this to and have faith that he would be handle this well, and 3) not really care too much about how he responded and believe that no matter how he reacted the two of us would be able to work it out eventually. Thankfully, he was an absolute star (as he is almost the time. He’s almost like a fantastic mythical creature come to life.) and he took it very well. I just needed to have him tell me that it would never happen, because up to this point he had never explicitly told me he was straight (the fact that he didn’t feel the need to do this speaks highly of him). So now I’m no longer deluded into believing that maybe someday we’ll be boyfriends, which is great because now I can resume with the friendship with a clear head. The whole situation was so effortless, so incredibly painless that I’m still marveling at how incredibly simple it was. It was basically a great experience. 🙂

So that’s the good news… now on to the second part…

After that, we ended up talking to each other again and this time, it became clear that our differences actually did mean something, that they were not just mere quirks but things that the two of us are going to have to actively reconcile if we are ever going to make this relationship actually work. What happened was, during the course of our conservation, I asked if he would come to my wedding if I invited him. After avoiding the question a bit, he finally said no. And I cried then and I’m crying now as I type this. I was not expecting to react so strongly, but I should’ve known I would. That is a highly emotionally charged question for me. I can remember when I first came out, lying on the floor of my parent’s room in tears, having my dad look over me and tell me that he wouldn’t come to my wedding. That moment, that singular moment more than anything else that my parents did or said prompted me to turn against them. It was almost as if they had said that they didn’t care about me. If they refused to be there for me on what should be the happiest day of my life, then when would they be there for me?

I explained this to Spur and told him how I felt. And in that moment, I felt so much pity for him. A few hours later it occurred to me that our relationship is very similar to the current relationship between the church and gay Christians. I know that he loves me and cares about me and in fact, his love for me is even more real to me than my parents’ love for me. (On a scale of 1-10, I give my parents a 3 on the way they handled their son coming out.) He even told me how I said that he isn’t homophobic, he said that up to only a few years ago he was extremely homophobic and only now is he beginning to change and I think it is because of me. But he is still stuck in the difficult position of caring about a person who is gay and at the same time being unable to give approval to his orientation. (And yes, I know my parents were in the same position. And in many ways, my relationship with Spur has spurred me to rethink my feelings about my parents. But as of now, I’m still unwilling to risk being hurt by them again by awakening them from their otherworldly state of denial. I can’t put myself through that, at least not right now.) Some of the comments he even made to me made it sound like he felt obligated to be opposed to homosexuality. But I still felt like he was genuinely hurt by the fact that he had no choice but to say what he believed when he knew that doing so would bring great pain to his friend. I know that he took no delight, no pleasure in having to wound me in this way. I can accept him for what he has done and I sympathize with him. I am not mad at him specifically. At some point, everything will be fine between us once more. But for now I am still hurt.

The hurt that I felt then actually showed me something else though. I’m actually not nearly as resolved in these issues as I thought as I was. I cried when I thought I was strong. I tried to fall asleep but I ended up falling headlong into despair, that oh-so-familiar pit of emotional muck, not just over what Spur said, but over the whole issue with my parents. I very briefly even contemplated suicide, which surprised me further because I thought I was already past that. Apparently, I had been doing nothing more than suppressing all these feelings. And when I get out of this little phase, I know it’ll only be because I’ve suppressed my feelings again. I want so much to have these problems over with, but dealing with them totally involves too much risk. Sigh. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is only for a moment. But it’s the moment I’m living in right now and it’s a painful and confusing moment.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 21, 2009, 14:30

hey getting there…..please keep using this forum as a way of journaling about your journey. I believe it would be helpful for you to have this outlet…..and know that there are people out there who are genuinely interested in you and your welfare.

I sort of read between the lines when you’ve talked about spur that you were possibly falling in love with him….hehe.

I know I’m not telling you anything new that it is very common for us as young gay men to fall in love with a straight friend. There is something beautiful about the dynamic of a relationship with a great straight guy we connect with and is cool about our sexuality. Any gay man who says he has never done this would probably be in denial I would think. Some unfortunately make a habit of it and live their lives with unrequited love.

Dont be too hard on yourself my dear man… is a part of the journey. the fact that you have feelings for spur makes the experience very intense.

Not sure if I have helped much there….but wanted to acknowledge that I’ve read your post and am thinking about you.

Joined in 2008
September 21, 2009, 23:28

Thanks avb. I appreciate that.

Today, I read through the whole thread. I saw your little feature of me on your Facebook profile, avb, thought it was kind of neat. And then I saw people’s comments and they were positive and I was a little bit surprised, so I felt compelled to read through the whole thread again to see if I could understand what everyone was talking about. And wow, I actually come off as way smarter than I thought I did. But… I don’t think I’m quite as mature as some people make me out to be. I imagine the perceived maturity is because I have a lot of ideas and I’m good at expressing them. Writing is a God-given talent that I have and for years people who I’ve communicated with only over the Internet have told me that they could not believe me when I told them what my real age was due to how smart my writing sounded. But hm, maybe I actually am more mature than I give myself credit for. I certainly wouldn’t know. Maturity creeps up on you so slowly that you never really notice when you have it. But I mean, half of my posts were me begging all of you to help me because of how much I hated my life, not exactly something that I would immediately associate with maturity. And I must also confess that maturity is a very difficult label for me to apply to myself, because when I was a child my parents and my grandma would tell me over and over again that I was an immature little boy. (Looking back, yeah, I definitely deserved it, but I also acknowledge that I’m so far down the road from where I was as a child.) Maybe I’ve absorbed that criticism of myself and now I can’t believe that I am a mature person? It’s certainly possible.

And wow, that is not at all what I had intended to write about. I had intended to say that in reading through my thread again, I was surprised to see how a lot of the same themes repeated themselves and also at how very resolved I seemed to feel at certain points of my life. I’m wondering how I really felt back then, because I’m not even that resolved now and I can’t imagine that I was more resolved then. Also, some of the things I’d written about I had actually forgotten. So it was good to read it again. I’m sure I’ll post here more often now. My posts were usually separated by a few months. Hopefully no-one will mind if I update you all more frequently than that, hehe. 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 22, 2009, 07:31

we think you are special gettingthere and glad that God has brought you into this space. You make a wonderful contribution to our forum.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 22, 2009, 07:40

putting links to stories and interesting discussions was the idea I had of letting more people know about freedom 2 b[e]

It seems to have worked.

I realise not everyone will be able to do it.

Your story caused some interest as I thought it would.

Joined in 2005
September 22, 2009, 22:01


a great story mate. Honest, insightful and vulnerable. You have walked through a dark place and emerged really well. Such lessons can only come by way of such journeys. They are rarely welcome when they happen but they equip us for what is ahead.

You have a terrific heart and I wish all the very bext in the exciting days ahead.

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