Hi everyone, my name is Peter and i am a gay christian from perth. I have just joined this wonderful community and would like to make friends. I don't know any gay christians. it is very lonely,
I want to tell my story so it may help people who are in a desperate situation in life, or feel that there is no hope
I am marrying ( unofficial, sucks doesn't it) my darling partner Chris this September. We have been together for 7 years and we both have given our hearts to Jesus and serve him. My life is fufiled now that i am learning to see GOD as a devine being that loves me not hates me. It is not always easy. It was a long journey for me. I will try to make this interesting i have never done this before Here goes….
I was raised in a wonderfully disfunctional Seventh Day Adventist Home. My brother and i used to joke that we were more disfunction than the simpsons! There was love in the home, from my mum, but also physical abuse and when i was 5 years old i was molested by my step dad.
This messed me up big time. it took a long time to get over that, and if anyone has been through that ordeal, there is a lot of questions that don't get asked because you feel there is no one to talk too. You start to feel that you are disgusting and sick in the head when you are old enough to reflect because you knew it was wrong but you also felt pleasure. Not having information available caused me many years of self hatred and depression.
I know i was born gay but the sexual abuse made me think i was gay because i enjoyed it. I have now come to the point where i can talk about it now, praise Jesus because he can heal the pain. I have even forgiven the man for what he did. only in my head though.
Sorry i got sidetrackted. When i was 11 i knew that i loved boys not girls and that i wanted to hold hands with them and date them. i didn't really think about sex then. When i was 12 i asked my mum what would she think if i was gay. She told me that she would cry to God and pray everyday that i would change. I was heart broken. I was lucky to have a mum who still said she would love me. This event pushed me far away from my mum during my teenage years and i had a hard time feeling that i could talk to her about anything and part of me was angry with her. I was also angry with God and the church. My church wasn't so full on about the anti gay message but they still preached against it. Which made me oftem feel suicidal or pray to God to make me straight.
As i got to about 14 or 15 i hade a few crushes on boys in my class and i would dream about having hollywood teeenage romance with them, but the majority of my brain pushed these thoughts far away so that i wouldn't think about it. i even tried to delude my self that i could be with girls even though i had no sexual attraction to them.
Alll this denial and secret life and thoughts was destroying me inside and evertime someone asked me about which girls i liked i found it very hard to say anything or would make up lies. I died a little inside each time this happened.
When i was 16 and onwards i would dream of marrying a man and the happy life i would lead. i thought it was impossible most of the time and cried my self to sleep most nights
Things came to a head real bad when i was 17. With the stress of failing year 12( my grades were stuffed due to abusive childhood unstable home) i tried to kill myself. On the night i contemplated doing it i opened up the bible for guidance. The holy spirit showed me a passage in that book that basically said God loves me know matter what. However it still wasn't enough to convince me.
People say killing your self is a cowardly thing to do… its not. I came up with so much courage and will power i was actually able to attempt it. But thankfully it didn't work. I have very mild OCD, bordeline asperges and ADD. On the day I got dressed for school but skipped and tricked my mum that i caught the bus.
I took all of my 25 dexamphetamine tablets that day in the hope that my heart would beat so fast i would have a heart atack and die. I wrote out my last will and testimony as my whole body was shaking, and my hands. Luckily it didn't work. its not easy bringing this up again, but if this helps others from choosing life i need to share.
My mum found me at home and i told her what i did. She didn't know what to say or do except hug me.
I knew that i had to tell my mum. A million thoughts ran through my mind. What would happen to me, where would i live.
i built up enough courage to tell her. She just hugged me and told me that it was ok, that she knew of other people in the church who were gay but i was not allowed to have gay sex and that it was a sin.
I didn't care that it was a sin i just knew that i couldn't be celibate because i would kill my self.
Things didn't get that much easier straight away, my mum was very upset and uncomfortable with me for many years.
When i was 19 i came out to the world and read articles on being gay and loving God. I still had doubts about whether i would go to hell. I turned my back on God and left the church because of my mum not accepting me wholly.
Over the past 3 years i found many internet websites that prove celabate life doesn't work and that the bible passages used against us are mis interpretations. I have found so much evidence of gays having stronger relationships with Jesus since coming out.
I met my partner when i was 20, we got engaged when i was 21. At the engagement party All my colleagues from work were there and my mum came as well. All though my mum still didn't accept it she wanted me to be happy.
Things work out in the end it just takes time. My mum is even coming to the wedding, and she has become a real christian, even accepting my partner chris as part of the family
I still suffer from depression but it doesn't last that long because Jesus lives in me. I am yet to actualy hear his voice and a part of my defunct human thoughts make me question if God approves because i pray all the time and read the bible but i don't hear him. but i am learning to realise that God loves me the way i am and that i should love my self as well
Sorry if its too long. I will just leave you with one finally thing. If you are gay, bi, tran, whatever, as long as you live your sex life and relationship in a way that God approves you are living in Christ.
God bless you all
|