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27 year old gay christian

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peter dauven
 
Joined in 2013
May 7, 2013, 01:41

Hi everyone, my name is Peter and i am a gay christian from perth. I have just joined this wonderful community and would like to make friends. I don't know any gay christians. it is very lonely,


I want to tell my story so it may help people who are in a desperate situation in life, or feel that there is no hope


I am marrying ( unofficial, sucks doesn't it) my darling partner Chris this September. We have been together for 7 years and we both have given our hearts to Jesus and serve him. My life is fufiled now that i am learning to see GOD as a devine being that loves me not hates me. It is not always easy. It was a long journey for me. I will try to make this interesting i have never done this before Here goes….


I was raised in a wonderfully disfunctional Seventh Day Adventist Home. My brother and i used to joke that we were more disfunction than the simpsons! There was love in the home, from my mum, but also physical abuse and when i was 5 years old i was molested by my step dad.

This messed me up big time. it took a long time to get over that, and if anyone has been through that ordeal, there is a lot of questions that don't get asked because you feel there is no one to talk too. You start to feel that you are disgusting and sick in the head when you are old enough to reflect because you knew it was wrong but you also felt pleasure. Not having information available caused me many years of self hatred and depression.


I know i was born gay but the sexual abuse made me think i was gay because i enjoyed it. I have now come to the point where i can talk about it now, praise Jesus because he can heal the pain. I have even forgiven the man for what he did. only in my head though.


Sorry i got sidetrackted. When i was 11 i knew that i loved boys not girls and that i wanted to hold hands with them and date them. i didn't really think about sex then. When i was 12 i asked my mum what would she think if i was gay. She told me that she would cry to God and pray everyday that i would change. I was heart broken. I was lucky to have a mum who still said she would love me. This event pushed me far away from my mum during my teenage years and i had a hard time feeling that i could talk to her about anything and part of me was angry with her. I was also angry with God and the church. My church wasn't so full on about the anti gay message but they still preached against it. Which made me oftem feel suicidal or pray to God to make me straight.


As i got to about 14 or 15 i hade a few crushes on boys in my class and i would dream about having hollywood teeenage romance with them, but the majority of my brain pushed these thoughts far away so that i wouldn't think about it. i even tried to delude my self that i could be with girls even though i had no sexual attraction to them.

Alll this denial and secret life and thoughts was destroying me inside and evertime someone asked me about which girls i liked i found it very hard to say anything or would make up lies. I died a little inside each time this happened.


When i was 16 and onwards i would dream of marrying a man and the happy life i would lead. i thought it was impossible most of the time and cried my self to sleep most nights


Things came to a head real bad when i was 17. With the stress of failing year 12( my grades were stuffed due to abusive childhood unstable home) i tried to kill myself. On the night i contemplated doing it i opened up the bible for guidance. The holy spirit showed me a passage in that book that basically said God loves me know matter what. However it still wasn't enough to convince me.


People say killing your self is a cowardly thing to do… its not. I came up with so much courage and will power i was actually able to attempt it. But thankfully it didn't work. I have very mild OCD, bordeline asperges and ADD. On the day I got dressed for school but skipped and tricked my mum that i caught the bus.

I took all of my 25 dexamphetamine tablets that day in the hope that my heart would beat so fast i would have a heart atack and die. I wrote out my last will and testimony as my whole body was shaking, and my hands. Luckily it didn't work. its not easy bringing this up again, but if this helps others from choosing life i need to share.


My mum found me at home and i told her what i did. She didn't know what to say or do except hug me.


I knew that i had to tell my mum. A million thoughts ran through my mind. What would happen to me, where would i live.

i built up enough courage to tell her. She just hugged me and told me that it was ok, that she knew of other people in the church who were gay but i was not allowed to have gay sex and that it was a sin.


I didn't care that it was a sin i just knew that i couldn't be celibate because i would kill my self.


Things didn't get that much easier straight away, my mum was very upset and uncomfortable with me for many years.


When i was 19 i came out to the world and read articles on being gay and loving God. I still had doubts about whether i would go to hell. I turned my back on God and left the church because of my mum not accepting me wholly.


Over the past 3 years i found many internet websites that prove celabate life doesn't work and that the bible passages used against us are mis interpretations. I have found so much evidence of gays having stronger relationships with Jesus since coming out.


I met my partner when i was 20, we got engaged when i was 21. At the engagement party All my colleagues from work were there and my mum came as well. All though my mum still didn't accept it she wanted me to be happy.

Things work out in the end it just takes time. My mum is even coming to the wedding, and she has become a real christian, even accepting my partner chris as part of the family


I still suffer from depression but it doesn't last that long because Jesus lives in me. I am yet to actualy hear his voice and a part of my defunct human thoughts make me question if God approves because i pray all the time and read the bible but i don't hear him. but i am learning to realise that God loves me the way i am and that i should love my self as well


Sorry if its too long. I will just leave you with one finally thing. If you are gay, bi, tran, whatever, as long as you live your sex life and relationship in a way that God approves you are living in Christ.

God bless you all



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
May 7, 2013, 11:47

Great story there Peter


Welcome to Freedom2b and congratulations on your wedding plans. Even unofficial.


(as an aside the term Marriage is actually a word that has Multiple meanings. So there is the legal meaning – which in Australia refers to the Federal Marriage Act of 1961. In terms of legal protections the family law act of 1975 covers same sex relationships and provides most of legal coverage, IANL (I am not a lawyer) but my understanding – is that unless there are children involved – the defacto legal regime provides same sex couples with pretty much the required legal framework and protections. However – the term marriage also refers to the "sacrement" of marriage, where a minister or priest blesses the union of two people. IT should be noted that whilst we use the same term – this is a different thing altogether. For example – you can be legally married under Australian Law – but if you married a divorced person – some churches will NOT recognise that marriage. There are a number cases and areas where various churches definition of marriage differ from the legal one – and this is ignoring the same sex issue. Its also worth noting that whether marriage was actually a sacrement that should be blessed by the church was hotly contested in the protestant reformation. Its not always been universally considered a christian sacrement. So my point is this – if you find a minister (perhaps from MCC ?) who will marry you – then there is a good case to be made that you ARE married from a sacrement point of view – and if you live together – the law already recognises your relationship. I will note that when I worked in Europe – my partner was officially recognised as my spouse – based on our defacto laws. So the point I am making is IF getting married gives the two of you what you want – the fact its NOT covered by the Federal Marriage act is not necessarily that important.. and its still a great thing to do…. )

– Dont get me wrong – I am a great supporter of the idea that the marriage act should ALSO apply to same sex couples… but what Im trying to say is that unless there are children involved – you have legal recognition and the various churches dont agree on what marriage actually is NOW – so you get married by a celebrant you are happy with – then thats actually pretty good . Even a straight person who marries – may find not all churches will recognise their marriage under all circumstances anyway…. So I think you are doing a great thing….


Great that you told us you story !



Michelle
President
Joined in 2008
May 7, 2013, 17:30

Hi Peter

Welcome to freedom2b 🙂

Thank you for sharing your story with us! It's lovely to hear you have found happiness with your partner and have been able to move forward from what sounds like some very difficult experiences in your youth. I too have been with my partner for 7yrs, we also are as married as we can be! We would love to marry one day also 🙂

We have a fantastic chapter in Perth, run by Graham and Bev. If you're interested you can email [email protected] for more information. We are not a Christian organisation however we certainly have many in our community who do identify as gay Christians 🙂

Thanks again for your post

Warm regards

Michelle



peter dauven
 
Joined in 2013
May 7, 2013, 22:53

Hi everyone,

it was quite liberating getting my story out in the open. Actually its not easy bringing up old ghosts. But i am in a very happy place in life now.


But i have to say that i was a little bit anxious and worried to see what people would write in response. It took me a few minutes to get the courage to click on this site today. This isn't rational of course, and i know that.


Thankyou to Michelle and ShadowBoxer. Thanks for your well wishes and kind words. It goes to show that gay people can have just as long relationships as straights. Well done to both of you.


We have hired a lovely celebrant and getting married at a winery in the swan valley.


I have read quite a few of other peoples stories and everyone is so friendly here. Its like one big diversified family. Some gay support sights don't filter out the haters, its good to know that the organisers keep it a safe ground here.


I would like to make friends, feel free to friend me on facebook guys.


I look forward to attending the next meeting in Perth.


Regards


Peter



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
May 8, 2013, 11:08

Peter


A few thoughts on the remark "It goes to show that gay people can have just as long relationships as straights. Well done to both of you."


One of the advantages of being Gay is that its a little easier to write our own rules for our relationships

Freedom2b is not a christian organisation per se.

freedom2b is a non-judgmental, no agenda, safe place that assists people on their journey to reconcile their faith, sexuality and/or their gender identity.


The thing is that its a varied community. Some still go to church. Some dont. Some still are christian. Some arent. Some have defined a new personal faith.

Some believe they need to not have a relationship to be right with God, Some have monogamous relationships. Some have open relationships.

There are even cases of husband and wife who have decided to stay together and suport each other – even though their physical needs are looked after elsewhere.


The thing is – there is no magic rule of happiness. I know gay couples who have been together 30 years – very committed but they dont sleep together. I know other couples been together just as long – who have always been monogamous…

I cant admit to being together that long but my partner and I have been together for 13 years now. (and as an aside – hes an atheist and on of the most honest, decent and ethical people i have ever met. He will unhesitatingly do whats right regardless of the consequence to him – a morality – so Christlike – its scary sometimes – and yet he was brought up in an atheist family and is atheist). The key for us is although our beliefs are QUITE different – our values match.


So what Im saying is make your own rules. find what works for you. being gay actually gives you options actually that you might not have otherwise… I did come across a study the other day which suggested that in places where Gay marriage was allowed – Gay relationships were lasting longer…. but I cant put my finger on it now. If you are interested – let me know and I can see if I can dig it up….

Ill say one ofther thing about the perceptions that gay relationships dont last. Often when Gays settle down – then go suburban _ we for example – live in the burbs, have dogs, look after the garden. (a number of our elderly neighbours – especially when I was out front working on the motorbike – would ask how my brother was)…. we have our social circle. I volunteer at Mardi Gras and a few events but in general – we dont go into the "Ghetto' often and our experience is many of the more chronologically well endowed Gays are just integrated into the general community and not part of the Gay scene… so the fact they have been together for decades isnt so visible – but I think people would be surprised at how many there are 'Lurking" in the burbs ! The trouble is finding them (socially I mean)


Its a bit like Mardi Gras. If you watch mardi gras on the news – you would think it was all virtually naked gyrating dancing men and drag queens… but in fact – most of the floats are just ordinary people dessed in ordinary clothes. IBM employees. PFLAG, Sane and sober, Mature age Gays and so on…. BUT thats not what people see – they see the razzle dazzle of the top of the ice berg not the real solid underpinnings that make up the bulk of the community.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 8, 2013, 12:19

Hi Peter, a big welcome from me as well 🙂 You have shown an incredible amount of courage to step forward and share your story with us. Everyone's journey is different even though many aspects can be the same, it's great to share your story to show other people life can get better.


As a mum of a gay son I'm pleased to hear your mum is coming around. Trust me it can be a fair shock. Everyone goes through different things and it takes different amount of time dealing and accepting that their child is gay. Parents just often need some time. Things are changing in our society and in churches, it my prayer that the next generation of LGBTI people do not have to hide who they are from their parents, friends, family, church, society, that they will feel accepted and loved just as much as the next person.


It's great you have found love in your wonderful partner. one day the LGBTI community will have equal marriage rights, then hey we could all be going to a lot of weddings 🙂


So sorry to hear about your past, brings me great sadness. Then I am uplifted and touched my your inner strength, determination and courage. You are loved by God so very much, never forget that.


This is a great and safe community, I encourage you to get in touch with the Perth group as Michelle has mentioned, there you will find other like minded people, you no longer have to be lonely 🙂


God bless



peter dauven
 
Joined in 2013
May 8, 2013, 23:21

Hi ShadowBoxer,


Congratulations on finding a man thats is of such good character, and congratulations on 13 years.

I too have a wonderful, loving, and supporting partner who will do whats right despite the consequences as well. He is my rock and shelter.


We too are not part of the scene, but blend in to suburbia. I was never into the gay scene very much. I had no desire for it, but i can understand the need for it and it is wonderful place for many people.


.



peter dauven
 
Joined in 2013
May 9, 2013, 00:34

Dear mother Hen

Your kind words and support have been well apreciated by me today. it couldn't of come at a more important time.


Everyone has the right to love and this should be accepted as human rights. Not something to be voted on. It should be common sense.


I am having a wedding even though people tell me " i didn't think you could do that yet", because by having a same sex commitment ceremony in public space, people will realise how stupid it is to opppose sopmething that is already happening.


There is a tidal wave of gay support happening around the world. It cannot be stopped. I believe it is the work of the Holy Spirit.

Its great that you have accepted your gay son. I hear stories of people having horrible experiences with parents who disown them. Not very Christ like.

These words touched me this evening. Thankyou for writing them

"You are loved by God so very much, never forget that."

It is good to share our stories to help others, but it can open up old wounds that are hard to heal in regards to violent traumatic events and child sexual abuse. Even after more than 20 years images dont become erased, although the images occur infrequently, no matter how hard you pray they don't go away. (I will post more on sexual abuse and depression elsewhere on this forum, at another time)

The pain and sadness of my pubecent and adolescent past caused me to be severly depressed, and have suicidal thoughts at work today. I couldn't even hide my emptyness and severe sadness from my colleagues. One of them was kind enought to ask" Peter are you OK?"

I have learnt to be true to my self. I replied "No i'm not ok"

I had such deep sadness today until my beloved man picked me up from work. He knew i wasn't right in the head and just made every effort to make my night wonderful, and stress free. Slowly my energies picked up. Also while watching TV i had an image in my head of the Cross Of Calvary, with rays of sunlight glowing dimly but getting brighter and brighter until my forehead began to be filled with warm energy and i was Me again. My depression has decreased alot and my forehead is still warm while typing this

Your right we musn't forget that God loves us. And a kind caring partner works as well.


I really look forward to making friends, learning to heal, love my self, and be there for other people when i can finally go to these meetings

Thanks Mother Hen,

God bless.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 9, 2013, 08:34

Hi Peter,


If I was there right now I'd give you a big hug 🙂 it sounds like you have a great loving partner who is there to give you that big hug. He sounds amazing, very thoughtful, considered and loves you 🙂


When times are tough think about all the great things you have in your life. Think about the loving relationship you have with your partner draw strength from him, your friends and family. This forum is here to support you as well. Have you ever gone to counseling about the past abuse? A little tip I've learnt when images come into your head that you don't like, is to change the channel like a TV. Imagine you are watching TV, something comes up you don't like, see yourself physically changing the channel to a something you do want to see. I learnt this trick when I was a kid and would have nightmares. I would actually push my nose to change the channel and then watch cartoons in my head 🙂 by the time my mum would come running into me, I'd say its ok mummy I changed the channel 🙂


Good on you for having your public wedding. It's a time of celebration and love. Showing the world that you have found your life long mate, that you love each, it's good for family and friends to see the love and commitment you have for each other.


Hang onto that beautiful man you have, go and give him a hug right now 🙂 The love and support of a loved one can help us overcome mountains, they are a great source of inner strength.


God bless



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 9, 2013, 18:28

Hi Peter

Welcome from me too! 🙂

You are a very strong person and an overcomer. I'm so glad your suicide attempt wasn't successful otherwise you'd never know the joy and strength you'd experience afterwards.

It's great too that you have a loving partner and are feeling more at peace in yourself about being a gay Christian. You can indeed be both and live a fulfilled life. 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree


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