This is my story which I hope will help others.
My story is perhaps a little different to most but here goes. I was brought by an Evangelical mother and grandmother and attended an evangelical church as a teenager. I loved the church and being involved in it and was a very devout teenager. However, what made my upbringing different was that my father was a sceptic and on the Left politically so that the upbringing he gave me brought an entirely different set of perspectives. As a teen and young adult, I tried to put it all together and explored Latin American Liberation theology and also became involved in political activism with various Left groups. Although my situation was spiritually and intellectually isolating (I could hardly talk about my politics at Church nor my religion with my Leftist friends), I managed by compartmentalising my life. Add to this the realisation that I was gay.
I found being in the Church too hard against this background and gradually drifted away. I did not even think it worthwhile talking to the minister about my sexuality because I knew where that would go. So I just left of my own accord – unlike others who once their sexuality became know were basically shown the door. This was in the 80s.
Although I battled bouts of depression and anxiety in my twenties, in hindsight, what saved me from a complete downward spiral was what my father gave me, namely a coherent alternative world view that could hold me together. I did not accept everything he put to me but did accept a commitment to social justice and got involved in political and activism both an Uni and afterwards that provided a strong framework for getting on with life, buttressed by a “social theology” – even while I struggled with my sexuality. I finished Uni and entered my chosen profession and was on any conventional measure seen as successful – even though people did ask me why I never showed up with a girlfriend. Most importantly, my father taught me to stand my ground and fight when you had to – hard if necessary – a skill which held me in good stead dealing with homophobia after coming out.
After finishing Uni and entering the workforce, I came out in my late twenties having accepted myself that I was gay. My family were troubled but in the end accepting – as were my close friends. I launched myself on the gay scene in the early 90s – and though I made many friends, cannot say I really liked it much, especially, the emphasis on looking for casual sex. Those were a troubled few years. However, I met my life partner after about two years on the scene (we have now been together for 18 years and we plan to get married next year overseas). Both our working lives went well, we established a household together came to enjoy a close relationship with both our families.
Only one thing was missing, namely how to deal with my faith. I never lost it but had to keep quiet about it. I was in the position of being out to everyone as a gay man, family, friends and at work but in the closet about being Christian. I would try to practice my faith in private, through my own Bible study – and quiet engagement with Christian friends. Going to Church was not an option as accepting congregations were few. I was afraid of being open to my some members of my family and friends by matters of faith, especially gay friends, for fear of the reaction. They could rightly say that it was people like them, straight and gay, who did the heavy lifting fighting for my rights and may have seen it as a almost a betrayal for me go over to people they would see as the enemy. The outbursts of people like Jim Wallace and the ACL certainly gave them a good case.
At the age of 50, I have slowly started to come out as a Christian to those nearest to me. I approached a local Church and explained to the minister in full my circumstances. I was worried about rejection but I received a very warm reply and welcome and am now wondering to myself why I did not approach him sooner. My partner initially had misgivings but is kind of getting his head around it all. He feared maybe that this could impact on our relationship. However, it does not at all from my perspective. I told him that I was cool with wherever he stood – whether as an atheist, agnostic, or believer. This was quite easy given that I was brought by an Atheist father (I think that the comments Paul makes about non-believers who still have the law written on their hearts makes me very comfortable theologically with this). I also proposed marriage to him at the time – and I think that has in part helped him accept where I am heading without worrying. He even came to Church with me, was warmly received by the minister, liked the experience and saw that we were accepted for who we are as a couple. He wants to go again.
We are also about to embark on becoming foster parents to children in need and have done a lot of reading on the subject which has been inspiring and encouraging. It appears that some agencies specifically want same-sex male couples to undertake the job, party because of the shortage of male role models for boys and there is a view that gay couples are an untapped resource could fit the bill. I am not sure where it will go but if this means we end up starting a family of sorts (even at our ages – we are both 50), that is where we go God willing.
What I would say to some of the others on this blog who have has a hard time is do not underestimate the possibilities open to you – however hard it may seem at the present. If you set your mind on it and learn to hold your ground with firmness, you can go places that even ten years ago were unimaginable for gay people including a full life in the Church, marriage and family.
I also think that there is a real shift in thinking within the Churches on accepting gay people. Rev Keith Mascord’s sermons in support of us – and of gay marriage for example, may reflect the new thinking – even if the Churches are lagging secular society by a couple of decades. I also believe that there are Churches in the US that are now refusing to perform any marriages at all – until gay marriage is legalised. So while things may seem hard, there is more reason I think for optimism than pessimism.
Then main challenge for me at my stage of life is dealing with friends and family with coming out of the closet as a Christian. While I feel confident in standing my ground against homophobes in the Church (I have spent the last year immersing myself in the relevant theology even going as far as starting to learn Greek to acquire the confidence to argue the case), I am more hesitant in coming out to the secular friends and family who have loyally stood by me over the years, some of whom are militant atheists of the Richard Dawkins kind.
I think that the answer in part lies in convincing them that the ACL and its ilk are not representative but there is need for the “silent majority” of Christians which I think is with us (at least measured by support for gay marriage as a litmus test) to speak up. I think it will also help in dispelling the misgivings of secular people if the Churches deal with homophobia in the way that the Dutch Reformed Church in the end dealt with Apartheid by moving from a position of justifying it to ending up declaring it a heresy. Theologically, I think that a strong case can be made for identifying homophobia as a heresy – and the way forward here may be found in some of the writings of Archbishop (emeritus) Desmond Tutu. This is one outspoken churchman I can think who can be held up to the world at large without any hesitation or reticence as what we as Christians are on about, His credentials in the fight against racism during the Apartheid era, reconciliation afterwards his support for the ordination of women – and now his championing of us goes a along way in finding a Christian role model (and there are many others) to help convincing secular people who readily accept us as gay people to accept us as Christians.
A final observation I would make is that while I did not end up doing drugs, alcohol abuse and risky sex during my time of trials, others from the Church, who forced out commonly did so. The difference I think was that their whole life was the Church and to have that suddenly removed from under them, created a bad set of circumstances leading to a downward spiral. The difference was that I had other networks of support through what my father gave me. It is really important to have more than one support network, especially for young gay people so that there is somewhere to go if the Church fails you. It could be as simple as looking around at local community groups that are gay-friendly and joining a group that interests you. It takes time of course to develop close trusted relationships. I also learnt that developing close relations with people outside one’s tribe also in the end strengthens your faith and deepens spiritual life because you see God working everywhere – not just in your own little corner. Jesus’ parable about the Good Samaritan may be apposite when a broken person by the roadside is abandoned and ignored by their own – but it is an outsider who follows God’s command and helps. The message appears to be that help sometimes comes from that outsider when your own ignore you.
Some thoughts anyway – and hopefully reasons for optimism.
Peace!
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