Advice & Perspective Please! 23-yo Student. Confused & Struggling. With LGBTIQ family disapproval

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Joined in 2014
December 29, 2014, 15:20


Thanks in advance to those reading this. I am new to these forums, thinking this may be a good opportunity to get some help.

To keep it short, I am a 23 year-old student, struggling with everything in life, really. I am pretty much in the middle ground, in-between my family. My only sibling, an older brother, came out six years ago, and things haven't changed. My parents have not and will seemingly never accept it. They are so cutting and cruel about it and I have no clear idea why. From what I can figure out (not that they even know themselves really, apart from saying 'it's just wrong'), it is not for clear religious reasons, more of their own upbringing thing. As for me, I have been trying my best to show my brother that I am there for him and I understand and respect how difficult it must be (meeting partners, going on outings etc. as best I can considering my health situation…) And as for my own sexuality and relationships, I ashamedly would say, that I am not able to feel love or be loved, at this stage in my life.

I think I am focussing on trying to make things better, and good things, like relationships, for me, can come later, when I feel better about life.

Perhaps I am abstaining from relationships until my brother's can be accepted as equal? Perhaps I am still questioning after all these years? I don't really know….

All I do know is that my brother is my closest friend and I hope things can get better for us soon.

I am so not one to impose my problems on other people, but I guess I am doing this here to get others' advice, without having to bring it up with people, dragging my problems along when I try to leave the house to get away from them.

I have a long-term health condition, which has, and is, impacting my life greatly, in that I can only study part-time, and can only work casually in study breaks intermittently. So I can't be independent nor support myself financially, adding to the feeling of being trapped in this difficult middle ground. Things seem to never be getting better, and any progress I do make is so small, it is hardly notable.

I feel like everything is too hard, and it seems to be even harder, and more impossible because I can't try my best at anything. I don't have friends who can remotely relate to me in these respects, let alone people who have been through something, or anything somewhat similar, for advice and perspective.

Counselling helps, although as my situation seems to be more of a long-term and complicated one, counsellors have agreed it is effectively limited. I am just waiting for things to get better I guess, if ever.

Thanks for your time in reading this, and thank you for these forums – I probably wouldn't be able to come to freedom2b events, so I am very thankful for this opportunity.

Any and all advice and perspective would be greatly greatly appreciated.

Blessings to all for the new year and thank you again,


Joined in 2011
December 29, 2014, 18:46

Dear Ally,

I can see you are in a very difficult place. Your love for your brother shines through your story. This must be a great comfort to him. It is a pity that your family are not able to give him the same unconditional love that you do.

It is important also to love yourself. Although I can appreciate your sense of solidarity with your brother, it is important that you work out what will bring you happiness and seek it. If this involves a relationship with someone else, then you need to pursue this. None of us can live a solitary life- we all need friends, family and lovers. You are blessed with a loving relationship with your brother- now may be the time to reach out and seek relationships with others that can sustain you.

You have made a start on this by sharing your story in this forum. You will find that there are others out there who will understand and affirm you so you are not alone.

It may also be time to tell your family that their attitude to your brother causes you great pain and distress and ask them to stop saying the things they do, for your sake if not for his.

Thinking of you in this difficult time.


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
December 30, 2014, 19:27

Hi Ally

Thanks for posting and welcome to f2b. I hope you find this a supportive place to be. 🙂

I agree with Bev that your love for your brother shines through. I am sorry too that your family are unable to accept his sexuality and also for the health issues you are suffering.

You mentioned counselling being of some assistance.. I guess I am wondering what other supports you have and what you would like to change? Of course you don't have to answer these questions unless you feel comfortable doing so but they may be good to privately ponder on. You mentioned that you were waiting for change – can you say more about that? From experience, change only happens when we actively make a change ourselves, and perhaps you have already begun that process and are waiting for the outcomes of changes already made.. Even the smallest, tiniest change that we make ourselves can have far reaching and positive effects. The fact that you have posted here is perhaps part of that process. How did you hear about us and what prompted you to post?

I look forward to hearing more from you, Ally.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2014
December 30, 2014, 22:19

Thanks Bev and Ann Maree for your much appreciated replies.

I found freedom2b through a combination of just Googling online and posts by a friend of a friend.

Thanks again for these forums. I guess I posted as I could relate, and am interested in hearing others' advice and perspective –

from people who don't know me personally and my background, with chronic health issues etc.

I understand your query about what change I need to make – I guess I feel sort of handcuffed in that respect. With my complicated health situation it makes even leaving the house difficult, so I feel like any sort of change (physical, like being able to go out more, or mentally, in the way I view and deal with things) seems to take me a long time amidst everything going on.

I think I have already made quite big progressions, working casually in office admin and nearly getting through a third of my University course, even though that will take me more than double the time compared to everyone else, being parttime when I can take study – my support network of doctors etc. are proud of me. But I guess with time passing and progress, my family situation isn't getting easier to manage.

It's like I have enough hurdles – and among everything (health… Uni… work… career… social life….) and this one is impossible to make any notable progress on, and it shouldn't even be a problem in my family's eyes, in the first place.

I live in Melbourne, so I am glad freedom2b is here, and also has youth events. I am sure many people benefit from the support – whether in person or purely online.

Thank you again – I am very appreciative for any replies…



Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
January 1, 2015, 09:32

Hi Ally

Yes the fact that you study part time and manage some casual work despite your difficult and chronic health issues is to be commended. Well done! 🙂

It sounds like you are finding life to be difficult to say the least and your parents' stance re your brother's sexuality does not help, especially on top of everything else. Is that right?

Does your brother have enough supports and does he know about this site?

And for you personally, there may be other supports that can assist you. Feel free to send me a private message if you are wanting further supports and I may be able to recommend some in your area.


Ann Maree

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