Afraid of intimacy

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Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 08:47

It's caused me to be thinking about intimacy as a whole & I don't like to be real close to people. Yeah I could go on about my childhood stuff & past relationships, but I really want to know what's going on with me. I will talk with my counsellor sometime soon. The sooner the better I think. Don't want to start thinking those destructive thoughts again.

Thank u for being here & listening.

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 09:02

Hi Miss Muppet,

That's wonderful that you had such a lovely day and you have someone in your life who obviously cares for for. You hit the nail right on the head when you said you will talk to your counsellor soon. In your position I would be very open with your friend about what is going on for you, assure her that it's not her, that she and the relationship mean a lot to you and you want it to work. Let her know you are going to talk to your counsellor about your fear of intimacy so she knows you are prepared to do what is necessary to make the relationship work. Also ask you friend to be patient and not give up on you. I would also talk to the counsellor very soon.

Believe in yourself, tell yourself you deserve to be in a relationship, deserved to be loved and cared for 🙂

Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 09:08

Thank u so much. Here is my safest place to talk about this really. Just want to get thru today. Thank u

Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 10:29

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, but I just want to feel better about myself, right at this moment.

My parents aren't very emotionally available to chat with & never really have been. I call my Mum sometimes & tell her something I'm struggling with & she just seems to cut me off & says,"Oh you'll work it out." It kinda hurts. I should know by now to just head elsewhere for advice.

I love to hug my parents. It's the only affection I get from them. My Grandma however, on Dad's side, is very huggy & I love that. But I guess hugs are very different than kisses. But I feel like I really need to know someone before I feel comfortable being so close.

Everyone I guess has their own safe distance space. And every friend has a different level of affection involvment. Know what I mean?

Oh well. Will get stuck into some housework & try & forget about it for now…

Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 10:33

One thing I forgot to mention & is in my thoughts…how much do we actually inherit from our parents & their parents & their parents parents…?

I wonder if things get passed along, like emotional fears & whatever traumas happened.

Yes I am thinking too much. But do want these things resolved in me. Or at least make peace with them. Or simply make peace with myself.

Joined in 2011
October 27, 2013, 21:30

Hi Miss Muppet

thanks for sharing what's going on for you. As I have said, there is much of your story I can relate to.

I'm sorry you feel bad about how things unfolded with you and your friend. You used the word excruciating – I'm so sorry you felt this way – so difficult and painful.

I think the word that comes to mind most strongly as I read your post is "safe". You need to feel safe before you can begin to be intimate with someone. I really agree with Mother Hen (wise once again) when she says to let your friend know that you would like the relationship work and to be patient with you. I have learnt reasonably recently about just speaking my truth – saying what is right and true for me at the time. Express to your friend your fears, concerns and desires. I suspect true intimacy comes when we are prepared to be quite vulnerable with each other.

As for your questions and thoughts about how much gets passed on from our parents, grandparents in relation to emotional fears etc – well yes – I am sure that there is a certain amount that is passed on in a "nurture" (rather than nature) fashion. That is, yes – we pass on our genes – depression, anxiety, (this may be in a biological/genetic sense) but we also pass on our beliefs, values, ideology.

I believe that much of our "stuff" is inherited from family. However, I also believe that this is not set in concrete… That is – we can change or redefine our reality. . I believe we can "rewrite" the story of our life. What might a new story look like for you? How might you begin to reframe your life experiences?

All the best Sarab

Joined in 2011
October 28, 2013, 14:50

So many wise words from Mother Hen and Sarab- agree with them all.

It is hard changing attitudes you have had for a long time but it can be done, but you need help from your counsellor and understanding from your friend, as you move on the journey of overcoming your fears. It can be done and you will discover new freedom and happiness!


Joined in 2011
October 28, 2013, 21:31

I'm home alone tonight & getting all anxious thinking too much about being intimate. I'm scared out of my brain! I need to talk to God, but I'm realising that seems almost impossible. Once again I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, entering this relationship.

I feel trapped again. That's why I pushed everyone away in the first place. Everything within me just wants to be left alone & I will feel better.

I need a way out of this. God if u are listening to me, please help

Joined in 2011
October 28, 2013, 21:32

Thank u all for what you've said. I hear u.

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
October 28, 2013, 21:56

Lovely Miss Muppet, Breathe, take a big slow breath, and another and another. With each breath let go and relax, push away your fear and focus your mind on a happy memory.

Often we can stress and make things into bigger issues than they really are. Our mind runs away with the thoughts and they snow ball. Don't let that happen. You are strong, you can control those thoughts. When I was a young child I would have horrible nightmares, I learnt to control the images in my head by pretending I was watching TV, I would push my nose and change the channel and watch cartoons or something. Might sound silly but it worked for me. Change the channel in your mind.

You have been given some really good advice on this forum, you say you have heard what people are saying. People can hear but not listen, take on board what has been said. I urge you to speak to your counselor as soon as you can. They can help you work through the issues you are facing and give you coping techniques when the thoughts you have mentioned surface.

I will be praying for you. Remember you deserve to be loved 🙂

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