Another ex-A/G Musician -- current feelings

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Joined in 2005
March 9, 2008, 13:10

Very similar to “Desperate4Truth’s” story, I used to be (2002 – 2007) a keyboardist for a Worship Team in an Assembly of God church. When I left, I mailed the (now ex-) pastor a copy of “A Life of Unlearning” (first edition) along with my “Letter to the Editor” of a gay newspaper denouncing ex-gay ministries.

(Before attending those ministries, I knew that I had same-sex feelings, but acknowledged them as “wrong.” Afterwards, I acknowledged the feelings as “O.K.,” and determined that it wasn’t worth the trouble to try to “change” them. All this while STILL playing keyboards.)

It must’ve been a HORRIBLE shock to my pastor, because I’ve only been gone less than 8 months, and he has since left that church. (I don’t know if he went to another church, moved back with his family, or has a “secular” job now. I know that he got to know me as a “person,” and that his “concept” of what a homosexual was totally blown out of the water.)

Here’s the problem:

Should I be “happy” that there’s one less pastor spreading bigotry and hatred towards homosexuals? (He had made a comment using an analogy with “serial killers” and “homosexuals” in that neither would “ever seek after God.”)

Should I be “angry” at myself that I helped a man lose his job? (He used to “work” there, and he no longer does.)

Should I be “upset” that the current church is looking for a new pastor, and that at least 100 people (the other congregants) are probably mad at me?

Should I be “proud” that I took such a stance?

Should I be “embarrassed” that I didn’t go to him privately first, and tell him then? (I was so angry, I couldn’t do that.)

I had tried attending one “gay affirming” church, and I know EXACTLY what Desperate4Truth means when he says it’s “just church.”

Any thoughts?

Joined in 2007
March 9, 2008, 14:06

Are you quite sure that there is a correlation between your letter to the editor and the loss of his job? With a time difference of eight months he could have lost his job for any number of reasons, he could have quit voluntarily.

If there is a correlation and this man lost his job because he said unbliblical things like a gay person would never seek God then it is a matter of theology. It’s hardly your fault the bible disagrees with him! I don’t see why you ought to be angry at yourself for something which in the end has nothing to do with you. The same goes for the rest of the things you mentioned. It is unbelievable that a man would be fired for disagreeing with a member of the congregation in stating that homosexuality is sin (unless your church was pro-gay). I think there must be more to this story…

Shantih Shantih Shantih
Joined in 2008
March 9, 2008, 14:12

I agree with Sandy – if the pastor got fired over his negative views on homosexuality (in, presumably, an anti-gay church) then it probably didn’t have as much to do with you and your actions than with God and what He wanted…

Joined in 2005
March 9, 2008, 14:23

Of course, he could have left voluntarily, but the thought remains that I was the cause of his leaving voluntarily. I don’t have enough information about the situation yet.

AvB, you know more about my entire situation; what are your thoughts?

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 9, 2008, 22:26

i think that we can only be responsible for what we know we are responsible for. I try not to apologise for things i didn’t directly cause. I think when we do this then we become less subservient and stronger as individuals. I think i’d go crazy wondering about every how everyone would have reacted to every action i’ve done.

I could spend the rest of my life feeling responsible for every negative thing that has happened in my ex-wifes life, and my childrens…..but in the end we are all adults……and we are responsible for the way that we react.

Best to get on with life and live it with as much integrity as you can today.

Joined in 2008
March 10, 2008, 02:36

Hey jsta43!!!

Good to see you on here! Welcome! ( Like Ive been on here forever! LOL! 😆 ) Yeah, I just found this forum a week ago and it has been such a huge help to me. YOU are not alone! I understand what you mean by feeling angry. It’s like your life is one big giant conflict. At least thats how it was for me. Everything you said I could totaly relate to. Dont beat yourself up over what happened in your church. Its not your fault. I did the same thing. Be PROUD of your decission to finaly accept yourself. This is one place where no one is going to judge you, where you can say exactly how you are feeling, and where no one is going to cram the same message thats been shoved down your throat from the church today about homosexuality. A lot of us have been in the same situation your in right now. I thought was the only gay AOG guy out there, but thats not true at all. Your not alone.

Joined in 2005
March 11, 2008, 11:16

Hi, D4T!!

I read YOUR story and could identify with everything as well…

My other problem is that I’m on Disability (for Bi-Polar Disorder) and in a sense, playing keyboards is the only thing I know how to do….”traditional” employment ends up in a hospitalized episode, so I’ve learned to live with the illness….a local church is putting on an Easter Drama production this next week…I may attend there just to see what’s up….I do feel like I need SOME support in some church situation……GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON BOARD!!!!

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