Is it morally acceptable to tell the pastor (God’s Minister!) I am celibate when in fact I am not, where my motivation is to avoid conflict and contribute to church life with a view to revisiting the debate once the pastor has come to know (and hopefully to trust) me? Surely my sex life is between me and God and it is enough I am honest about the gender of my partner without being accountable to the pastor for my sex life!

Hi Pentatropics,

You asked for comments, so here it goes. I would never tell you what to do, only maybe what I would do (or have done in similar situations).

The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth, and there is so much more freedom in honesty and integrity, even if it hurts or leads to conflict. I think its called dying to self. Its hard, but that is where His grace comes in. I used to try to avoid conflict at any cost and would tell “white” lies or remain silent when I should have said something to get myself out of or avoid trouble, but in my case it usually made things worse. I am finding these days that honesty closes the door to attack and allows the Holy Spirit to work, while dishonesty often ties God’s hand to defend you and opens the door to attack. Its like you are trying to do the miracle yourself instead of trusting God to do it. He is your deliverer, but He needs total trust and dependence. It takes our death to have a resurrection.

So you said you want the pastor to eventually trust you, but I don’t think being dishonest will help him trust you (and pastors have ways and means of finding out the truth, especially if it is a small community). At the same time, I don’t think you have to tell everyone all your secrets or expose yourself totally just for inquisitive minds if you do not feel comfortable. Everyone has the right to privacy. So if he asks about your relationship status and the sexual nature of it, you could either tell him that you are uncomfortable answering that question, or just tell him honestly where you are at, whichever way you feel the Lord leading you. For either option he is probably not going to like the answer, but at least you will be free and he will see you are honest.

In my own case my best friend from bible school who is now a pastor asked me if my own relationship was sexual, and I said yes, and then he asked if I would be celibate, and I said no, not because I wasn’t prepared to be, but because I didn’t believe the Lord required me to be. It was difficult to say that, and he got a bit angry, but we prayed together and it turned out OK. He did respect my honesty though. Another pastor I came out to was also surprised by my honesty and even shared some of his own struggles in the past.

I think the key is honesty and integrity. The truth really does set you free. Again, its a dying process. Fear of people’s reactions and criticism is natural, but that’s the problem. The fear of man is a snare and is rooted in the fear of death. But when we choose to die to ourselves and take up our cross of honesty and speak what comes from our heart by the Holy Spirit regardless of others opinions, we break the fear of death over us and His resurrection power becomes available to us in dynamic ways. People’s opinions are like armpits, everyone has them and some of them stink, but God can only use us up to the level of criticism we can handle.

The pastor may not agree with your sex life and may prohibit you from leading or ministering or even helping with church activities, but he probably wouldn’t stop you from attending or bringing other people who need Jesus. Maybe that is enough? Personally I would focus on ministering the love of God outside the church, on the streets, in the clubs, at the beach – wherever hurting people are hungry for Jesus, and bring them along to church. And if the Lord is speaking to you, give into the church financially. In other words, let your fruit speak for you. You can’t force them to agree with your life or change their rules overnight, but you can be a blessing to them regardless of what they think of you. Love never fails.

I am sure others have different opinions, experiences and comments, and I respect them all, this just comes from my own experience over the past year. I hope it helps.

The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth, and there is so much more freedom in honesty and integrity, even if it hurts or leads to conflict. I think its called dying to self. Its hard, but that is where His grace comes in.

(…)

So you said you want the pastor to eventually trust you, but I don’t think being dishonest will help him trust you (and pastors have ways and means of finding out the truth, especially if it is a small community).

(…)

You can’t force them to agree with your life or change their rules overnight, but you can be a blessing to them regardless of what they think of you. Love never fails.

Wow Rivers, your reply made me feel guilty. You explained that so logically and clearly that I am totally convinced you are right! I was also reviewing some old posts by HillsBen and I see a praise point for him has been the freedom of honesty. I think there is a lesson in that for me too and I’m going to take that on board and move forward in truth and integrity.

Thanks also Magsdee for the second opinion!

Peace and love

Ryan

Woooohoooooooo Praise God that is so awesome 😀 😀

God is great 😀 😉

Just an update to confirm that we were married at Pentecost in a beautiful but simple garden ceremony at home. Our witness was a gay Christian friend we have known for years, and our pastor is a friend who is very affirming and who wants to be a part of the Holy Spirit’s move in the area of reconciling sexuality and the church. Our first act as a married couple was to participate in the Lord’s Supper together.

Our bible readings were:

John 3:16-17

Matthew 11:28

2 Corinthians 12:9

1 Corinthians 13:4 (I know I know – pretty predictable…)

Ruth 1:16-17 and

1 John 4:16

We mostly used NIV translations, but some other versions as well for best literary effect. The readings were annouced by title, and then read consecutively as if a single text – noting some of them are very brief. It was a very powerful way to dedicate our relationship to Christ whilst enjoying the word of God as it speaks to us. Our witness read them for us, and did a fabulous job.

We wrote the liturgy ourselves, heavily borrowing from an Episcopalian same sex blessing ceremony from the States.

We wore shorts and collared shirts by our waterfall, and it was a beautiful humid 28 degree early dry season day in the tropics.

The wedding cake was mango cheesecake.

Other than the pastor, his wife, the witness and two close friends, we had no guests. This was both because we wanted the focus to be on God and the Glory his, and we did not wish to be provocative or political.

Whilst my partner was reciting his vow to me, I was overcome with the what I interpret as the Spirit’s emphatic expression of approval at our union.

If anyone is interested in photos I’m putting them on Facebook at AVB’s suggestion, and am happy to give you the link if you PM me. I’m also happy to share the liturgy with anyone who might be planning something similar or just be interested generally.

Since the wedding, we have grown in our relationship and spiritually, and the Spirit is working many wonders and signs. Not only have I enrolled in bible school part time (thanks Rivers!) I have been offered a lay preaching opportunity I did not ask for nor ever expect, praise the Lord.

So for all our beloved ex preachers who suffered so much and have left ministry, I believe the Lord wants you to know he thanks you for your work, he misses you and he intends to replace you within the body of Christ in greater numbers with a new generation of spirit-filled evangelists who will never have to “come out”, and who will not have to suffer the ostracism, degradation or contempt you were subjected to, or at least not to the same extent. The suffering of your generation has lessened that of the next. Thank you 😀

Peace and love

Ryan

It sounds like your day was wonderful and that the spirit is with you. 🙂