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Confused, 49 year old...

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ammi
 
Joined in 2011
February 23, 2011, 06:51

Thanks Ann Maree…


It is early and I have been awake in the night with restless thoughts…


The cognitive dissonance that I am experiencing as I think about the issues regarding my sexual orientation and sexuality in general is severe at the moment.


I watched the DVD.. The Bible Tells Me So.. yesterday. It presents the Big 3 passages of Scripture in a way that is supportive of the tone of this website.. and uses the stories of 5 Christian families as they grapple with what is means as their children come out as LGBT. It also presents a powerful glimpse of the harshness and brutality of anti gay rhetoric and action from fundamentalist USA people… I won’t even call them Christian!


I keep going over in my mind, my significant relationships since I was in my teens. The people I have been ‘obsessed with’, focused on and wanted to be with… and they have all been girls/women. Over the past couple of months, I have come to see that same sex attraction is not ‘The Big Sin, Abomination’ that I always have thought it was… but that is ‘for everyone else’… I don’t want this!!! I don’t want it…. I don’t know if I can live with it…


I am seeing my counsellor on Friday, and know we will talk about this more…. That is just the rest of today… and tomorrow to wait… I see my psychiatrist tomorrow as well… But I don’t know what I will tell him… I guess I need to tell him that things are really hard right now! 🙁


Those of you who are pray-ers out there… could you say a prayer for me today…..



Boi70
 
Joined in 2007
February 23, 2011, 08:08

Hi Ammi,


Always happy to listen to what you have to say. It is always difficult to walk a road, like you are on right now. Many of us here have thought deeply about the issues / questions that you are thinking about and working through. It is never an easy road to travel, as we come to terms with our sexuality, especially when it conflicts with a ‘Christian’ belief system and values, that were so fundamental to who we were. But thankfully, on that road, there are towns or points, where we can say that we have reach a conclusion on something, however small or large, and can say to ourselve, ‘well, I have walked that stretch of road. I will have a rest here, and then when I am ready, I will start on the next stretch of road’. So, thankfully, each day is a new day. I am saying a prayer for you right now, that as you are walking on your journey, that you find the truth and understanding and peace that you desire. 🙂


God Bless



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
February 23, 2011, 09:33

Hi ammi


I’m praying for you too. It sounds painful but you’re making progress, ammi.. the fact that you’re now thinking that being gay isn’t the big sin that it once was is a major shift. Is it possible to shut out what others think and just take one step at a time?


It’s good that you’ve got your supports in place.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 25, 2011, 01:14

I want to give you a biiiiiiiiig hug.



🙂


you will have to show me how to do this when you come down for MG



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
February 25, 2011, 01:21

hi ammi….welcome…..glad you found us.


I think if we are genuinely same sex oriented….then the think we deeply desire with someone is not so much sex but intimacy with some one of the same sex. It took me about 28 years to realise this.


I believe this is the way for men…..I am assuming it is the same for women.



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
February 25, 2011, 08:43

hi


I think if we are genuinely same sex oriented….then the think we deeply desire with someone is not so much sex but intimacy with some one of the same sex. It took me about 28 years to realise this.


.


Thanks avb… yes, I know what I desire so much is intimacy, and the only people I have remotely had that with in my life have been women.


I read your book the past couple of days. Thanks so much for your honesty about your journey. I am really moved.


I talked to the pdoc yesterday, and he said that labels are not always very helpful… He reminded me of the continuum of sexual attraction, and also the place that opportunity plays in how things work out. I realised that some of my distress and angst this week, is also related to deep grief about not having been ‘in love’, and knowing intimacy in that way.


I have also been remembering what Linda and Marc said, about being myself, and letting the questions just sit for a while.


I can just take one day at a time. Thanks to Ann Maree and Jason for your prayers (and any others).. I made it safely through the past couple of days.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
February 25, 2011, 10:54

Hi ammi


You’re very welcome. Thanks for keeping us informed as to how you’re going too. It’s important to know you’re OK.


That’s great that you found avb’s book helpful. 🙂


I very much like what your pdoc said in terms of the sexual orientation continuum and the role of opportunity in our lives. As a therapist said to me, some people have bad luck and that needs to be considered from a real statistical perspective as to why some of us face the things we face while others don’t. I had never really thought of that before.


I like too that you’ve managed to separate out the aspects of your distress and to recognise the deep grief around not having had an ‘in love’ experience. Sometimes the stuff that’s missing causes an enormous amount of pain as we yearn to find it. I can relate to the pain and anguish around missing aspects… Please at least know that it’s normal to mourn the loss in the way you are even though I’m sure you’d rather not experience the pain.


Blessings and ongoing prayers for you, ammi.


Ann Maree



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
March 28, 2011, 18:00

Hi friends… a month later… and I’m back again…


Circumstances and thinking too much, have brought me to a difficult place again…


I saw my counsellor this morning and said… “I have given my life in service to the church… and now that is all under threat… If I do end up in a same sex relationship, I will lose the locus of my passion to really ‘see people’… and I will lose my supportive community (to some degree).


J said, that she wanted to say to me… that I’ve given my life in service to God, rather than the church… but realised, as I talked, that what I said is valid…


She said though, that maybe a new door is opening, a new calling, a new context for my calling, a new opportunity…


Being on the threshold is so dreadfully difficult… Precipient grief for potential and real losses, and no clear idea of the ‘shape’ anything new could take.


She asked me to ‘breathe in’ hope, when we did some breathing at the end. I ‘found’ a small deep blue translucent ball of possible hope suspended in my gut… “Hold onto that” she said…


Ministry is my life…. how can I live without it??????


Can I trust Mother God with that one??? Tears and Pain…


I have been thinking about my close friend… whom I am coming to understand I love and want to “be with”, and just know it isn’t going to happen… There have been a lot of tears about that today…



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 28, 2011, 18:42

Hi ammi


Do you know for sure that your church is against same sex relationships? And what do you like most about the church you’re part of?


Could you find those qualities and more at another church?


I guess it’s good to explore how you define ‘church’ and what you most want and need from it.


You said:


Being on the threshold is so dreadfully difficult… Precipient grief for potential and real losses, and no clear idea of the ‘shape’ anything new could take.


Very well said. So true and beautifully expressed.


I don’t see that you have to live without ministry just that you are possibly in a place where you need to reframe that or enlarge what it means to you. I agree – it’s scary to be in that space of the unknown, not sure if something new and secure is possible but desperately needing it.


And as for unrequited love, yes there’s no pain quite like it. I feel for you with that and send a big hug and some soothing balm for your bleeding heart. I’m reading a book that you might find of use. I’ve found it an enormous comfort of late as I’ve gone through some awful griefs, including a relationship break up. It’s called ‘Dark Nights of the Soul’ by Thomas Moore. It’s spoken to me when nothing and no one else could.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
March 28, 2011, 20:06

She said though, that maybe a new door is opening, a new calling, a new context for my calling, a new opportunity…


Being on the threshold is so dreadfully difficult… Precipient grief for potential and real losses, and no clear idea of the ‘shape’ anything new could take.


She asked me to ‘breathe in’ hope, when we did some breathing at the end. I ‘found’ a small deep blue translucent ball of possible hope suspended in my gut… “Hold onto that” she said…


Hi ammi,


I can so relate to what you’ve said above with my journey at the moment …


Things are in a state of change for me and hopefully some doors of opportunity will open up for me.


Yes being on the threshold of society can be isolating and lonely at times but there is ALWAYS community to be found like freedom2b[e] and in our local places.


I trust that that hope you speak of is what keeps you going and that our safe online space is always here for you.


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