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Confused, 49 year old...

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sarab
 
Joined in 2011
October 12, 2011, 17:55

Hi Ammi

Just thought i’d say thanks for reposnding to my story –

Have been prying for you as you walk a difficult journey.

Sarab.



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
October 12, 2011, 17:56

That should say praying – not prying! 🙂

sarab



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
November 3, 2011, 18:24

Thanks for your prayers sarab and for your thoughts…


As I have said on your thread, I have been following your story with interest – and this together with another friend’s courage in making progress in coming to grips with her same sex attraction – have given me a lot to think about in recent weeks. I have been discouraged in some respects… and had thoughts frequently that I will never have a partner, or someone I am that special one to, and who is the special one to me. I don’t have the courage, and have never had the courage and confidence to put myself in situations where I could meet someone….


I keep coming back to those significant relationships and obessions with women… and wonder why it is to hard to move from my statement of confusion…. into some measure of acceptance that I’m same sex attracted….. For me, there is tremendous grief and loss in making that transition, even just to myself….


There are enough other confusing and challenging things in my life just at the moment….



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
November 3, 2011, 18:48

Hi Ammi,

shows the power of a shared story to offer encouragement which can often end up being reciprocal for the one doing the telling and the listening (or as the case may be on f2be… reading!). It’s encouraging to me to know that as I share my confusion and what’s going on for me… that you are in turn encouraged. I think God can use extraordinary circumstances in extraordinary ways.


You mention feeling grief and loss… can you identify what that is about?


I know that some years ago when I worked through grief about not having children – It became very important to identify and talk about (with a counsellor) all of the associated griefs in not having a child. This was a lengthy and painful process – yet quite healing.


You also said that you find it hard to move into some measure of acceptance about your same sex attraction. I think I read somewhere on this site that AVB came out “and went back in again” several times. Seems like this self acceptance can typically be quite a process too.


As for me – I think finding that “measure of acceptance” in myself has been brewing in the background for a long time. It is only in the last few months that I really started to think about it. Kind of like a heavy blanket that needed be thrown off. Step one was recognising sadness, step two was counselling, and then as you have no doubt read on my thread – even beginning to acknowledge myself as a sexual being (either gay or straight) was a huge hurdle – and still not really reconciled. I have a long way to go! 🙂 🙂


If you’d asked me even six months ago if I would have ever had the confidence to put myself in a situation where I could meet someone, I too, would have said no. Is there a church near you that might be more “gay friendly”? Could that be an option?


I will indeed keep praying for you. I hang onto the fact that God knows us inside and out – He knows our every breath, every thought – rather than shun or hide from that – I embrace it. He knows all about us – yet still loves us.


Take care,


Sarab. 🙂



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
November 3, 2011, 18:48

Hi Ammi,


You are very courageous to share your story and being so honest. It’s great you are feeling some encouragement reading other’s like Sarab’s story. I do feel that it can be the same for you. One step at a time, sometime when we look at the whole lot it can seem over whelming.


If other’s can have a loving relationship I don’t see why you can’t have that someone special.


You have read other people stories and know that often they felt the same and bit by bit, over time things changed for them. Some pretty quickly other’s more slowly. Time doesn’t matter, what does it that they were able to accept they were same sex attracted and were able to move into relationships. I’m sure that can be the same for you if you want it.


Don’t give up or be discouraged, find comfort and strength from other stories.


God Bless



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
November 5, 2011, 08:40

You mention feeling grief and loss… can you identify what that is about?


I’m not sure that I can totally… I think it relates also to my own denial of myself as a sexual being for most of my life and the sublimation of desires for intimacy… I know that if I were to come out as same sex attracted to my family and some of my friends… I would be in the difficulty you are talking about on your thread.


I also acknowledge that my lack of self esteem and confusion and anxiety about suffering from chronic major depression and anxiety strongly influence my feelings that I will never have a partner…. and this is a cause of grief and loss… It seems to be a constant struggle to maintain balance in the friendships I do have… and that makes me sad too…


It would be good to finish up this entry on a brighter note… I do have sincere, kind and generous friends, who profess their love and care for me and for these I am very thankful…



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
November 5, 2011, 09:10

Hi ammi


I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but when you acknowledged a lack in self esteem, I thought about an excellent book that I can recommend. It’s ‘The Self Esteem Journal’ by Alison Waines. It’s a practical workbook that’s very simple to read. If any of the exercises are too challenging, such as going into the past, you don’t have to do them. Using it alongside the support of a counsellor is also a good idea in case things come up that you need to discuss.


I tend to believe that being a good partner to yourself is the first step to being a good partner to someone else. And I suspect you already know from the work you’ve done on yourself that having good supports and engaging in self nurturing activities are important in that.


You said: “that I will never have a partner.” I can relate to thinking I’ll never have something when it hasn’t materialised in my life to date. However when I’ve made a change in the present, things have changed around me and the future has had a chance to be different to what I’ve predicted. From experience, I know that the ‘never’ mentality can alter, and in turn, opportunities can open up.


What makes you think your family and some friends would not be comfortable with your sexuality?


Blessings,


Ann Maree



freeme
 
Joined in 2011
November 6, 2011, 04:48

Ammi,


Hi mate how are you?


I relate to you mate.


It is a journey and God is sooo for you and loves you right where u are at the moment even though it is so confusing right now it will all make sense eventually.


Surrounding yourself with guys/girls that are positive,open and gracious will really help you.


Where do you live?


I am in Perth?


Thank you for having the courage to post your blog.


Cheers


Freeme



sarab
 
Joined in 2011
November 6, 2011, 15:57

Hi again Ammi,

I have sat down over the last day or so and read your story and posts from beginning to end – along with the comments from others on the site. There are certainly a lot of your questions and issues that resonate with me.


Thank you for sharing what’s been going on with you – your courage in sharing, along with the comments and input from others has really helped me.

I thought I’d just let you know some of the ways in which your story has touched me:


I smiled when I read that you were reading Richard Rohr – Ha! It was listening to Richard Rohr’s spirituality for the two halves of life on audio CD that played a significant part in leading me on this journey and of beginning to think about sitting with “both” & “and” in tension – rather than seeing things in an “either” “or” sense 🙂 Still getting my head around some of this. :~


I liked what Ann Maree has said to you about dealing with friends who may not agree with same sex relationships – that it can be OK for both of you to have that view – yet retain the friendship. This is good to remember, however I also take on board that while we are still figuring stuff out or feeling vulnreable – that being with supportive people is important.


I really related to the discussion and comments with you and Marc about “disappointing” God as you search for clarity over your sexuality. hmmm – I think I am tucking my fear of disappointing God into a neat little corner of my pocket!! I really liked Marc’s comment about giving himself permission to “take a sabatical” from church/service etc… and his reminder of God’s grace at this point.

Yes! – when we need that sabatical – or time out – God’s grace is right there to sweep us up and carry us along. I liked Ann Maree’s comment too that we need to “know ourselves… to be able to serve”.


As for your beautiful comment about “the deep blue translucent ball of possible hope suspended in [your] gut” – well Ammi – I took a deep breath as I read that. Such a beautiful, gentle yet powerful image – and so very important to hold on to. My prayer for you will be that you can indeed hold onto that translucent ball…and that it may indeed grow bigger and brighter. 🙂


I could even relate to your questions around “gender neutrality” and to Ann Maree’s wondering if this could be something to “hide behind”…..


And so thank you to you Ammi for continuing to share your story – there must be zillions of ammis and sarabs out there!!


please know that you are in my prayers. Hang in there!!


Sarab 🙂



ammi
 
Joined in 2011
November 6, 2011, 17:19

Hi ammi


I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but when you acknowledged a lack in self esteem, I thought about an excellent book that I can recommend. It’s ‘The Self Esteem Journal’ by Alison Waines.


You said: “that I will never have a partner.” I can relate to thinking I’ll never have something when it hasn’t materialised in my life to date. However when I’ve made a change in the present, things have changed around me and the future has had a chance to be different to what I’ve predicted.


What makes you think your family and some friends would not be comfortable with your sexuality?


Blessings,


Ann Maree


Thanks so much Ann Maree for your supportive comments… thanks for recommending that book on self esteem. I will look out for it…


I really appreciated your reminder that ‘never’ language can become so self fulfilling… you know, I had gone through a time earlier in the year, when I was feeling much more positive about meeting, developing a relationship with someone who could be a partner… I guess my ‘never’ language is a reflection of one of the down swings in my mood… it is good for me to recognise that today.


My church is currently in the grips of turmoil about acceptance of same sex attracted people – and that heightens my anxiety about any level of acceptance I would receive from some key people in my life – my family are also very conservative and have had little to no interaction with LGBT people or had their thoughts challenged in anyway – – guess that doesn’t mean they won’t still love me though.


It gets very tricky…


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