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Couldn't march with you last night but with you in spirit. Here's my story.

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sanguine_chick
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2009
February 28, 2010, 12:14

Happy Mardi Gras!


Anthony forwarded me this questionnaire a few weeks ago and encouraged me to post my response in this forum.


1. What kind of ex-gay program/s were you are part of?

Living Waters


2. Why did you submit yourself to ex-gay style counselling/therapy?

I was desperate. I needed to try everything possible to try and get me ‘healed’. I really believed that if I keep trying, if I have a much better understanding, that my attraction to women will go away or that maybe I can at least learn to manage it. I had been on my knees, in tears trying to ‘pray it away’ and nothing had happened. I didn’t want to cave in and end up in hell and I didn’t want to disappoint my family and friends.


3. How long were you trying to turn from gay to straight?

I’ve been aware of this since I was 11 years old, but as early as age 6 I remember watching TV with my uncles and wanting to say how great the female performers were on TV but somehow aware that it wasn’t an appropriate thing to say.


4. What was your experience like going through ex-gay programs/therapy?

It was initially quite freeing to be in a place where everyone had ‘issues’. I learned a lot but I think I also learned to attribute a lot of it to my upbringing and my relationship to my parents (mother issues, infidelity of a parent, etc). A year later I became a co-leader. It was quite a tight knit group because you have this understanding that you have all been through some intense internal battles and it was great to have access to a support group on a weekly basis during the programme. I remember a friend asking me once (after having been through the programme for a couple of years) if I have been healed, my response was ‘yes, I am healed’. I truly believed it. I guess I must have also believed that the more I claim it the stronger I will be only to find myself battling with same-sex attraction all over again. It never truly went away.


5. Why did you not continue?

I was asked to be a leader again, in fact I was asked to consider being a leader for the region. I knew I could only say yes if I felt that I could truly say that I have been healed. I also felt tired of constantly being emotionally on edge, wondering what other issues will come up as I go through the programme or even as I lead a group through the programme. As much as there were moments of revelation, it was also quite an emotionally draining experience. Towards the end it felt like I was using the group as a crutch and I was constantly limping my way through life because of this fear that one day I will cave in, one day I will no longer have the strength to control or manage my internal struggle. I was worried that as a leader I will fail and that would be an epic fail in my part.


6. What was your experience like after leaving ex-gay program/therapy?

It was quite unsettling initially. I felt like I was letting myself out in the open for attack and I no longer had the support or the protection of the group. Around this time I also stopped going to church regularly. I felt quite suffocated by all the expectations that I had put on myself and what I felt others had put on me. Being a good girl, a pastor’s kid and a role model took its toll and I just wanted to break free from it all. It took another 2-3 years before I finally came out. I moved to Sydney to have a bit of space and to get away from my usual environment. Coming out wasn’t something I had planned when I moved to Sydney but within a month of being there, I realised that it wasn’t something I could run away from anymore. I didn’t want to be 50 years old and still be wondering what it would be like to live my life freely. I was 35 at that time and I knew I couldn’t possibly spend another 15 years of my life wondering.


7. How do you feel now about your sexuality?

Having lived in the Christian world since I was in my mother’s womb, where the first song I learned was ‘Jesus Loves me This I know’ and I knew John 3.16 off by heart by the time I was 5, living my life outside what I had known all my life took awhile to get used to. The first year I came out all I could think of was ‘I am going to hell, I am going to hell, I am sooo going to hell’. The following year I lost my best friend of 20 years when I finally came out to her and poured my heart out and shared my journey. Three years on I now wonder why I didn’t do it sooner. Every day is like a ‘coming out day’ but I would never trade a life in the closet to the authentic life I am living now.


8. What would you say to anyone considering attempting to go from gay to straight?

Talk to someone about it. Get a few different perspectives (not just the church’s perspective). Surround yourself with people who really care about you. Take courage in the fact that others have gone before you, have survived and are now living a life they never thought possible. You too can have that life.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 1, 2010, 16:40

Hi Pia


Thank for sharing your experience of an ex gay program. It’s great that you are now free and living the life you were meant to be living. Congratulations! I hope we hear more from you at f2b.


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
March 4, 2010, 21:41

so good to have you post your story here Pia……I’m sure there are others in Australia and NZ who need to hear this…..so they don’t waste years of their lives trying to do the impossible……turning from gay to straight. Living Waters….could possibly be renamed Stagnant Waters…….people get stuck in the pool for ages and it sucks the life out of them. Is that too harsh?



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
March 4, 2010, 21:44

Next year??????



IanJ
 
Joined in 2009
March 5, 2010, 00:10

Thanks for sharing your story- I waited 50 years- but I did the whole Christian pain thing on my own. But I agree with you about the freedom I have now. It’s very, very nice!

Ian



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 25, 2010, 03:01

looking forward to having you in Sydney again……you can help swell our female ranks.



sanguine_chick
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2009
April 25, 2010, 12:51

thanks for the welcome ann maree.


happy for you too ian! i figured, the best time to come out is the moment you came out.


will definitely march with you all next year. anthony, i am so looking forward to returning to my spiritual home – sydney. the place where i had the freedom and the courage to live my life.


x



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
April 26, 2010, 20:51

No probs Pia. Good to hear from you! 🙂


Blessings,


Ann Maree


___________________


Jesus said: “If you bring forth that which is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” Gospel of Thomas, vs 70.


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