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Do Parent's "Come Out" ??

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Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 23, 2011, 13:33

Do parents “come out”


I’ve heard the term “Coming Out” also used to describe parents when they tell people their child is gay, and I used it as the title of this post.


I’m still very new to all the correct terminology and what it all means, so do parents “come out” too? I’m not coming out, my son did or am I?


I tell people I have 2 boys, I tell people one of my son’s is married, I tell people they have both moved out yeah 😀 I’m proud of my boys, I don’t hide the fact I have children so I shouldn’t and don’t want to hide the fact that one of them is gay.


Sounds easy hey! In reality it might not be that easy. An issue I am facing at the moment or about to is, telling some of the extended family my son is gay. I’ll tell my story here but I would also like to hear from other parents about their experiences of telling friends and family. Maybe we can all help each other, and be a support for one another. Helen has already said a little on another post about her experiences of telling her mother, it would be great Helen if you could tell it again here, thanks.


When my son told us he was gay, my very close friend was away on holidays, I couldn’t wait for her to come home so I could talk to her. I knew she would be fine about it all and be a support for me and my son.


Apart from her I have only told one other person, the reason is I don’t really have anyone else to tell, yet. All of our extended family live in other states and we are not particularly close, they don’t have much to do with our kids these days. That has changed; we used to live in the same suburbs, or state and they used to see my children on a regular basis so we were close in distance and relationship, for some families distance would not have an impact on relationships but in our case it has. On my side of the family there has also been another big issue that has caused a split in my family. My parents are together but I don’t have anything to do with my father and my relationship with my mother is difficult. My mother and I were once very very close and it is only because of that once close relationship that we have one at all now. Her only grandchildren are my children; my brother doesn’t have any children. He asks about my boys when we talk and his wife always asks my son “Mr Summit” does he have girlfriend yet, my mother also asks that from time to time. My brother doesn’t have much to do with my family, just the way it is. He and I are kind of like oil and water 🙂 so there was no need to tell the extended family at the time.


Of course they will find out at some point and soon. Because we are not close it does make it easier and harder at the same time. My son doesn’t care what they think or if they know and it won’t make any difference in his life since he has very little contact with them, it more affects me. I don’t care what my brother thinks, I have very little to do with him, I do think he will be fine with it all though. My mother well that’s a different issue, she (they) have very strong, very strong views on homosexuality and don’t say nice things, and are certainly not accepting.


They are currently touring around Australia in a caravan, just started the trip. The only contact I have with my mum is via email, these days. So I’m waiting for her to cross state lines and not have the internet so freely, so she can think before she opens her big mouth and shoots out the first thing that pops into her head. :O


I’m pretty well 100% sure it will not be received well, so why am I going to tell my mother (long story) but basically because one day she will find out and I’d rather she heard it from me and I can put my son in a positive light and show her that just because he is gay, it hasn’t changed the wonderful person he is. I will be standing between her (them) and my son. I have written her a letter that I will be sending via email soon, of course I asked my son’s permission before I would tell her. My son has read the letter and is very pleased with what I have written, his only concern is for me, as they will mostly likely blame me somehow, they have habit of doing that. Hey that’s why I’m waiting for them to have no internet :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:


I’m posting this because I think the comments and stories you guys tell will be a big support to me and to others that might be facing the same or similar issues. I wrote the letter a few weeks ago and have been waiting to the right time, now I find I’m getting this real urge to tell her. Wish me luck.


So do we “Come Out” as parents?



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 23, 2011, 20:10

Hi Mother Hen


What an excellent topic. It’s so great that you are representing what can be a really difficult issue for parents, and not just the sons and daughters who are coming out.


Your post also makes me realise that we never stop being a daughter/son even when we get older or have our own children. Everyone needs love and approval from their parents or significant others and I think most of us also want to be real and accepted as we are. I admire your courage to be truthful and open even though you expect a negative response from your mother. I can see that you are wanting to make your disclosure with everyones’ best interests in mind too and that’s good.


Mother Hen, would you consider posting your letter here or even the gyst of it? And if you think it’s too personal, feel free not to of course.


Either way, thanks for raising this topic. I’m sure a lot of people will find it very helpful. 🙂


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 24, 2011, 10:55

Hi Ann Maree,


Thanks for your comments. I won’t post the letter I’m sending to my mum, it’s to her so will leave it at that. My aim of the letter is to tell my mother in a way that challenges her views and beliefs. My son is her grandson who she loves and had a lot to do with when he was younger, it is my hope that her love for my son challenges her to re think her views, I’ve done that by pointing out the challenges my son has faced over a long period of time, the efforts he went to, to change, the desire he has for God and Jesus in his life and the extensive bible study he did and how now he is happy and comfortable in who he is. I’ve also pointed out the many charitable works my son does and his openness and honestly towards God. We believe everything my son has gone through has given him such a kind loving heart for the people the world and church reject, the people Jesus came for, he has the heart of Jesus. Of course I strongly showed the love and support we have for our son.


It is an honest letter that comes from my heart, If anything can change my mother’s views the letter and her love for her grandson will. If she was on her own I would feel far more confident but she has a lot of influence coming from my father, I think if she responded well I would fall off my chair and be pleasantly surprised more like shocked.


God Bless



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 24, 2011, 12:03

Hi Mother Hen


You are welcome and yes I understand that some personal stuff, like letters, are best kept for the recipient alone and not for this more public context.


Thanks for outlining the main themes in the letter though. I love where you’re coming from and I’m not surprised that Mr Summit is pleased with the letter. I mean, how fanstastic to have his Mum recognise him and his efforts in that way! I can really feel the love and closeness you both share which is beautiful. 🙂 I can’t imagine what else you could possibly include, and if your mother doesn’t come to her senses with that, well it really is a huge loss to her.


Meanwhile, it’s a huge gain for Mr Summit and for all of us here in your new f2b family. Your strength and commitment in taking this stand are enormously encouraging, both to myself and to many others here as well. 🙂


Thanks again Mother Hen! 🙂


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 24, 2011, 13:58

hey Motherhen…..this is a great thread….thanks for commencing it.


Sometimes people asking…….does so and so have a girlfriend yet is code for I think he is gay…..if so now would be a good time to tell me because i’m interested 🙂


other times of course it is just naivety and an expectation that all ‘normal’ males have girlfriends….get married and have children.


yep….totally understand you not posting the letter to your Mum here.


I was thinking though….(how unusual)……if it was similar in many ways re construction and content to the letter that Mr Summit wrote to you.


Blaming is a place many people go to. Mums worry that they may have caused their sons to be gay. Dads think they may have caused it by not being good fathers. Pastors try to blame sexual abuse. the list is endless. they want to find fault. Of course what we know from science today is that our sexual orientation is basically predetermined in the womb by biological factors of hormones and genetics. So if blame belongs anywhere it is mother nature.


Is your Mum a christian…….that also will have a huge impact on the potential of her response as well as the generation she was brought up in which was basically ignorant and ill informed about sexual orientation



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 24, 2011, 14:49

Something I was thinking of this morning is that for me, telling my mother my son is gay is my biggest step I have to take. I’m not faced with losing friends or being shunned by the church I’ve been going to for years and years. These are some of the issues I do think some parents could be faced with. In this respect they have this in common with their child, just as their child was concerned with being rejected, the parent may also be worried about being rejected by friends, family, the church and even being verbal abused.


I’m not trying to say that parents go through the same struggles, as the child, just pointing out that for some parents this could be a real issue, I think it’s good for us to keep that in mind. That is where I hope this post can help support those parents.



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 24, 2011, 14:54

Thankyou both so much for your wonderful comments, it gives me strength and encouragement 🙂


Yes my mother is a Christian and very much under the old school of thinking, so this is why I know it will be difficult. There is a lot of history with my parents, as I said there is a split that I won’t go into so that also adds to the difficulty with my mother.


My letter to my mum does have some bits my son said to us in regards to his struggles etc but I’ve said how wonderful my son is lots more 0:) .


As you said Ann Maree it will be my mother’s loss if she doesn’t accept my son as I will be making a stand with him. So she could lose a lot, we can all pray it doesn’t come to that.


I’ve always been close to both my boys, “Mr Summit” had a time where he pulled away a bit while he was working things out, but lately I feel like I have my son back and it’s wonderful. 😀 😀 Who would think I would say that about my son being gay. It’s about him being able to be open, and be himself with us and not hiding who he is. I love it, that is how you try and bring your kids up to be able to do, so it’s nice he can truly be himself with us.


Thankyou so much you are also providing support for me.


God bless to you both.


Hopefully other parents will also contribute to this post



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 24, 2011, 15:39

yep not the same….but similar in many many ways.



  • fear of rejection

  • possible loss of family and friends

  • sense of shame attached to homosexuality

  • dont ask dont tell (the silent treatment)

  • denial


……just to name a few



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 31, 2011, 12:07

Well I was hoping more parents and others would add to this post, maybe some will at a later stage.


For those who are following it, I will keep you updated on the progress and also maybe it will help others.


A few days ago I sent the letter via email to my mother, at the end of the email I told her to give herself sometime to absorb what I have told her, give it time to sink in a bit and maybe re read what I have written before she responds. I’m hoping the encouragement in holding off a wee bit before she responds gives a more thought out response and not just a reaction.


So just the waiting, which is always fun, I don’t know how often she will be checking her email.


Will let you know her response when I get it.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 31, 2011, 16:12

I think a lot of Christian parents who might come to this site are lurkers motherhen……I guess you are familiar with that term.


At least this is up now……and I guess search engines can pick it up….and when more people contact me I will continue to encourage them to come here.


I was at a conference in Melbourne yesterday with Church leaders having a dialogue about LGBT issues. I met a christian bikie whose 23 year old son only recently came out to him. To say he was not previously gay affirming would be an understatement…….but hopefully he will tell his story here as I have encouraged him to.


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