Feeling so very lost..

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Joined in 2012
March 4, 2012, 21:42

Hi all,

Im new on here, just joined up today. I found this site after these past few months of feeling like I have a massive burden on my shoulders.

I kind of grew up in a church environment though my parents were not Christians. My mother died in 2007 and i live with my dad. I found my way to God in high school, through the fear driven antics of the christian school i was going to. But turned from God after my mum died for 2 years. Through friends I was led back to God and threw my entire life into serving Him. God has been my everything.

Now through high school, and college etc. I had found myself having crushes on girls, which played out through some sexual experimentation as well, but hadnt really thought much about it. Kind of thought it was a phase or something and wasnt really worried about it. I still identified as 'straight'.

But these last few months I have fallen for a girl… a crush pretty much unlike anything I have ever experienced. And its thrown into question my sexuality… And I am really struggling. I cant find a balance between my faith, and what I feel I cant avoid facing any longer.

I am so sick of pretending to be one thing, while feeling something totally different. When I am at church I feel like a fraud, knowing that if people really knew where i was at they would judge me for it. I know I cant share this with anyone from church, because it would simply be a response of "praying away the problem".

I feel so torn, and hopeless, and im scared about what the future holds… and basically, i just really need someone who gets it, and I have no idea how to find that. It was a search for someone who understands what I am going through, who might have some insight into what on earth i should do that led me here…

Anyway, thats me.


Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
March 4, 2012, 22:12

Amy – Welcome. As a 'mere male', and an 'old bloke' at that, I won't presume to answer you questions.

Other than to say – you've come to the right place. There will be several people on this Forum who will have just the right response for you. I am sure that you will have already read some of the stories – probably the more recent ones. When you have time, dig back into some of the older stories too. Whilst every story if different and individual, there are common strands. You will identify with some of them.

You are on a journey of discovery. We all are; some further down the track than others. It's not always a smooth ride. But with the help of the freedom2b 'family', yours will now be easier. So, be encouraged. It all takes time, but it gets easier along the way.

God bless ~ david

Princess _Fiona
Joined in 2011
March 5, 2012, 05:34

Hi Amy

Firstly warm welcome extended to you and a hug sent your way. I myself am fairly new to freedom2b only joining at the end of Nov 2011. I hope you find acceptance, love and encouragement here as I have and countless others, as you will read. Would encourage you to as Forestgrey said look through and read the many journeys that are shared on this forum. You will find many similar people who do know your struggles to some point and find this is a place were you can not feel so isolated and different. This I hope will help you alot in moving forward in your journey, self discovery and own acceptance.

Looking forward to hearing more from you, once again a warm welcome to you. Thank you for sharing some of your journey with us, it takes courage to just join and alot to open up and share …..know that in sharing your story you will also be encouraging others.


Joined in 2005
March 5, 2012, 10:45

Hi Amy

Thanks for Posting and our thoughts are with you. You are not alone in what you are going through. Many of us have been in the closet and hidden.

I didnt start coming out till my late 20´s and even then for a long time I hid my boyfriend from my work and my family and my church friends. Thats a terrible feeling. You are split in two and theres a cognitive dissonance thats very destructive.

Many many of us go through this.

Anthony Venn Brown´s book – A life of unlearning tells of his story as well (he frequently posts on here) and many people find that helpful.

If you have questions – feel free to post them or look through the resources section and read other posts. You are not alone in what you are going through (although each of our journeys are unique we share much)

I would also suggest looking around for an accepting church in your area. There are more and more accepting churches nowadays and finding a safe and accepting environment will help a lot. Some people end up attending two churches (their original one as its comfortable and an accepting one where they can get support and be out) and thats fine if it works for you.

If you cant find a Christian church thats supportive, another option could be to see if there is a universalist unitarian church nearby. They tend to be very accepting of both beliefs and sexuality.

Are you able to make it to any Freedom2b chapter meetings ? They can be good also – let you know you are not alone.

(Although the use of the word college makes me think you may be in the USA ??)

Universities and colleges often have social groups and whilst they can be very scary to go to the first few times – the reality is often not so scary (in hindsight I mean). The gay papers of a city often have a list of social groups (and theres sometimes a Lesbian specific paper also). In sydney for example we just had queer screen and going to movies is a good way to sort of get a feel for things. What i did when I came out to myself was I forced mself (and Im shy so this was quite hard) to go to a different group each week. The ones I was initially interested in – I didnt click but I eventually found two (one of which was an activity I had no interest in initially but I clicked with the group SO well when i went) that I loved – Gay skate and wrestling and I have friends from those days many years later. Again – this worked for me – may not work for you but at least think about it. Things are easier when you have a support network. Its hard going the first time or so but it can be worth it.

Also – while not a step to rush – especially now you have posted here – use this forum for a bit – I would suggest looking around your friends for a low risk person to come out to.

No hurry and take your time about this. Also I dont know your country or culture but my experience in australia has been that in coming out to friends its often the fear that is much worse than the reality. I agonised for months about coming out to my first friend and when i did it was a total non event. Even my most religious friends were pretty good and said they couldnt agree with my lifestyle but they would still be friends (and decades later we still are and I tell them all about Mardi gras. Many people – in time – adapt amazingly).

I know this might seem a difficult thing when young but I know know who I am – and I want people to know that – and if they dont like the real me – I dont want them as friends….I know when your young the prospect of losing friends is almost an inconsolable loss but I now believe that Im better off without some friends (and thats WITH my low self esteem !)

Ive worked in Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra, Brisbane, Singapore, Wellington and Auckland (New Zealand), Geneva, Framingham, and Pleasanton and Ive learnt you can make new friends. So dont be scared about the Future.

Some of my older AOG (Assemblies of God ) Friends just dont socialise with me now I am out to them but they werent mean or anything and i have a rich circle of friends now who appreciate me and my partner …. many of whom are on here.

Oh and I have plenty of straight friends – I dont suggest just disappearing into a Ghetto….We arent our sexuality. Its just one part of a complete person.

Thats my experience – I know your journey wont be the same – but take your time and in the meantime – our thoughts are with you. Hope some of that helps !


Joined in 2012
March 5, 2012, 10:59

Thank you so much,

I am in Canberra, so from what i can see Freedom2b don't have any events that happen here? I havnt had a great look around for whats out there but am keen to key into whatever is around so should have a bit of a search.

Joined in 2005
March 5, 2012, 11:43

Hi Amy

No – there isnt a Chapter in Canberra – but some people from Canberra come up to sydney occasionally for events. Several of our past board members are from Canberra.

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 5, 2012, 14:08

Hi Amy,

Welcome to F2B, you are so brave and courageous for sharing your story such a scary thing to do at first. Honestly the people at F2B are wonderful, they are a great bunch of supportive, loving accepting people. They are the best.

Quote from amesylou on March 4, 2012, 9:42 pm

I feel so torn, and hopeless, and im scared about what the future holds… and basically, i just really need someone who gets it, and I have no idea how to find that. It was a search for someone who understands what I am going through, who might have some insight into what on earth i should do that led me here….

I think as you read the stories on this forum and I really encourage you too, that you find people here who do "get it" you are not alone. So many have been through similar things as you but are all still different in their own way and have their own experiences. I'm sure many stories will resonate with you. It can be such a relief to finally have someone who truly understands what it is like for you.

I think as you read the stories and look around this site you will see that the future can be very bright for you, that there is hope you will find the balance you seek, the balance many on this forum have already found.

God bless

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 5, 2012, 15:12

Hi Amy

Thanks so much for posting some of your story with us. You are definitely in a supportive place here. 🙂

How old are you?

You made a good point when you wondered if your experimentation with girls was a phase or not. For some people, this is exactly that and doesn't mean they are gay. And for others, it's the beginning of realising that their sexuality doesn't necessarily fit with being 100% heterosexual. Give yourself time to work it out. You don't have to have it all worked out straight away.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2009
March 6, 2012, 16:38

Hi Amy

Welcome from another Canberrian who mainly lurks but comes out for the occasional chat. It is hard, isn't it when there is no one at church you can talk to and you feel like you are all alone dealing with this "thing".

It is also hard when you don't want to put a label on what you are feeling – I agree with Ann Maree, there is no need to be in a rush to decide whether attarction to women is your orientation or not. God's opinion of you doesn't change regardless, you are still his much loved child, and he is still proud of you.

What I do know is that the people on this forum can be really helpful, it is a good safe place to explore ideas and get honest feedback, and no question is too simple to ask, because there is always a wise answer around.

Canberra is also a good place – the local gay and lesbian commnity is quite mature and accepting.

I was in my mid 30s when I came out to myself and older when I came out to others – it is a journey, but it's worth it.


Joined in 2008
March 6, 2012, 18:50

Welcome Amy!

I'm so glad you found freedom2b 🙂 It sounds like you have been experiencing some difficult issues. We have all come to freedom2b through some commonalities in our Christian backgrounds and have gained amazing support and encouragement through the connections made here 🙂

Thankyou for also posting your story. This is not always easy to do but it helps others to respond with better understanding and empathy.

We hope you find some answers and peace in the process.

Warm regards


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