Feeling Unclean

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Joined in 2009
March 25, 2009, 10:29

Hello everybody!

How are you? πŸ™‚

My name is Ditte.At the moment Im really struggeling with who I am ~ being christian and gay. I have a hard time accepting that I am gay.

I have always felt attraction to other girls but I didnt do anything about it. I have had boyfriends and kissing a girl was a dream that I kept to my self… πŸ˜‰

At the age of 17 I met Jesus. I havent had an easy life because I have a mental illness called Borderline and so life has been very difficult for me and I have had especially problems with depressions.

Anyway.. I have been involved in the pentacostal church and also in another church that was really radical and fantatic. There were good thing and there were many bad things about being a part of this radical church. You had to be in a certain way and being different usually ment being wrong/ not on the path!

Now.. for 3-4 years ago I was going through a really bad time in my life. I was suffering from depression, I meet a christian man and his wife and they took me in and I lived with them for about 4-5 months. He said that he was able to help me and no else cared about me. He was the only one who could help me and so he became my friend.

He manipulated me a lot and I wasent able to see that because I was in a ( mentally ) very bad shape and I just wanted to get better. I was cutting my self, not eating, crying out to God and so on and as I became more and more depressed, he slowly began to kiss me and touch me. Then it happend.. he sexually abused me. This went on for 3 mounths.

I didnt feel that there was anything I could do to stop him.. in fact I didnt feel anything at all. I was numb.

Its a long story but it just broke something inside of me. I wasent able to run away from him because we were on a island,, I was that sick. Finally I was amitted to psyciatrick hospital on the island – my choice – and that made it possible for me to come home. Broken….

I wasent the same anymore. I didnt trust men and I still dont. I cant stand men to come close to me. I hated God because I couldnt believe that he allowed that to happen to me. Then, shortly after I came home, I meet a girl and we fell in love <3 She has been my girlfriend ever since and I love her.

In these 3 years, after the abuse, I have had such an inner conflict about who I am, does God love me now that Im with her, shame and guild, pain and more pain. It was very hard but it got better after the first year but now I feel like I am back where I started. I cant sleep. Im thinking all the time about my life, how I should live as a christian to be loved and happy, I flip back and fouth between accepting who I am and being ashamed and wanting to kill myself!

Here in Denmark there is a christian organisation and I have talked to their leader. He is very fanatic in a lot of ways and he told me that is wrong to be gay and that Gud can and will cure me if I leave everything and come and live with them for 1 year or so. It appeals to me because I just want the nightmare to stop.

I just want to be normal...........

At the same time I love my girl and I cannot live without her.

What if its true? Can I take the chance? Am I going to hell? Is God like that? Why did he let the abuse happen and then let me go to hell for something that is not my choice??

Last night I couldnt sleep, thinking a lot about the sexual abuse over and over again...... and if I gay or not. Am I really gay or am I just in a middle of an identitycrisis because of the abuse? I was thinking about suiside last night and I got really scared because I really felt like ending the suffering......... I cant take this!

Am I bisexual or am I just acting out because of my hate to men and what he did to me!? I feel bad that the abuse is the reason why I started the relationship with this girl ( hate towards men ) OOOhh I dont know anything right now!! I fell in love with her but without the abuse, I dont think I had ever done anything about the attraction towards girls.

I feel unclean.

Okey.. I will stop for now and I hope my english is good enoght to understand? I also hope that you will understand why I choose to talk about the abuses because its a big part of who I am today. Im just soooo confused.......

God bless you all <3

Thank you for this forum. I have been reading some of the stories and it feel good to know that Im not alone.

Joined in 2009
March 25, 2009, 17:32

Dear Ditte

Welcome and thank you for sharing.

I’m going to defer to more qualified people to give you some good theologically based comments. I would just urge you to keep reading through the many threads posted here and you will see that you are by no means alone.

When you reflect on your past abuse, you may also be wary of giving yourself over to people who say they will look after you, and who intend to “change” you. Don’t let yourself be a victim again. It sounds as though you already have someone in your life who loves you and is taking care of you. Even if you need to step back from the sexual side for a time to reflect on who you are, I am sure your girl will understand and support you emotionally and as a best friend whilst you journey through these challenges. There are many people here who would like to help you work through these issues.

God bless


PS – Your English is remarkably good.

PPS – Say hello to Princess Mary for us πŸ˜‰

Joined in 2008
March 25, 2009, 20:25

Hi Ditte,

Welcome to Freedom2b[e]. I believe you’ve been in touch with Anthony our Co-convenor who has suggested sharing your story on the forum? You have made the right decision πŸ™‚

This is a safe space where you can freely discuss issues relevant to your personal situation. There are many good people here who have shared their own personal stories – some similar to yours.

You are not unclean, and it is not wrong to love another woman in a mutual relationship if you care for each other. Have you checked out the Resources section on our forum?

God bless you, and keep in touch

Joined in 2007
March 25, 2009, 20:37

Hi Ditte,

Thank you for your honesty! I feel sad hearing how tortured you feel and the experiences that you have had. I don’t think there are any easy answers and I think many of us have similar questions.

Take a breath, be kind to yourself. It is a journey and there is plenty of time to talk to people, work out what the bible is saying and to pray that God would help you to understand Him better. He is totally patient and loves you so so so much. You don’t need to panic.

I hope you find support here and from other Christians back in Denmark.

All the best!

Sparrow πŸ™‚

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 25, 2009, 21:06

HI Ditte….and welcome to the forum. I’ll move your post to the stories section if you dont mind.

I will email you a presentation I did at the Australian Gay and Lesbian National Health Conference. it talks about some of the things you’ve mentioned here. Sexual abuse can certainly complicate things when we are trying to resolve our faith and sexuality.

here is a little in the doc that might be helpful to others as well.


We all have areas to resolve in our lives and these include:

1. Family – whether this is an issue or not depends on your upbringing.

2. Sexuality – this depends on your family, cultural/social construct as well as the geographic area you live in. It’s much easier for a young person to resolve this in the eastern suburbs of Sydney than a small rural town where the expectation is that you will get married and have a family like everyone else. β€˜There are no gays in our village and if they tried to come in then we’d kill them.’ Think Matthew Sheppard.

3. Christian belief system – if you are a traditional Christian then your faith and beliefs will be in conflict with sexuality.

4. Sexual abuse – see how the issues are compounding and becoming more complex.

5. HIV+ status – and so a matrix of issues is created. Just like a drainpipe clogged up with a matted root system that is extremely difficult to disentangle.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 25, 2009, 21:24

Ditte……have you been getting some professional help about the abuse….its a complex issue…and one we are not qualified to help with. We can of course share our experiences with you here.

Joined in 2008
March 30, 2009, 08:41

Hi Ditte.

I’m praying for you. I can’t add anything to what everyone else has said so far and I won’t trivialize what you’re going through by even trying to articulate a remark. So yeah – I’m praying for you – tonight.


Joined in 2009
April 15, 2009, 03:42

Thank you so so much for your respons!

.. And Im sorry that I havent replied untill now.. Its hard to talk about because Im so ambivilent about my sexuality. Besides.. it makes it a little bit harder because its not in my own language but its okey.. πŸ™‚

Thank you again for the rsponse! You are so sweet, all of you! It means a lot to me that you have read my story. The abuse happend 3-4 years ago but it still hurts sometimes.

Anthony, you asked if Im getting help about the abuse? I dont. I want to but I dont have the money to pay for it. I have come a long way by me self but offcourse there is a lot of anger and hate that I have to deal with. Im working on getting terapy in the psykiatric clinic but its not easy, I can tell you! πŸ˜‰

Last time I was thinking about moving away to this place where they said they could cure me but I realize now that I was in panik. I cant run from myself even if I want to hehe! And you are right, Pentatropics! You said: ” Don’t let yourself be a victim again.” Its so true.. and I know better now.

Its the thought that someone will take care of me and have all the answers but I know that it would only make things worse than they all ready are. I have to find my own way in life and be true to myself.

Its just so hard because I allways feel like Im wrong and fake, living a life that Im not suppouse to. My girlfriend and I dont live in the same city so we are together a week or 2 and then we are apart from eachother 1 or 2 weeks. This means that I have a lot of time being my self and its like we have our life together and then Im ” single ” half of the time and in that time I have problems with the thoughts in my head. I have to face my self every day, looking into the mirror and I dont know who I see anymore!

I believe in Jesus but it dosent fit the image that I have of being a christian. How do I explain that to myself? I cant!

Now.. I admit that I dont have a stabil identity because I have Borderline so I feel divided in half in my personality ( its not like scizofrenia ) so I have trouble finding my self in all of this caos. Who the f… am I!!??

We dont have sex, me and my girlfriend and havent had for a while now. She wants to have sex but I dont.. I mean, in a way I do but I dont need the guild and shame and the confusion. She gave me a chok a while ago when she said to me that we dont have a sexlife anymore! Wow I didnt know that hehe because I dont have the same need that she is having! πŸ˜‰ So here I was.. not knowing that we didnt have a sexlife.. I had all the excuses.. Im to tired, I have a headache and so on!

But I dont want to push my self to do something that I dont feel like doing. She says that she will wait but I dont feel like Im being hounest to her.

I have this other side in me saing that we will never have sex again and that I someday will find a man and have a family. I want to have children and it breaks my heart that time is passing by……. So I feel fake because in a way I feel like Im waiting ( and dreaming about finding a man ) and its not fair to her..

Oh I dont know!! A split personality, I say!!………

I do hope that it all makes some sense, it sound very confusing, I think!

Thank you, nicky-jay for your prayers..

If anyone feel like adding me on Facebook, let me know! Sometimes it easier that way πŸ˜‰

Hugs to you all!

Joined in 2009
April 15, 2009, 03:48

There is a lot of material on the net about the struggle one can have being gay and christian at the same time but sometimes its easier watching a sermon online. I found this sermon and it has really helped me a lot. Maybe it will help others so here it is:

Joined in 2009
April 20, 2009, 07:40


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