They would email me and talk bravely about how they were sick of the internal conflict and wanted to come out. After doing that and I emailed them again they would reject me. Then I'd get another email going through the whole process again. Initially it pissed me off……then I remembered that I had actually done this myself three times during the space of 20 years. No judgment…..allow people their journey in thier own time. We often have years of negative conditioning to overcome.
We open the door and run back inside……we may actually do this several times even to the point of totally coming out or coming out to a few select people. We begin to think about the consequences…..they scare us and we retreat again…..or we come out and don’t feel like we fit in……then go back……or think what we will lose is too great a price to pay (eternal consequences for those from faith backgrounds)…..and once again recommit to making the marriage work.
Personally I did this several times over the 22 years. The last time was after I’d resigned from the ministry. I thought I’d been deceived so dropped my plans to leave the marriage and re-committed to overcoming my homosexuality and making my marriage work. After 12 months though I came to the awareness that this was damaging to all concerned. This included myself, my wife and my children.
I think during this time we move through greater levels of consciousness. I used to think I was in love with my wife. When I feel in love with a man I realised that I’d never actually been in love. My love for my wife was more about friendship and companionship and common purpose. If I’d been in love with anything during those years it was being in love with the idea of being a husband and father and being ‘normal’.
I know this is not everyone’s experience….but it was mine…..so thought I’d share it here in case it was relevant to you and PC…..and any lurkers/observers on this list.
I’m not sure we can really create the new levels of consciousness…….they just happen……..we wake up.
I think its about reaching a tipping point of enough information and positive experience that tips the scales so we know longer teeter and can move on in life. OMG….what a relief.
your recent experience at the school formal may have tilted the scales for good.