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How"out" at work should I be?

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Michelle
President
Joined in 2008
December 12, 2008, 20:43

I have a unique situation at the place I work. I am a Kindergarten Assistant, therefore I work with 3-4yo children. I am completely out to my co-workers and a few of the parents on the commitee know as well. I have only disclosed my relationship when it happens to come up in conversation and I feel ok to discuss. There is however one mother in particular who often refers to my partner as “the hubby!” For eg. When I mentioned a recent weekend away with my partner, she responded with a wink and nudge, and a comment like “a bit of romance with your hubby heh?” I replied saying “something like that” I feel its not necessary to clarify my situation with this particular woman as she tends to talk about other people at times and her child is in my group this year and next year. Maybe I’m worried for nothing but I don’t want any negativity between myself and any of the parents because I feel it can affect how they regard me with their child. 🙄

Is it ok to simply keep my sexuality out of it because it really doesn’t need to be public or should I make it clear when there is a mis conception? 😕



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
December 12, 2008, 21:12

Personally, given the situation and knowing what the woman is like, I wouldnt feel the need to tell her, if people know they know if they dont they dont, I guess I would ask you “whats your gut instinct?” in regards to her. Personally I usually wait til I get an inner green light and occassionally bite the bullet 😉



Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
December 12, 2008, 21:34

Disclosure of your sexuality is not necessary, really. Unless it bothers you that this woman assumes you have a hubby? If it doesn’t really bother you, and you don’t feel that she would treat your disclosure with respect, then I would say don’t tell her.


I do volunteer work at the local museum in a country town once a week, and have often referred to “we” when talking about myself and my partner, but I have not, as yet come out to the people at the museum as I feel: A. I don’t know them well enough. B. It is not an issue yet. C. I would need to be sure of how the information will be received before I can decide who/when to tell.


Just go with your instincts on this, and tell or not tell depending on how you feel about it.


I actually think it is really sad that our society is so heteronormative that people just assume everyone is heterosexual, and will say things like that in the first place.


I am always struck with the fact that most heterosexual people just do not know what it is like to have to weigh up whether to be open about their relationship or not. ❗



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
December 13, 2008, 07:49

heteronormative


Thats a good word, I like it 8)


I am always struck with the fact that most heterosexual people just do not know what it is like to have to weigh up whether to be open about their relationship or not.


If homosexuality was an accepted part of society, their wouldnt be that weigh up as you have said Magz but we are a minority, so its just assumed one is hetrosexual and so for one who is hetrosexual you just wouldnt have to think about it, on the other hand have you ever noticed that the only time a hetrosexual person does weigh up disclosure of their r’ship, is when they are dating someone considerably younger/older or of another religion or race, so from that we can kindve get an understanding of what the dynamics are of societies view of disclosure to a degree.



Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
December 13, 2008, 11:15

Personally I’m struck by just how different sexuality is from a minority like race and the discrimination that goes with it. Unlike race your sexuaity isn’t obvious, you don’t have a big sign on your forehead saying “queer” for the world to see. We can avoid situations like Michelle’s and not come out if its unnecessary or uncomfortable. I tend to work alot of different jobs with different people (but for the same company) and generally I don’t come out because my sexuality has no influence on my capacity to do my job well, its completly irrelevant within the sphere of work and I treat it as such.


While a heteronormative environment is a breeding ground for structural injustices like tax benifits I don’t think the gay challenge to it works as neatly on a personal level. With say seven percent of the population gay (and 7 is extreemly generous) that means about 4.5 are men and 2.5 are women. If only 2.5% of the female population is lesbian, you need to drop off at least a percent for all those people who are not out, are not aware they are lesbian or identify as bisexual but have a female partner. So 1.5% of the population is openly gay and like I said thats generous. Its not idiotic for people to assume the other 98.5% of women are heterosexual and not idiotic to make comments based on overwealming odd’s like these. Really there just isn’t enough lesbians to warrent a “Oh maybe I should’t say that because she might be a lesbian” thought in peoples heads.


This is totally different if you have come out and she still says stuff like that but being ignorant of the fact that you are a lesbian and assuming you are heterosexual because almost all the population is doesn’t strike me as something anyone needs to get upset over. I’m not suggesting that it works on a structural level in a utalitarian framework, it doesnt, its discrimination but on a personal level when interacting dirrectly with other people in social situations there is no harm and no discrimination in assuming heterosexuality.



Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
December 13, 2008, 15:53

I don’t think I said it was idiotic, nor am I upset by it. I just thought it worth mentioning that most heterosexual people would never have to weigh up whether or not they should mention their sexuality, or ‘come out’ at work or anywhere else. 🙂


eidting to add: I recall seeing a video somewhere of a science professor talking about homosexuality. In his talk, he said his mother often asks him why he feels the need to flaunt his sexuality, and he asked her why she thought he was flaunting it.


“Don’t you realize that you flaunt your heterosexuality every day? I mean, you wear a wedding ring on your hand, that is flaunting the fact that you’re married, and in this society, that means you’re probably married to a member of the opposite sex. Every time you mention that you have a son, you’re flaunting the fact you were sexually intimate at least once, with a member of the opposite sex. Every time you mention your husband, you’re flaunting it.”


I just think that most heterosexual people don’t understand (and why would they?) that the things they take for granted in being able to openly state their relationships etc cost the GLBTIQ community so much more thought, anxiety, and caution. Again, not upset, just sayin’…



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
December 13, 2008, 16:13

Did someone think you were upset Magz? 😯



Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
December 13, 2008, 21:25

I’m not upset. I’m just sayin’… 😆 😉



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
December 13, 2008, 22:30

Omg 🙄 😆



Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
December 13, 2008, 23:16

😆 😆


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