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I'm on the other side of the fence

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cow shoes
 
Joined in 2007
April 12, 2008, 17:08

Hi John, thankyou so much for sharing about your journey as a son. I guess I’m on the other side of the fence in that I’m a parent who has had to come out to my adult children. It has been the most difficult and painful part of the process. Friends by and large have been wonderful and supportive, though church friends have mostly disappeared. My children are still trying to come to terms with the change and as I try to put myself in their shoes I think one the biggest things like your parents is the death of expectation. I suppose my children expected me to grow old with their father and I sense that they feel the mother they thought they knew has died and abandoned them. This of course saddens me greatly and it is difficult to come to terms with. I know its also been double whammy for them in that I am no longer with their Dad and they have had to get used to me being with a new partner who happens to be a woman. One of my children in particular who attends a pentecostal church is particularly hostile to my partner and refuses to meet her or talk to me about the issues that currently have estranged us. I can only hope that in time things will be resolved and we can come to a place of honest communication and acceptance.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 12, 2008, 18:48

Time time time……it all takes time cowshoes……it took me 22 years to be honest with myself enough to say……I will never be truly heterosexual…..then 6 years of not even thinking about spiritual things as it was too painful……..years to write a book……years to come to personal resolution……one day your daughter will realise how un Jesus like her attitude and behaviour is…..and she’ll say sorry Mum….please forgive me…….and you will……you’ve been waiting and longing for that day.


in the meantime…..you have us to tell you how wonderful you are and we are glad you found love and had the courage to be honest with yourself and those around you.


love



Paul
 
Joined in 2007
April 12, 2008, 19:18

I can empathise, the reactions my children had ranged from happiness to overwealming sadness and distrust. I think alot of it does have to do with the image our kids have of us. To small kids we are like God, faultless and all knowing and as they grow up not all of that illusion wears off.


I remember appealing to my daughter for a little understanding when I came out. She looked me right in the eye and said “do you really think it is so unreasonable for a child to expect their parents to honour their marriage vows?” it took me back a bit. Understanding is a two way street and I am sure given time your son or daughter will come around, at least a bad reaction shows they care and love us, indifference is worse. We spend years coming to terms with our sexuality its unfair to expect others to accept it more easily or straight away. Hang in there.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 13, 2008, 02:40

Different kids deal with it differently don’t they Paul. Of course the response to your daughter is more emotional than rational. ‘What would you want Daddy to do darling, stay married to your Mum as a gay man and make her life an mine miserable for the sake of some promises made with limited understanding of myself. Had I known at 23 that my homosexuality would never go away i would never have married and put my wife and kids through what they went through.


We have thought long and hard about these things…….if only they knew of the agony we went through in order to finally be honest. The life of secrecy and trying desperately to change was hell…..and nearly drove us to suicide. And of course in the meantime the heterosexual partner is often having a second rate marriage……but the children dont really know about that……..Probably they will never know.



Desperate4Truth
 
Joined in 2008
April 13, 2008, 03:26

We have thought long and hard about these things…….if only they knew of the agony we went through in order to finally be honest. The life of secrecy and trying desperately to change was hell…..and nearly drove us to suicide.


I have often told my parents if they could have just lived 5 minutes inside my brain they would have felt all the pain and turmoil I went through living a lie. My family just doesnt understand, and they view homosexuality as a truly evil thing. So the thought of their son actually being gay is devastating for them. Like its been said, time is the only thing that I believe is going to heal thier wounds. Right now my family is thinking that Ill just “get over my sickness” Like I just woke up one morning with a cold or flu, only I woke up with a bad case of queer-itis!!!LOL!! 😆

My hope is that in time they will see that 1) Im not going to change, and 2) that Im the same son that they always had, Im just not living a lie anymore and putting on a big charade for everyone. Sometimes I think they would rather I do that because right now they are not trying AT ALL to come to terms with me. My family is the best at buring their heads in the sand and hoping that a problem will just pass over.



Paul
 
Joined in 2007
April 13, 2008, 09:06

Your right Anthony, her responce was emotional, but then we are all emotional at first. She is much better now. We are a bit of an unusual family 😆 my daughter and I dealing with the same thing from oppiste ends of the spectrum. It’s a miracle we are still talking. She has said she is glad I am honest now and I think theoretically she belives that but as she doesn’t approve of homosexuality it doesn’t always feel like she is happy I am honest about myself.


My eldest daughter was grinning from ear to ear when I told her, she said she had always known I was gay and was so happy I was truely going to be myself (if I didn’t know for a fact they were related I never would have belived it 😉 ). My son had to process for a while and he is still a bit too polite and formal about the whole thing but all things considered I was pretty lucky. I don’t really think my family would make a very good test case for the ‘typical’ family dealing with this for obvious reasons but John is right, time helps.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
April 13, 2008, 09:17

your are right Paul…..we all have our stuff. None of us free of things that can be triggered by others. Often we don’t realise that the reaction is not actually about the other person its about us.


i’m speaking to myself here as well.



cow shoes
 
Joined in 2007
April 13, 2008, 18:00

Thanks so much Anthony and Paul for your encouragement. It really helps to know there are other parents who have been through similar. Its interesting to find that the majority of gay people of both sexes that I have met since coming out have all been married and have children. My partner and I for instance have 7 between us. Her children are both loving and accepting of me and its been difficult that she has faced the opposite from mine. However in defense of my children she has been out much longer, so I think you guys are right about time being a healer. I wish I could get across to my children how wonderful my life feels and how good it is to be living honestly. And the other most liberating thing is that God is far bigger and more loving than I thought possible…maybe thats because I no longer believe He is a pentecostal.



magsdee
Disabled
Joined in 2006
April 13, 2008, 19:20

maybe thats because I no longer believe He is a pentecostal.


😆 😆



Desperate4Truth
 
Joined in 2008
April 14, 2008, 03:00

I agree! Thats hilarious!!!

😆 😆 😆


And the other most liberating thing is that God is far bigger and more loving than I thought possible…maybe thats because I no longer believe He is a pentecostal.


Kind of makes you think doesnt it??? 😉


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