I guess I could start my story from 1987, I have so much to tell even prior to this date and up until now but will keep it brief. I went to my first Mardi Gras in Feb 1987. It was a real eye opener but I loved it, for the first time in my young life I felt as if I could just be myself, I was just shy of 20. I had a few g/f’s but they never lasted long and after some heartbreaks ended up dating a guy in 1988 for 5mths, I didn’t sleep with him but he was kind and a good friend, he hung out with my friends and enjoyed there company and they all loved him too. Anyway I ended up breaking off with him because I fell for a girl in our group, but that fizzled out and off I went playing for a while.
Then in 1989 I met a girl that a friend of mine had boasted about “ bringing out of the Pentecostal church” who was a Christian but confused about her sexuality. We fell in love. She would witness to me a lot during our three years together but she also battled heavy guilt being with me too, she took to recreational drugs to numb her mind, she was convinced she was going to hell and that I would too, I never believed her, as far as being a catholic, I never read anywhere that lesbianism was a sin.
Her friends would call me evil, which hurt and made me angry and the confusion and fear she felt with the pressure of her friends really put a wedge between us.I couldn’t console her in any way. I actually went to her church once. The service was ok but felt people were brainwashed. Anyhow things got so bad one day, I remember saying to God (because I did believe in Him and talked to him often) that “ my g/f is only wanting to leave me to go to you, what so bad about that?” then while still just sitting there I thought “ everyone of my g/f’s friends wants to save her, but what about me, who wants to save me?” then all of a sudden I felt this strong presence in the room of love, I sat for a few minutes in it and knew it was God and said to him “ you can end our relationship in 2mths on feb 28th 1992. And he did to the day.
I was born again at christian city church brookvale april 1992 and had an amazing touch of God that day. I was water baptised a month later and baptised in the holy ghost the same day and spoke in tongues too. It was mind blowingly beautiful. I was told how evil being a lesbian was and that if I go back I will go to hell. I was also led to believe that homosexuality was the worst of all sins by some “friends” that took me on ( I don’t believe this for a moment anymore).
After a while I went to counselling and dealt with some childhood issues, it was very freeing but didn’t stop my attraction to women. Every time I felt anything, I would beat myself up and wish that my hormones would change so I would feel nothing sexually. I worked on “numbing” myself to any emotion that hinged on attraction. But in doing that I realised that it numbs other areas of your life too.
I also felt for some reason that I had to tell anyone I got close to “what” I was, who knows why I felt that way, and some people would just look at me weird, like I was something alien. I wouldn’t get a full hug either, oh no, it would be a one arm thing, like if I was shown affection by a woman I would pounce them or something lol roll .
I never felt I could really get close to anyone because they might “see” that I was a lesbian and then they would treat me like an outcast. One time I gave my testimony on national TV and I ended up losing friends because of it. Amazing isn’t it.
Anyhow 8mths after I was saved I went back on the scene for a few months, I remember actually turning my back on Jesus one night to do so ( how I hate remembering that night) I felt his presence so strongly, I know now he knew what lay ahead for me in doing so, the heartache etc….I fell in love but only had a brief encounter. Then not long after I felt a tug on my heart to go back to church (since I even stopped praying and distanced myself from God thinking he probably thought me disgusting) and a friend from church came and saw me and off I was back at church again. ( I now again realise it was God calling me back to himself not necessarily church).
My attraction for women never left me the whole time, I battled with it a lot. I tried dating guys but to no avail, I could get close to a guy emotionally but physically forget it. I was having crushes on women all over the place and feeling awful every time. I had spits and spurts over the years where I felt I was “cured” but I never really was. The thought of being with a woman always felt more comfortable than being with a man.
Then for a while it went quiet, I had a close female friend who helped take the “edge” off things but then along came “Xena” 8) on tele and that was it for me, I wanted to be rescued by this Amazon woman and taken as her partner, I envied Gabrielle immensely lol D .
To cut a long story short(again), I was diagnosed properly with MS in 1998, did a ministry course the year after for 2yrs and then in 2000 I fell in love with a girl online in a lesbian chat room. Many times I felt like a failure before God because I was still the same sexually, oh I had changed immensely in every other way, but men just didn’t do it for me. I would have a very convenient place of denial where I escaped to for a long time.
Anyhow, I moved in with the girl I met and was in a rocky relationship with her for almost 5 years. The whole time I was with her I would pray, and kept my relationship with God as best I could, it was a little distant but still ongoing. Sometimes I would feel uncomfortable but I was where I wanted to be and accepted the thought that maybe I may miss the rapture, but at least I wasn’t going to hell, (at least I had learnt enough to know I wasn’t hell bound for my choice). She got saved in the time I was there which members of her family were hoping for and she still prays and believes.
Its been 3yrs since I left my ex, I am back at a church now and until recently I was happy to never have another relationship ever again with anyone. I had, had enough.
So here I was thinking that maybe things had changed in me, but I was wrong, I ended up having a small crush on a girl at my new church ( a quick one) wink and realised that my orientation is very much alive.
To be honest, I don’t know what to think, I want to do what God has planned for me in every way, I love Jesus with everything in me and he is getting more and more of me everyday, if he wanted me to give up being with a woman I would, but I would be very unhappy and my attraction to women would not go away. I have read a few commentaries about certain scriptures that has been very helpful, I realise how much has been misinterpreted or brushed over. I guess in many instances out of ignorance or just fear.
I guess I am waiting to sense that inward witness I have come to know, that would re-assure me that my orientation is right. I am sure that by now if I was going to be “straight” I would’ve been. I had a few years intense counselling whilst I was with my last g/f and it was really good.
Having found this website, I have encountered a freedom to speak up like I haven’t experienced before, here I am slowly opening up to people who love Jesus and the presence of God and yet are feeling like me. I often used to wonder and apologised to Jesus quite often, about the fact of how we as the church may have missed it in a big way regarding what His grace actually means and what his love actually involves.
I believe everything the bible says, I love the word of God and love his holy spirit and fully embrace Jesus as lord, but I also know we need to make sure that those teaching us understand what they are teaching us and discern whether they are hearing from the Holy Spirit or their own heads. ( I don’t mean this disrespectfully). I believe God loves me as I am, whether that be lesbian or not, I also feel that before God, there is no ’headings” of names to be called, I guess as Paul says “ there is neither slave nor free” we are all the same before God.
I feel that I could still live a life of integrity before God being with a woman. The one thing that did bother me in my previous relationship at times was the fact my partner and I couldn’t really talk about Jesus or the scriptures as much as I so wanted to. We were in a different place in the Lord and understandably so, I had been saved for longer than she had been.
Well the journey is still new for me in many ways, the conflicts are still there. I just want to be accepted as I am, here and now whilst I am growing. I don’t quite understand what it is I am feeling but I know this much at least, that God loves me where I am right here, right now unconditionally. He said he does, he said he would never leave me nor forsake me, and I take him at his word. It will be interesting to see where I will be in a months time. )
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