my relationship

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Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
November 1, 2009, 01:04

I thought I sent you info about this duronimo….but may be it wasn’t time to recieve it. For those reading this and want more information…… can read more on this link.

Possibly our christian background contributes to this behaviour or we are able to hide our dysfunctions behind christian terminology and beliefs….thus justifying when people treat us disrectfully.

I know that for me though it was more about the need to be validated as a good person……because subconsciousnessly….. I didn’t believe it. So it was a self esteem issue.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
November 11, 2009, 20:28

Hi Duronimo

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time. I hate to see you suffering, knowing from my own experience the grief of a break up similar to yours.

It’s easy to mistake compassion with martyrdom, especially if our self esteems are low. After nursing and counselling for many years, I’ve found that caring people often do have self esteem issues, and we choose situations or careers that require caring because we actually need the care ourselves. We are not conscious of this motivation of course; we just want to help others, but in the process we find that we need the help ourselves. Unfortunately the situations we choose are often not reciprocal and so the cycle continues until we decide to recognise our own needs and move out of the destructive pattern. In my experience it’s necessary to actively seek caring from healthy sources and to start applying as much self nurturing as you can. Do the things that usually make you happy and find new ways of experiencing pleasure, healing and soothing. Keep busy and go out to meet new people. This won’t take away the pain and loss but will make it a tiny bit more bearable and distract you from being tempted to go back to the old relationship that isn’t serving you.

AVB, you’ve explained things brilliantly. Thank you for sharing your eperiences here too.

I think that sometimes as Christians, especially in the past, we’ve heard the first part of the commandment “Love others” and over-emphasised an outward focus while denying the self. The problem with this interpretation is that our needs don’t go away; they just expand and are expressed unconsciously in a dependent way. In fact we need to apply the second part of the commandment, “as you love yourself”, in order to properly love others. It is not selfish but vital for survival and growth. Fulfilling our own needs allows us to be more whole, freeing us of co- dependency with others. As we take on responsibility for this, our needs become less, no longer getting in the way of our relationships, while creating a space for new, healthier connections. We are then in a better position for more mutual relationships, attracting others who will love and respect us, just as we love and respect ourselves.

Here’s something I’ve found useful for myself: Try treating yourself as a special guest in your own home/life, creating meaningful rituals. (i.e. cook a special meal for yourself and use your best plates and table settings. Imagine that it’s Jesus coming for dinner). It will be hard to apply at first but after a while of consistently doing these types of things, a message starts to sink in about being worthy. Your body, by going through the motions, communicates to your deeper self, that you are in fact a very special person.

I hope this helps. There are no magic answers. Pain is still pain but know that we are here for you.

Ann Maree

Joined in 2009
November 26, 2009, 10:06

ok guys i am back here after a bitter breakup. I have to say this tho to clarify my situation.

As difficult as it has been after 12 years living with my partner I have come to the clear conclusion that i was also living with Narsacist! That is what has caused me all the confusion and pain. I just could not understand the behaviour and sudden change towards me. He hasnt not contaced me at all since he left. Well he did send me a message on MSN to say that when he has sorted himself out I will be the first to know. I have taken that privelage away from him by blocking him on MSN and changing my mobile number. It has to be on my terms. This ia a bit heavy.

I am doing well. Completely lost and no where to live. I will get sorted. Was offered a job in Thailand yesterday.

I want to know something.

Is narsacism common in the gay community? I have come across another guy recently who shares my name, and his parents are pentecostal pastors. he is in the same prediciment with his partner and has no power to get out.

Gosh life can be so complicated.

I still love my friend and I miss him terribly but have to realize that he will never ever change. His life is a lie which is sad. But then my daughter tells me that i am no different as I havent come out. Im out believe me and everyone knows it. Perhaps I have to have a celebration party????

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