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My story from shame to freedom.

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sman
 
Joined in 2009
July 28, 2009, 02:16

My story is one that’s still in the process but I wanna share where Ive been and how I got to where I am.


I am 30 years old married with 3 kids. I live with same sex attraction and I am not ashamed to say that I fell in love with my wife even with the attraction to men. I was always not like everyone else, I grew up in a home where we didn’t go to church until I was 12. I had a very abusive mother who wouldn’t hold back on saying whatever she liked. At the age of 12 we started going to church an I loved being in church and the love people showed. About this time I was hitting puberty and I was exploring my sexuality and who I am. I was a singer in a Choir and that is where some boys took advantage of this quiet shy and lonely boy. Already at school I was treated badly constantly told I was Gay and only F..s sing. I was a great singer, always getting jobs singing with famous singers if they needed kids. I had success on one hand and was teased and humiliated on the other. I had so many girl friends, more than guys and it was hard at school because I liked guys but I wanted to not be teased so I dated all girls. Its where I met my wife, she was the same age as me and we both became the best of friends. I would date her most of my teenage years but on the other hand I liked guys. The problem I faced was at church we were told how homosexuality was a sin and you could not live a life like this because it would always be wrong. We had petitions against homosexuality being shown on TV going on a lot and so my life was so hard to live. I was talented and the church used my voice, I became a worship leader at the age of 15 and so the guys even in the church used to tease me too. I liked guys and wanted to have guy friends but I always wanted more with them.


Being a worship leader in a pentecostal church at such a young age was a big deal. A lot of women in the church would always say how God touched them when I sung I was held up as a gift from God. Anytime a preacher came to our church they would Prophesy how I was going to reach 1000’s for God. I began to hate my same sex attraction more and more. I felt dirty all the time because I was doing something God called a sin and it would destroy my life. I also wanted to be what everyone else wanted me to be. A person who reach 1000’s for God and I couldn’t do that if I was attracted to guys. So it went on like this till I was 18 and at 18 I began to think more about men and how I wished that it was OK just to live as a Gay man and reach 1000’s for God.


At 19 I had my first sexual encounter with a man. It didn’t go well and I ended feeling worse than I ever was. I decided to try it again and it didn’t go well again. I began to sleep around a lot, at the same time serving in so many areas of the church by this point. I felt more and more like I was letting God down and letting my church down also. It got so bad because I started becoming violent at home, I hated myself more and more as the days went on. All I wanted was someone to understand so it came to a point where I went to share with my Pastor. He wasn’t angry, it was weird but he didn’t say I was dirty or bad he said we all go through our problems but what you need to do is to be safe and stop the sleeping around. That was hard because I began to do this a lot and I was addicted.


My pastor went away for a few weeks and in this time my Girlfriend at the time (My wife now) and I became more and more intimate too. It got so bad that at one point we were naked on the floor and she pulled away from me and told me she didn’t want to do this. To me this meant she wasn’t attracted to me. I was shattered, but she wanted to be pure when she got married. At that point I hit rock bottom, I was attracted to men on one hand, attracted to my girlfriend on the other and I felt very dirty.

I was lost and within a few weeks I brought a ring and proposed to my girlfriend. I know, some of you are probably going: “Yep, trying to be straight when he is so gay!” but at the time I wanted to do the right thing. I loved my girlfriend and I loved God and the right thing to do is to marry her that way I’m living what God intended.


So here I am, I’m engaged to a girl who I love but I’m attracted to men, I am at this time of my life serving in church, I’m singing with Youth Alive events and my life is becoming what all good Christians should do which is to marry have a family and turn away from my whole homosexuality.


My pastor came back from overseas and found out I am engaged to my girlfriend. He wasn’t happy. Not happy because before he left I told him I was into guys. He began to take time helping me control my urges. Try and stop sleeping around with guys. It worked for a while but it wasn’t a lasting thing because the urge was greater. About this time a guys came to our church, lets call him Bill. He was a good looking guys and was a musician. I was a good looking guy into music and I ruled the church when it came to music and singing. We got to know each other well, we started a friendship which was good. I hadn’t had many guy friends because a lot of guys saw me as the chosen one in church so the felt guilty being around me. But this guy wasn’t fazed. We hung out a lot, and to be honest I was attracted to this guy but I was holding it all back.


We began to tell each other things that we wouldn’t tell anyone else. I told him I “had” been attracted to guys and slept with them. He shared how he had been abused by a guy in the church and he was confused. It wasn’t obvious to me but it was to other people that something wasn’t right in this relationship. I was falling for him and he didn’t see it but I was falling big time. Remember, engaged, serving in church, sleeping around with guys and now falling for one. He said I want you to call me anytime you have the urge to go be with a guy. I want to help you through this.

Hard thing is when I wanted to be with a guy I would call him and fall more for this guy. It came to a point where my fiance and I rented a place so when we got married we’d have a place to move into. I then decided to move in it was only 6 months till I get married. Bill, moved in to. And that’s when it all went wrong, I started acting more like he was my boyfriend. Would call him to ask when he’s coming home, what he’s doing and I would say I love you by this point. I was very messed up.


It came to a point where I wrote a note to God that really was a note saying I wanted to be with Bill. Placed it in full view of him to see what happend. I came home and the house was a mess, bill had moved out and left to Adelaide. He left a note telling me how evil I was and how he would never have been with me and how I messed up his life. It was then where my life came apart. I fell into a massive depression, tried to harm myself and my pastor turned up on my door. My pastor told me over and over your getting too close to this guy its not right. Are you sure this friendship is right. I was always saying to anyone we’re best friends. But now it all came out, my pastor, my family all found out. When I told my parents they weren’t shocked. They understood and told me they loved me for who I am not for who I am attracted to. I have never felt so loved by my parents ever. My mother shared how she doesn’t care what I was or who I was with that all she wanted was for me to be happy.


However now was the time to tell my fiance the truth. I’d told her at one point I was attracted to men but never told her I had been with one. But now it was time to be honest, I told her that I could not marry her and that I had fallen in love with Bill and it all went horribly wrong. She was shattered, obviously she couldn’t speak to me anymore because I had broken her trust so badly. I then spent the next year in counselling, it was where I began to understand that I was Bi Sexual and that there is people in this world attracted to 2 different sexes. I stopped sleeping around and began to feel like I was on top of it all. I stopped counseling and I began my relationship again with my Girlfriend just as mates. I have always loved her and will always and so nothing could break it up.


I got engaged again at December I was 20. We were gonna marry in April. I felt like my life was free and nothing could stop me. One month before we were to be married I started to feel like I needed to act on the urge to be with guys again. I tried stopping it and I couldn’t control it. I began using Gay Beats a lot. To either masturbate or just watch people doing things. I stopped myself a week or so before the marriage and I felt in control again. We married and had a great sexual relationship and all seemed to go as it should. I would tell myself everything is OK I’m Bisexual and that’s fine. But through all this something wasn’t right.


We had our first child about 1 1/2 year into our marriage. I had a few times been with some guys and I thought no one would know. My pastor had left our church and a new guy came in. He wasn’t the same as the old one where he wouldn’t judge. This guy would judge anyone. I found myself again being the golden child of the church, every Alta call was me singing, every youth event was me leading and I was doing more christian events than before. And one day I told my wife I was doing the same stuff with guys again and she couldn’t take it. I ran into the city and spent 2 days in a gay sauna as they never told you to leave and I could then do what I liked. I finally came home and my wife wasn’t there. The Pastor turned up and he thought I’d been having an affair with a woman and he cried and said how he would help me. I told him I’m not having an affair I am bisexual and been with men. His face changed, he began to get very mad and yell. I had never seen someone get so mad over something like this.


My wife spent the next 2 weeks at their house and I was to have counselling with the Pastor. It was just me going there an being yelled at or him saying how bad it was what I was doing. I knew it wasn’t right to do these things to my wife but something couldn’t stop me. We left the church eventually because this pastor was causing me too much hurt with his words. We ended up at a church where he decided to tell that pastor straight out that I was Gay and to watch me. I was feeling so low. I wasn’t aloud to sing in church, be part of anything anymore and I felt like God didn’t want me to do the things I thought he wanted from me.


My wife and I separated after 2 years at this church I was a Worship Pastor by this stage and my life fell apart. I couldn’t control myself and couldn’t come to terms with who I was and what I did. I was separated after we had our second child and I was very alone. I felt like it was forever so I tried to live a life like a Gay man but in secret. It didn’t work, I didn’t know where to look for good guys, the only guys I knew were about sex. I then thought maybe I should work on my marriage not my homosexuality. And from there I began to see I had been living for myself all these years. I wanted to be in a marriage with this woman I loved but I wanted to please myself when ever I could. We then started counseling and our life was back together. Life went on where I didn’t meet guys but slowly I would have these highs needing men again. It wasn’t till the start of last year I was diagnosed with depression. Everything fell apart, and I began to go less and less to church.


I had been very involved in church, Recording on christian CDs and thinking I was doing so well. I could never control myself and so I would every so often now meet up with a guy. When diagnosed with depression I lost my job, I began to fall apart. Too many years of lies and cheating were taking its toll and I began to lose everything. And then February this year I was diagnosed with Bipolar. The sleeping around last year began time of me sleeping and having unprotected sex. I was living a very dangerous life. My sex life with my wife was zero and I was falling apart.


When diagnosed with Bipolar it became real to me why I couldn’t control myself. I was on a high for those times thinking nothing could stop me and I would fall down to depression after and would just think it was because I was doing something that was wrong. So from Feb till now I have started a road to recovery. I have become more open about my sexuality than I ever have and its brought my wife and I closer more. More than ever before I know who I am and that my attraction doesn’t define who I am but it is a part of me I wont let go of though.


Many would find it hard to understand how a Gay man could live in a marriage but I don’t define myself by my sexuality. I believe you fall in love with who you fall in love with. Whether its a guy or a girl you cant stop it. I love so much my wife and wouldn’t trade her for anything. I then began to speak out about Homosexuality and the church. I searched for answers. For during my time I have met many guys who are part of churches. They didn’t know I was thinking I was just some other guy to hook up with like I would do too. And I began to see so many men and women stuck in churches alone and in need to feel accepted.


I found Anthony’s story on YouTube by chance. It amazed me because I knew of him as a child and he was in the same church movement I was in. Ive changed churches again after being very damaged by another church Pastor. I have a heart to speak out about this. There are so many of us trapped, sure my case is different but my Bipolar I believe came from years of being told how bad I was by Christians.


If your a guy or girl in church and have same sex attraction your not alone. This site is amazing, its opened my eyes, the amount of stories Ive read of people in real hurting lives who were feeling ostracized by their church or to feel guilty for the feelings they have. I thank anyone who shares on this site and for the people who make up with site.


So about 4 weeks ago I wrote about my views on Face book and came out about myself to everyone. I no longer wish to hide it and I don’t want to stop saying it because someone might hear it and feel they are not alone. I’m on a journey and so is the church, we have advanced ahead with views the church is yet to catch up to. There will be a day and many churches are making the choice to challenge their views.


If your lonely and cant understand yourself there is some amazing people on this site willing to help. Many who are living now free from the guilt and shame and out and proud. Be brave and share. shoot and email to Anthony like I did it might free you.



sman
 
Joined in 2009
July 28, 2009, 15:52

My story that I have written is very condenced. I would have liked to go into a lot more detail but here is not the place. One day I will write out the whole story.


I know now I love who I am and no one will change that. There is hope living married to a women and being attracted to the same sex. We can get caught up in trying to make people live as a Gay man or woman or as a straight person. Sometimes its not the best thing for everyone.


As I wrote you cant stop who you fall in love with. That sometimes we restrict who we love by the sex they are. And if your in love with someone truely there shouldnt be problems trying to have sex because your not attracted sexually to the person. If thats the case you may find the marriage wont work.


Anyways hope this brings hope to others.



waynejc
 
Joined in 2007
July 29, 2009, 01:51

Hi Shane

Thanks for telling your story here. I’ve just finished reading Jeremy Marks’s book Exchanging the Truth of God for a Lie. He is the leader of Courage, which was once an ex-gay ministry in the UK. Courage now affirms GLBT people, and helps them live lives of discipleship. He himself is gay, but still in a loving relationship with his wife of 18 years. It seems it is possible for some of us to be gay and married… but there are some days I wonder if it’s worth it 😕



gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
July 29, 2009, 03:07

Hey Shane. Just wanted to welcome you and say thank you so much for you sharing your story. You’ve been down a rough road, but you are still here. I’m so pleased to hear that you are coming to a place of freedom in your life. That’s great. As for your decision to stay married to your wife, I must say I support that 100% if that is the decision you have made. Mixed-orientation marriage is such a complicated issue that whenever I try to explain myself I always feel like I have to expand and double back and make sure I didn’t say anything that could be taken the wrong way, so instead of doing that, I’ll simply say I support you no matter what decision you make, so long as you have done it with the greatest amount of care and wisdom possible. And just so you know, I know of a couple involved in the New Directions ministry that is a gay man married to a lesbian. Apparently, they are okay with it, so don’t feel like you’re the strange one of the bunch.


I’m 17 and I really appreciate stories like these, because they show me how gracious God was by providing me with information and people like Anthony Venn-Brown so early in my life. I go through struggles of my own, but nowhere near the caliber of the trials you and others faced because I learned early in life that God loves me as I am and that he allows me to live a life of freedom. I know that when the time comes and I’m on my own, I’ll be able to avoid many of the problems that the previous generation of gay Christians went through. I thank God for sparing me from that and for showing grace both to me and to the next generation of gay Christians by allowing us to learn the lessons of those who went before. 🙂 As for you, you are just 30. You have so much life ahead of you. Jesus started his ministry at 30 – nothing is stopping you if you feel this is the right season of your life to start getting back into doing the Lord’s work. I have no idea what God has in store for you, but believe Him when he says that you can do all things, even after what you have gone through. God has allowed you to pass through these trials, and you have a strong voice and heart because of it. I have no doubt that God will ask you to use those things as part of your service to Him. 🙂 Much love and thanks for sharing. I greatly admire your honesty and bravery!



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
July 29, 2009, 11:25

hey Shane….thanks so much for sharing your story…..it has been and still is quite a journey. I look forward to meeting you soon face to face.


Its interesting that the majority of emails I receive from readers or my autobiography begin with the words……your story is my story. For most of us it follows a similar pattern….with a few details changed.


those of us who have found peace and resolution are the blessed ones.



sman
 
Joined in 2009
July 29, 2009, 12:12

Thanks all for your kind words. It wasn’t an easy thing to write even though it sounded like it came fluidly. “gettingthere” I want to encourage you that many of us wish at 17 we could have been honest and come out like you have. I will say this I still would have married my wife regardless. So many gay people don’t understand that statement as it looks like I’m still trying to be a straight man. The difference with me is my Love for her over comes even sexuality. However that’s not the right things for most people, for them you can try all you like but it doesn’t mean things will go forward. And AVB I cant wait to meet you either, I have been looking forward to meeting you as you were the first person I found in Australia that actually made sense.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
July 29, 2009, 12:38

hey sman……your choices are respected here my friend. The difference between what you are doing and what others sometimes don’t (speaking of myself here as well)……is that there is honesty and openness with your wife. Its up to both parties to do what they feel is right.


When I coach guys in this area….I often say…….we will work with what is right for right now. Some other decisions may be made in the future……but for the time being this is the right thing to do. And no one should judge you for that.



sman
 
Joined in 2009
July 29, 2009, 12:46

Thanks anthony. Means heaps what ya said.


I think your down in Melbourne to speak at Melbournes freedom 2 b(e) in August. Well Im gonna come n see ya then, will also be my first freedom 2 b(e) so Im looking forward to it.



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
July 29, 2009, 13:41

thats right…..I’m speaking at Freedom 2 b[e] on the friday night 21st and running a seminar on the Saturday 22nd of August.


details out shortly



SteveTL
 
Joined in 2007
August 3, 2009, 14:34

Hi Shane


Welcome to our Freedom2Be community. You’ve got an amazing story! As a gay married man – I can totally identify with much of what you’ve shared. I too will affirm that it’s possible for a gay person to fall in love with a woman and stay married to her. My wife is a totally amazing person and my best friend. And we both attend the monthly Freedom2Be meetings!


What holds our marriage together is openness, honesty, disclosure of fears and needs, and knowing that our relationship is a dynamic one that needs maintaining and renegotiation of expectations. I agree with Wayne – it can be hard work at times – but worth it for now.


It is all a journey – hop on-board for the ride of your life!


Ste


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