After a fair level of trepidation, I have decided to write my story, in brief. My story begins in a conservative Baptist church in the western suburbs of Adelaide. This church was well-established, strongly founded, and to me, had men and women of the utmost in character and integrity at the forefront of leadership. These people shaped my childhood years, where I was provided ample opportunity to learn, grow, and express thoughts and opinions in a safe environment. At the young age of ten, I was given the opportunity to become involved in creative ministries in a musical capacity, where I played piano, and the church’s 100 year-old (massive) pipe organ. I immediately took a rare love of this ministry, simply because it moved people to worship God, which in turn uplifted them to a better place.
As I grew into my teen years of the 1990s, I was knowingly aware of my sexuality from a young age, and the corresponding implications both in society and the Church. But sexuality didn’t interest me nearly as much as creating a life of difference and meaning, both in career and the church. My tertiary study and ministry kept most of my spare time occupied. I had the opportunity to attend Hillsong Conference 1999, and fast grew an appetite for engaging with God in the freedom that Pentecostal churches at that time offered. This was where I met my ex-wife, who was also involved in creative ministry. We dated for 5 years, and I soon became extremely aware of the where the relationship was headed. My love for my wife was genuine and penetrates deeply to this day, but this was not the case when it came to sexual attraction. Compounded with this, was my love and commitment to what I perceived of my God. My bargain with God was this – that the love and warmth of a family unit, ministry and normality of a heterosexual relationship would outweigh satisfying my natural in-grained desire of being with a man. Not only that – I was most adamant that I was strong enough to make that a lifetime commitment, stronger than most.
My married life was a very happy one for 7 years, and for the most part was satisfying. We had the opportunity to move away from home, travel, own real estate, and be together physically. The best way I can describe having a good marriage as a homosexual man, was that everything was exceptionally satisfying except for my physical desire. However two factors I never counted on were (i) the central role that physical desire plays in our humanity and (ii) the emotional connection that comes in combination with physical desire often outweighs any other bond. After 7 years, my wife developed a strong attraction for another man and expressed her desire to separate. She had also reneged on our joint commitment to ministry and desire to have children. Having grown tired of some continuing marital problems I felt it was the right time to separate, the reasons for which were quite distinct from my sexuality. My sexuality, however, was the reason I deflected her attempts to reconcile several months later.
Since this time, I have had the opportunity to come out, and experience my new life. The best way I can describe life before vs after, is that now I feel like I am not living anaesthetised. None of what has happened changed (i) my long-standing love for my God, (ii) my desire to move people to worship Him, or (iii) my integrity and moral code. I have spent a great deal of time researching the six biblical passages on homosexuality and have a strong view in relation to those. I have also spent a great deal of time researching legal reform in Australia and in other jurisdictions. At the end of the day, my views are unimportant, and I repeatedly come to the same conclusion – that I cannot reconcile how any one person or body can deny my inheritance in God, or to equality in society, given the state of my heart has not changed since as long as I can remember. Nor can I understand why the person I was 3 years ago is anymore justified or righteous in the eyes of the law or my God. I vehemently defy any such view, and I believe this type of judgment embodies what typically detracts many from the Christian church.
It is said that the highest suicide rates are amongst gay men, and within that statistic most of these fatalities are amongst Christian men. This of course does not include the high rates of anxiety and depression amongst the GLBTI community, and the torment they suffer in coming out to friends and family. The great tragedy in my eyes is that so many see our God as the problem, when He is the answer. We need to separate people’s attitude and paradigms from the wonder of our God. He isn’t the one putting up the walls of judgment. He is the one who will help us smash through them. He is the pioneer and has already gone before. He is there waiting on the other side, taking our hand and pulling us through those dark and difficult times. God loves us in so many ways, taking hold of us just as we are, and not as we should be. How could we not fall in love with that?
While our stories are continually and uniquely evolving, this is mine for now. It’s a story from a heart that continually sings God’s praises, and from a soul that dances upon injustice. I am fortunate enough to have the best of family and friends around in support of my decisions. It’s my prayer that those going through the same situation will find that same support, and peace in their heart.
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