Hi sarab

You said:

I just find it difficult to differentiate between surrendering to God and repressing or suppressing my true feelings. I guess what I mean by that is that it seems like saying to God that if I give my feelings to him, it might well equate with denial or giving up any hope of partenring.

In some ways – I could just go back into my own life of denial, separating myself from the world of connection and relationship. After all, I have proved I am very efficient at this. But there is a huge part of me that says -“No!” – if you want your life to be different – you need to give room to your real feelings. Part of me says – surely I need to give myself a chance to find love, intimacy and connection.

Interesting dilemma. You absolutely do need to give yourself a chance to find love, intimacy and connection. And yes, you do need to give room for your feelings. At the same time, I don’t think that surrendering to God or the universe is mutually exclusive here. I think there is the space for both. In fact, I believe that when you surrender to God in the sense of committing to staying open to opportunities while being true to yourself, I think you are also surrendering to your heart’s desire. And the bible talks about God wanting us to have our heart’s desire while telling us that we have been given abundant life. And in my opinion, I think that closing ourselves off from opportunities would be the opposite of living abundantly.

Not that long ago, I proved the above idea to myself. I found myself in an unsatisfactory dating situation. Part of me realised the other couldn’t reciprocate in the way I needed and deserved. So I focused in on the essence of what I needed, paying close attention to the words I used and how they resonated with me, adjusting them to make sure the fit was right. I engaged my heart in the process and felt emotional as I declared outloud what I needed. Doing that felt like a defining moment. It was scary, like standing on the edge of a cliff. I was putting it out there and not compromising on what I needed and it felt like I was making a powerful commitment to myself. The outcome was that my gut feeling was confirmed in that the person I was with wasn’t able to deliver. However, I felt a big shift within and very soon I met my current love who is fabulous.

I think the word , ‘surrender’ can have a negative connotation which then makes us fearful and closed off. In reality however, I think it’s means that we have an opportunity to work out what we really want, to be absolutely clear about that and then be open to that in our lives. From experience, if there are any inner conflicts about what’s needed or wanted, we stop the universe from delivering the heart’s desire. So working through the conflicts is important for achieving a healthy outcome.

All the best,

Ann Maree

Thanks Mother Hen, Ann Maree and Ammi,

I can kind of relate to what Ann Maree has said about “standing on the edge of the cliff”… – declaring what I need and it feeling like a defining moment. That is exactly what this whole process of coming out to myself has been like. For years I have put aside, pushed under any thought or idea of partnering or intimacy. My best friend reminded me the other day that for years I have dallied around the edges of inferring same sex attraction. We were discussing that when I was in my 20s I would write things in my journal about thinking i was gay and then i would rip the pages out and tear them into little pieces so that no one would find them. This has been a looooong process!

Wrapped up in all this denial has been a view that I am “taking up my cross” denying myself for Jesus. I have felt that maybe God wants me to be single. In fact I have prayed many times for other friends – “please let XX find a partner – Lord if it’s a choice between me finding a partner and XX finding a partner – pick XX as I can handle being alone better than she can”. This has been my pattern for absolute years.

And now – I stand on that cliff Ann Maree – I too am declaring what i want and it feels incredibly scary – and it feels rebellious.

Interesting that Mother Hen has suggested that God has given me these feelings – wow – I hadn’t considered that!

I guess I take comfort in the fact that the Lord knows me, he fore knew me, he has a plan for me – and he knows my intent. My intent is not about rejecting him – it’s actually to serve Him the best I can… and yet – at the moment i need to figure out if serving Him means denying myself and my desires. I can’t imagine though why all this would come to the fore now – if I am to push it all under again so quickly.

Sorry – i think i sound a bit all over the shop here. :~

Thanks also Ammi for your prayers and encouragement – yes – perhaps this desire for intimacy is innate – so hard to fight against this.

Sarab. 🙂

Hi sarab

Well done and thanks for sharing this. 🙂

I particularly liked what you said in the following paragraph:

I have also been quite challenged and encouraged by what he has to say about integrity. Too much to say here – but my take home message was that I could continue to compartmentalize – church and faith here, sexuality over there – or I could pray for and work towards some kind of integration between both. I think to do anything less risks my sense of integrity – and to risk integrity could end up being soul destroying.

Yes integration is linked with integrity as well as self acceptance and wholeness. It also enables us to be better people. When we work to bring the previously shunned parts of us into the light of love (both our own and God’s), we can experience acceptance. And once we accept ourselves, we can then extend that toward others. This is hugely powerful, bringing great healing, to ourselves and others.

And your thinking fits with the words of Jesus in my signature quote below. So to paraphrase, when we deny a part of ourselves, it will wreak havoc by expressing itself in damaging ways, often unconsciously. However, in contrast, when we bring it forth honestly and consciously, we breathe life into the self. We become more fully who we were made to be.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

Thank you again Mother Hen and Ann Maree for your encouragement.

Usually I am a very self contained – self assured person – managing things on my own pretty well. However, in the last few months I have to say I check into fb2 quite often – as I find the encouragement you guys give – not only to me – but to others, very affirming and keeps me just a little bit saner. Thanks.

If you happen to be praying (!!) I would appreciate it if you could pray for my transition into the church that is GLBT affirming. It’s a small church – and as a newcomer my presence is obvious. I am a little apprehensive about what to say about how I came to be at the church, why I am “visiting” etc – I know this sounds so trivial and dumb but it looms large in my mind. I don’t “lie” well – so it feels tricky to know what to say when someone will inevitably ask “how did you come to find us?”… “what brings you here?”

I have so many trepidations about finding a place that fits, about moving on from my current church. I am realistic enough to accept that just becuase the church is GLBT affirming – it doesn’t mean I will like it or that it will be the right fit. I so want it to be smooth and easy – please pray for this.

I raised with my counsellor some weeks ago as to whether I should talk to the minister of the new church about my journey and where I am at. . the counsellor said “whatever would make things easier for you… do”. Do you think this is wise? Should I “make an appointment” with the minister or just visit the church and wait and see. Sorry – in the scheme of things these really are dumb concerns – yet they trouble me a bit.

Thanks again

Sarab.

Hi Sarab, my pleasure to be able to offer you support and encouragement it’s nice to know that is it helping you.  Encourages us to keep doing our bit to help others if we can.

Sure will pray for you, going to a new church can be daunting. For me personally when going to any place new I like to tell as least as possible until I know them better. I think you have to work out what you are comfortable saying to them, just because people ask you something doesn’t mean you have to tell them. When we have checked out new churches before and people ask do we live local, etc or why are we there we  just say oh just visiting, thought we would come check you out, something like that. Some people like to ask lots of questions, I find the best way to handle them is turn it around and ask them questions. My suggestion is to only say what you are comfortable with, don’t feel pressured to answer or say anything you don’t want to answer. Fob them off, change the subject etc. Oh and these days I refused to sign any visitors book, I don’t want people to have my info unless I want to give it. If asked we just say,  no thanks, we are fine. Or only put your first name.

As far as talking to the minister, I agree you have to go with what is your style, what you feel comfortable with. You talk about being new or a visitor to a church you standmout like a sore thumb. One think to consider is that I  personal think it would make you stand out more rather than just sitting quietly up the back, and just having friendly chats with people. How would it be if you go a few times, get a feel and vibe for the place and the people and then if you could see yourself settling  in there, then have a wee chat to the minister. To then know how welcoming and accepting of you they would be. Often in chatting with people you can find out a lot of info and may get most of your questions answered.

Just my thoughts, you have to do what you feel you need to do for yourself.

God bless