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Older, mixed-up but self-accepting

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Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
December 31, 2009, 21:25

I also agree with gettingthere and long for the day when there won’t be any anxiety or issue about our attractions, sexualities or uniquenesses. They will just reveal themselves and there will be acceptance and no need to justify or label.


Cheers,


Ann Maree

Lady Jane
 
Joined in 2009
December 31, 2009, 23:08

Thank you all, guys and girls, for understanding and validating my feelings. I have been reading the posts and stories for some time before actually joining, so I know there are many lovely people here and everyone has gone -or still going through – a lot of pain in their own journey.


The first friend I confided in early last year said to me: “it’s the person, not the gender”. This was surprising, coming from someone who is in a same sex relationship, but also demonstrate openmindedness, and it did make sense to me.

However, sitting on the fence is not as comfortable as I may have made it appear. It can be very confusing. Then, separate and on top of all this – there is the age thing; no matter how young I feel inside, I felt foolish and ashamed of what I was feeling and wanting (‘Thoughts such ‘ You should know better’ and ‘ there is no fool like and old fool’ have been frequent unwelcome companions).

I had time to toss around a number of possible explanations for my ‘issue’ (as I call it):

* Was my earlier attraction to girls ‘situational’, since I went to a girls only school till the age of 16?


* In regard to the latest event, first I thought that I was experiencing a manic episode (I have no history of it, but I could ‘tick’ many possible symptoms, among them the incredible feeling of elation and vitality) but then these same symptoms are shared with the state of being in love!


*Did I just ‘flipped’ because of too many years of celibacy?


* Again, was it age-related? Did I see it as a last chance to be happy? (I know I said I wanted to grow old with her). Did I want a ‘trophy wife’, since she is probably 10 years younger than me? (however,I did not know this at the time)


*Did I just want her approval and regard, and for her to know me better and appreciate me for who I was and what I had to offer?


Some well meaning friends have tried to tell me that it’s not genetic, that it goes back to early childhood loss. It could even be possible but they are missing the point: I know how I feel, and how I have felt a number of times in my life, and I really do not care if it’s genetic or enviromental.


So as there is no real answer yet, this is why I am living with ambiguity at present.


Anyway, people, I have rambled on enough for now, and it’s less than one hour to a whole New Year full of promises and a wonderful future. Lots of love and all the best to everyone!

Sandy
 
Joined in 2007
December 31, 2009, 23:48

Hello again,


You know, I used to be obsessed with the ‘why’ of things. Why does the Bible say what it does? Why do people interprete it differently? Why do I feel the way I do about women? Why don’t I feel that way about men? Why did I fall for that particular person? Why me? I just read your post and was struck by the statement: “I know what I feel.” With so many questions at a time like this, so many uncertaintities its encouraging and reassuring to know what you feel, to know yourself.


Years ago I rang an ex-gay Christian organisation and told them my story in the hopes of…well actually without much hope, just a whole lot of desperation. I expected bible bashing, I expected stern speeches about attending reparative therapy and Jesus’ sacrafice for me. I got one simple question: Have you given yourself time to grieve? This person, this conservative, right-winged, employee of an ex-gay organisation acknowledged my love for another woman as real, he acknowledged all the losses I had suffered and through asking that question he gave me permission to grieve for a love and a life that would never be the same again. I remember this man every time I feel like smacking a conservative Christian .


What you felt for this woman was real because as you said yourself, I know how I feel. So, in turn, I’ll ask you: Have you given yourself time to grieve?

Lady Jane
 
Joined in 2009
January 1, 2010, 02:28

Hello Sandy,


I won’t go to sleep without answering you: yes, I have given (and I am still giving) myself time to grieve. I have not allowed anyone to tell me, ‘put it behind you’ or ‘ it’s been long enough now, you should be over it’. If anyone says something like this, I bite their head off (I lost one friend for this, but only one, everyone else stuck by me).

For the first six months, I was an emotional wreck; the metaphore I use to describe it was that inside me there was a bottomless well of tears.


At the same time, I continued to function work-wise (it was actually my saving grace), and I started studying too (very difficult at the beginning). I have now rebuilt my sense of worth and my self-esteem.


What I had not even admitted to myself up to now, is that my hope has not died yet. So while other stages of grieving have been completed, one has not been ( = acknowledging the finality of the loss). I am still in fantasyland there. She is still with me in my head, the real person I glimpsed behind her protective facade, and fell in love with.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 1, 2010, 10:17

Happy New Year Ladies!!


Thank you for this discussion. Relationship losses are as painful as deaths although our society is still a long way from acknowledging them as such (i.e. we don’t usually get ‘compassionate days’ from employers when a relationship breakdown occurs). And so what you have gone through, Lady Jane, is a major beareavement that will take time to grieve. I commend you for standing firm with the knowledge of who you are and your right to grieve in your own time and way. Perhaps your loss is more too because your feelings weren’t reciprocated, while touching on the earlier event when you were 11. You didn’t get the chance to develop the relationship beyond the realms of your own fantasies so in a way that is another loss in itself. Our minds are powerful in creating all kinds of things before the physical world even has a look-in. And if you have a rich inner life, investing a lot into your fantasy, then the pain of losing that is perhaps more compared to someone who processes things less.


I don’t think that actual age is an indicator of development or what we should or shouldn’t know. We learn things when we need to and relationships are tricky and part of lifelong learning. I say this because it sounds as if you were berating yourself for being older and not knowing, comparing yourself to others perhaps. As well as that, falling in love can cause anyone to feel foolish and exposed no matter what their age. I think it’s universal.


I’m glad you have supportive people around you, Lady Jane. You sound like a very strong and determined person who is moving toward greater self awareness. It’s a privilege to share in some of your journey.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 14, 2010, 20:58

Hi Lady Jane


Just wondering how you’re going?


Blessings,


Ann Maree

Lady Jane
 
Joined in 2009
January 14, 2010, 21:57

Hi Ann Maree,

Thanks for writing and for caring. I am doing reasonably well. I have ups and downs, but the downs seem to be less at the moment. This afternoon, I recalled an episode that made me a bit teary, but then it went. I still think of upcoming things such as Valentine Day and birthday, but i’ll deal with it when the time comes.


I am back at work and I am swamped, but I have been seriously reorganising it, to make it more effective and easier on myself. My uni course (grad dip in counselling) restarts in 3 weeks and I am gearing up for the final run this year (unless I want to be really masochistic and go on to Masters and higher).


Recently I had a face to face conversation with someone in a same sex relationship for an number of years, after being married and having children. It was so incredibly easy to talk to her and feel the commonality of experiences.


Next Tue 19th, I’ll be going to Sydney to the Paul Martin’s workshop on ‘working more effectively with GLBT clients’, and I am looking forward to it.

Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
January 15, 2010, 16:00

Hi Lady Jane,


I am still playing catch up with the forums after Christmas, and have only just got to these posts. *whew* I wanted to welcome you to the forums and say that I hope you’ll find the acceptance and support you need here.


Thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts so candidly with us.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
January 15, 2010, 16:22

Hi Lady Jane


Thanks for the update. So you’re completing your counselling quali? That’s exciting. I’d be interested to know how the GLBTIQ conference goes. I thought about attending but unfortunately can’t make it.


It’s nice to know you had someone to talk with recently who understood your experiences.


Those connections are so important aren’t they?


Blessings,


Ann Maree



Lady Jane
 
Joined in 2009
January 24, 2010, 23:56

Hi Sandy,


I noticed you changed your ? what do you call it? bit at the end, anyway, the part that I have copied below:


If you go hungry too long, it changes you. The habit of tension, of resistance as a daily struggle, stains the entire world. The negative virtue of endurance becomes masochistic. You measure your success not on the presence of happiness, but on the absence of temptation, the absence of desire. It is the path of resignation. The horrible thing, the hair turning white overnight thing, is this: it doesn’t work. Resignation is only a part-time coping strategy. If you are still alive, you can only ape death for so long. Your mind can convince your body, for a time, that it feels nothing, that you desire nothing. You can do without want. You can gird your life around with barriers and scarecrows, but want will stroll past your guards and gates. It will happen when you cannot plan for it, predict it, or endure it, and once you want, once you desire, your blood surges and you are alive again. When you live in the desert, you will endlessly crave water. — Susan Smith


Where did you find it? It really resonates with me, I cannot believe how it fits with my own experience. I was perfectly self-sufficient, I was at the stage that I did not even need barriers anymore, and then …so unexpectedly, ‘my blood surged’ and I felt like a whole person again.

The woman who wrote this is very perceptive, did you read the whole book, or others by her?

That’s all I’m writing at the moment, it’s nearly midnight here. Are you in Australia too, or somewhere else?

Talk to you soon.
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