question regarding the wider gay community

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Joined in 2013
February 18, 2014, 01:01

there is something ive noticed about the wider gay community, its that they use sex as a commodity. I was wondering why the wider gay community does this, and is it a way to feel connected without actually having to find a way to commit to someone?.

Joined in 2005
February 18, 2014, 11:57


Interesting Question. I have two answers for you.

Firstly I would like to note that I think that by the "wider" gay community I think perhaps its worth putting things in perspective here.

Whilst there is a very visible "inner city" gay culture – thats flamboyant and often uses Sex as a commodity – there is also a significant urbanised Gay community that doesnt. Gay men, not part of the "Scene" who are monogamous ( or some who are celibate). By their nature – this community is much less visible than the scene – but its surprisingly large.

On the same note – the "friends with benefits" thing is not uncommon in the heterosexual world these days and in fact there are sub communities in the heterosexual world that treat sex in exactly the same way. This is not unique to the gay community. There has always been casual heterosexual sex and Ive worked with some heterosexual men and woman with remarkably cavalier attitudes to sex.

However – that does touch on to the point of whether the person is like that because they are well adjusted or because of other deeper issues.

I would recommend reading the Velvet rage as a starting point on why many Gay men act the way they do


From the book description :-

Whether he is flamboyantly fashionable with a body chiseled to perfection or chronically dissatisfied and without lasting relationships, the stereotypical extremes of male gay behavior are fueled by the same dark force: shame.

I think the book starts to answer the question you ask….

Joined in 2013
February 18, 2014, 21:08

Its a hard question I've thought of myself, although Shadowboxer is correct in saying that its very much a visible proportion of the community rather than representative of the whole.

Makes me wonder though if the lack of legal gay marriage in a society can make it seem more obvious. People attach a lot of significance to sex in the context of marriage even though many people do not mind sex outside of marriage. If marriage is not an option for homosexual couples, then different contexts are found for the same sex drive. I don't know if anyone's brought up the possibility, but its just my 2c.

Joined in 2005
February 18, 2014, 22:53

The problems are with quantifying all of this.

When I started working – having grown up in a church environment that was in hindsight extremely sheltered and quite unrealistic – I was quite shocked to see married people having affairs. Colleagues having one night stands.

and whilst I sorta expected single men to go out looking for out for women for one night stands – I was astounded that some of my female friends went out looking for guys for one night stands of mindless sex (their words)

In fact – when Ive worked overseas (and was younger) – Ive been used as a pull factor by my straight colleagues as apparently my accent was sexy (and they didnt always tell me what they were doing either)

And certainly now the now grown children of a number of my friends now do the whole friends with benefits thing – or the casual thing – and talk about it more too.

The thing is – the Heterosexual world doesnt tend to dwell on it. doesnt tend to talk about it so much (certainly not on print etc) – Maybe you just tell your best buddy you scored last night but thats it…. Because of HIV and because our sexuality is a defining thing – and because we have had to fignt for our rights – we have used it as a weapon in that fight – and so we have tended to talk about it a lot more.

Ive been with my partner 13 years – and I was standing in a queue for our photo to be taken at fair day – and I saw a number of couples whilst we were in that queue that made our relationship seem short lived.

(Have a look at this – Pics taken by Durex – the number is the number of years the couple have been in a relationship – and theres only a few of the pics they collected here )

So there are many long term committed Same sex couples out there. Far more than most people realise. In part I think because frequently couples drop off the scene. At best they often just socialise with other couples. If you see me at a "Gay event" like Mardi Gras etc – its probably because Im volunteering – not because Im partying (Now – Polly's is a different matter)

So do we commoditise sex more. Its one of the major issues that drove feminism I believe (not that Im an expert on feminism) is exactly the treatment of heterosexual sex by males as one of commoditisation.

So the question is – – practically is there a real difference in this area in behaviour ? or is it just in visibility and expectations ?

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