Shan - 19 year old country guy trying to make sense of things...

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Joined in 2010
March 23, 2010, 23:30

Hey everyone…

First of all… Wow… What a powerful site… Let me start with my story…

I have been a Christian all my life from when I was about 5… I believe that God is my saviour but have severe trouble coming to grips with why He would love me.

Im not “out” to anyone… Not sure how to go about it… Even if I should go about it…

I have known I was “different” to those around for many years… Just not attracted to girls… And living in a small country town (out Dubbo way) doesn’t help…

My struggle really started 5-6 years ago when i was in grade 9… I came to the conclusion I must be gay… I have been raised by a Christian mother whose stance was basically “Gay is wrong… Grandmother didn’t help either… Remember watching some dancing competition on TV and being told “They are wonderful, Too bad they are gay. They’ll go to hell!”

I have always believed that decent Christians aren’t gay and if they are there are programs that can help.

Which brings me back to this week. I am currently in Sydney for work and was fed up with myself again.

I was planning on killing myself for good last night.

My work entails searching popular social media websites i.e. Blogger, Twitter etc for mentions of our product. I was finishing my work, Sending it to server and about to write a goodbye email before drowning myself.. Before I could finish my email a stray result came into my inbox. Had nothing to do with my work and didn’t match any of my criteria. There is not reason it should have been there. It was a link to Ben’s Blog.

I opened it and howled my eyes out… Reading about another person in my circumstances and finding out I am not the only one… Then found a link to this page and howled even harder… Finding a group of people who believe you can be a Gay Christian. Even better seeing the evidence against “Ex-Gay” therapies and classes made me feel so much better.

Im so grateful to the Admin in this site… And Ben for that great blog… Without you guys I wouldn’t be alive… Literally.

Anyway… Im not great at this sort of thing… I have actually never done anything like this before…

I would love to network with other people through Facebook, Twitter or IM.

Thanks again everyone and God Bless!

Your Brother in Christ…


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 24, 2010, 07:25

Hi Shan

Thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story. There are many who will be encouraged by it.

I too was really encouraged by Ben when I saw him on The Hack a couple of years ago. That’s how I came to f2b.

If you haven’t already done so and feel like it, have a listen to the ABC interview with the 3 pastors.

They are 3 compassionate Christian leaders who have changed their views on homosexuality. During the interview, they take calls from some Christians who don’t share their beliefs but handle them really well. There are also good articles in the Resources section about the bible and homosexuality if you don’t mind a long read.

Anyway, I hope we hear more from you.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2009
March 24, 2010, 15:56

Hey Shan

I’m really glad you hung around to talk to us! It is great you found this site. There are cool people here who will understand your journey. I lurk mainly- but I read enough to know that there are many wise people here who have thought through the God stuff and come up with some sensible views. They will be a good support if you want to kick a few ideas around.

I spent some time in a small country town (although I was an adult at the time) and know it can be tough. Knowing when or if to come out can be tough. It isn’t necessary to come out to everyone- or anyone- and certainly not all at once! It can be good to work through the what ifs with some supportive frineds- like you will find here. If you do decide to come out to anyone, it can be good to choose someone who you know will be supportive, and who will be willing to keep your confidence. You might choose an older friend, or someone who you know is trustworthy and wise.

It might be someone who you already know is gay, or who you suspect might be. It might be a friend or supporter who has moved away from your town who you know you can trust and who has always been on your side. You might be surpised over time how many people you know who are gay but haven’t yet told you!

God already knows all about you and accepts you completely, nothing takes God by surprise. You are very important to him and to us. you have lots of time and don’t have to make any decisions about if to come out, who to come out to or when in any hurry- or ever.

Look forward to getting to know you as you hang out here! You might want to read more of ben’s story- or gettingthere’s story- they are in the telling our stories section.

There are a lot of young guys here who will understand your journey as a christian who happens to be gay. Oh- and a few old women like me!


Joined in 2009
March 24, 2010, 16:36

Shan, welcome – and more importantly, thanks! It’s stories like that which remind all those who put their time in to freedom2b as to how worthwhile it all is.

Ben’s blog has been a pretty awesome resource for people going down that path as well – I can see on our site’s statistics that we get a fair few people finding this site via his blog.

Joined in 2010
March 24, 2010, 18:18

Hi Shan,

Your story put a tear in my eye today. I too was bought up in a strong Christian family attending Church 2 to 3 times a week and young people’s on weekends.

My life revolved around the church 100+% no time for friends in “The World” as it was called so therefore extremely sheltered in my entire up bringing since the age of about 5.

I did love my time in the church and made a lot of good friends but a few years ago that all changed. After 40 odd years in the church I finally came out of the closet the weird part was I wasn’t even planning on coming out.

Once I did it was horrible as all my friends and the only people I knew were in the church and I had no one to talk to I contemplated suicide everyday and played a Pete Murray song over and over again howling every time I played it and even now it still brings a tear to my eyes the words are….

“Better Days”

And I saw it coming

I saw emptiness and tragedy

And I felt like running

So far away

But knew I had to stay

And I know when I’m older

I look back and I still feel the pain

I know I’ll be stronger and I know I’ll be fine

For the rest of my days

I’ve seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

I noticed the smallest things

But I didn’t notice the change

It was hot in the morning

Then it turned so cold, twas the end of the day

There was no condensation I just felt like I was in space

I needed my friends there I just turned around

They were gone without a trace

I’ve seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

Now I have just started

And I won’t be done till the end

There’s nothing I have lost

That was once placed upon the palm of my hands

And all of these hard times

Have faded round the bend

Now that I’m wiser I cannot wait

Till I can help my friends

I’ve seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

Seen better days

Put my face in my hands

Get down on my knees and I pray to God

Hope he sees me through till the end

Great words and the part “I needed my friends there I just turned around

They were gone without a trace”
got me every time.

I have only been out for 3 years now and trying to make new friends at my age has been so hard so I threw myself into doing what I do best putting others before me to help me stop thinking about my life and where its headed and stop asking myself why did I bother coming out so late in my life. I had met this guy who use to be a Heroin addict but at the time of meeting him I had no idea. he wasn’t Gay and I just liked him and we just clicked. Eventually he was looking for a place to live and I let him move in to my spare room and then it all began.

He was still taking drugs – hooked on crystal at this time and every fortnight when it lead up to him getting his pension he couldn’t sleep as he knew it was pay day tomorrow meaning another hit. Things just got worse and worse even to the extent of him stealing stuff from my house and selling it at Cash Converters to get money for another hit. But I never gave up on him I had been judging people all my life even people like him and not giving them a chance at all or knowing their full story eventually after a long long time he realized I wasn’t after anything and was being a true friend as the only people he had mixed with for the past 10 years of his life were drug addicts.

He got better and better as the weeks went on taking no more drugs except his medication and making contact with his family and his daughter who was now 3 years old. So I was glad to be able to help him but what I was also doing was putting my life on hold once again for nearly 2 years. Eventually I explained this to him and told him we needed to go our separate ways and that I needed to be on my own again so that I can move on to the next part of my life where and what that is I still don’t know.

We are still good mates of course and chat and catch up nearly every week but it’s only been a few weeks since all this happened and it feels like I am coming out again. I am currently seeing a Counselor and to see if it helps as I am at that stage again where I feel alone.

Then I became a fan of “Anthony Venn-Brown – A Life of Unlearning” a fabulous read and I am not a reader but loved the story and Shan I highly recommend you get a copy. Then on Anthony Venn-Brown’s facebook page I saw comments regarding freedom 2 b [e] and nearly went to their Melbourne event but decided not to in the end.

But then I sent a message to Linda and Michelle freedom 2 b [e] in Melbourne which lead me to here to this site. I think this could be what I am looking for and talking to people that know exactly how I feel and what I am going through. I haven’t been to a chapter yet but I am looking forward to finding out about them and attending one.

I read or heard recently somewhere ‘Our Scars remind us of our past but don’t need to dictate our future.”

Enough said. Mark. 🙂

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 24, 2010, 19:12

Hi Mark

Great to have you with us and hear some of your story. Can you post this in the Telling Our Stories section so more people can read it?


Ann Maree

Joined in 2008
March 24, 2010, 20:30

Hi Shan,

Welcome to freedom2b[e] and thank you so much for sharing your story. Sometimes random events occur in our lives that dramatically alter our destiny – that “stray result” was definately one of those events for you. It was a similar story for me when I randomly stumbled upon an autobiography in the gay and lesbian section of a bookshop!

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 24, 2010, 23:00

wow shan… glad you found us. …..I’m sure there are many 1000’s out there we are still to connect with.

Reading your story reminds me of something that I often say.

I believe I’ve had four major miracles in my life.

  1. I am still alive

  2. I am not bitter and resentful about what happened in my life

  3. I have no mental health issues even though I spent years in the closet and living with self hatred and suppression

  4. I still have a faith.

the encouraging thing is that you are coming to terms with all this relatively early in life…….especially since many of us didn’t till we were in our forties……but that was a different generation…….we have much more info about sexual orientation and many more people out living normal lives these days which has dispel the myths, misconceptions and stereotypes.

Coming out here is the first step……the rest you can do in your own time and when it is safe.

Hey Axiom and Markymarky……would love to hear your stories here as well in a separate thread.

Joined in 2010
March 25, 2010, 00:42

Thanks everyone… Its just nice knowing that I can share here… Never ever spoken to anyone before.

Ann Maree: Thanks for the links 🙂 Had a looksie 🙂

Mobileguy: The more I think about it I think God has a place in it… Weirder things have happened 😉

avennbrown: Thanks for the words of wisdom… While I am still not happy with myself, It is helping me come to terms with the fact that God may still care for me…

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 25, 2010, 01:25

avennbrown: Thanks for the words of wisdom… While I am still not happy with myself, It is helping me come to terms with the fact that God may still care for me…

yep… is your space to share openly and remain anonymous …..its safe here.

You are cared for a loved more than you realise… this stage. It takes a while for all the negative conditioning to be erased.

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