Hey everyone.
I am so sorry, the last few weeks have been absolutely hectic… Work work work…
Things have been going interestingly… But I am in a much happier place… Ironically, I am writing this in the exact same place in Cronulla where I started this thread 😀
I have come to the conclusion that even though I am gay, God does love me… And also that I won’t change without Him… So I have been praying that He will help me come to peace with this or to change me… Whatever He wants… Since this surrender to Him, I have been at much more peace with myself.
So many things have been happening, A colleague at work outed me… Then told me that she is bisexual…
I have been in Sydney for the last three weeks and a few interesting things have happened…
First week in Sydney I went to Powerhouse at Hillsong City and it had such an impact on me… I broke down and couldn’t manage much except tears for hours… My leader sat with me for a good 3 hours… And I came out to him which was a *deep breath in* experience… He looked me in the eye and told me that I am not gay and it is a choice… So I asked him if he chose to be straight… I didn’t expect it but he told me yes… I asked him “If it is a choice, could you wake up tomorrow and be perfectly fine to have a boyfriend?”. He quickly changed the subject.
We have since had a night in together and an intense chat about anything and everything. The thing that is the most significant to me, even though it is a little thing is that nearly all my friends from Hillsong and I hug each other, The fact that he was still fine to be that close to me feels like a form of acceptance.
I also was able to go to Hillsong Conference as a delegate. Conference just did so much for me… Every morning the opener featured an annotated version of Hebrews 10:14 “Christ made a single sacrifice for sins… A perfect sacrifice by a perfect person.. He did everything that needed to be done… for EVERYONE…” which really hit the fact home… Sounds stupid but it really did so much for me… The rest of the conference was brilliant and I got so much out of it, but that 30 seconds was the best part of every morning.
I stayed with a beautiful group of people from Queensland known to one of my cousins (one of the ones still talking to me)… I was out to one of the guys who told me in no uncertain circumstances that “This is NOT God’s plan for you!”, to which I told him that I wasn’t sure what my plan is after 8 years of praying, how would he know after speaking to me for a few weeks over instant messager? He said we would talk later, we didn’t, nuff said.
One of the other guys outed me on the fourth day of conference, We were talking to a lovely German girl who got practically disowned by her family because she was a Christian, I said how I sympathise as myself and some of my family are not talking over religious differences and this guy just gave me a funny look… At that point I knew he knew for certain. We had a bit of a chat on the last night of conference, he was so respectful and we had a good discussion. Towards the end he was silent for a bit then turned to me and asked “So, do you believe homosexuality is a sin?”.. I looked at him and said “Until a few months ago, yes… Now I am not sure but I do believe that if God wanted me to change before this point He would have changed me. If He wants me to change in the future He will help me, however, in the mean time I am going to make the most of what I am and will continue asking God to help me in whatever way He deems fit”.
We were talking about ex-gay programs… He said he didn’t believe that they were necessary for anyone to go through unless they genuinely believe that God calls for them to do them, and in general his attitude didn’t seem very positive towards them…
Also, I had an interesting revelation on Monday. I am staying with one of the managers from work, and she had the special projects manager over for a drink… After a few hours the special projects manager (whom I have known for over 5 years) looked at me and said “Got a boyfriend yet?”. I was in total shock and was about to start the usual “Im not gay!” speech… Instead I just looked at her and said “Nope”. To me that was a big moment, because for once, I didn’t deny my sexuality.
I know this has been a long post, so sorry about that 😛
It really has been an awesome few weeks 😀
Shan 🙂
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