Hi again Syph,
there is much you write that I can very much relate to. Although I have only been working through things for a comparatively short time – I also a couple of months ago wanted to rationalise everything, get my pro and anti gay arguments sorted through in my mind. I too agree that none of us come to a debate "value free" – that it can be a human tendency to see things through the lens that suits our cause or position. I too always want to remain "objective" to give both sides an even space in my mind.
If you look back at my thread you will see that I wrestled with whether or not to go to a church service where the speaker was exploring "homosexuality" – from a fairly conservative evangelical standpoint. After weighing it up I decided not to attend.
I guess the key question is – Can any so called "rational" argument or position rationalise away feelings, attractions, desires, or sexual orientation, in short can "logic" or counter positions change who we are?
While I don't as you do, have a dad who will want to engage with me in these types of debates, I do have evangelical friends who down the track I am sure will for their own sakes want to figure out what I have done with all the so called Biblical "evidence" that they will preceive me as having turned my back on..
I don't have a way to explain this at this stage other than to say that for the moment I have chosen to just sit with some ambiguity around the Biblical arguments. I am not a Biblical scholar – I have not studied the ancient texts – however it is enough at this point for me to know that there are Christians who have – and that there are a lot of Christians who argue that the Bible does not speak of the loving same sex relationships we know today.
For someone who likes logic, this may seem like a cop out – but there is much about faith, God and a spiritual life that defies logic. Mother Hen suggested to me that God gave me my sexuality! Wow! How is that for a concept! I actually believe this to be true. God does not make mistakes, doesn't "mess up" or "get things wrong". God knows us intimately – so I have decided to thank him for this journey and even dare to ask him for a partner (and a woman at that!). 🙂
I was given advice by people on this site to be with people who affirmed my position – made me feel safe – rather than "assaulted" my being. Now the old me would have thought that this was just wimping out – that I should be able to stare counter arguments in the face and deal with them logically. However, I have taken this advice on board. The journey of coming out to oneself and others I have found to be enormous, at times overwhelming and exhausting. A bit of gentleness on oneself at such times would not go astray. Granted – a bit difficult for you if you have parents who you know so clearly have opposing views -however, may I encourage you to be a bit "intellectually gentle" on yourself :).
I do continue to read the debates, the books, to give some thought about the various Christian positions on sexuality – but I am not turning myself inside out to have it all figured out. I am not ready to enter a theological debate with anyone… and if pressed… that's what I will say to friends. In fact I have said that to one friend in a letter. There will undoubtedly come a time when I will be able to chanel my inner Anthony Venn Brown (ha ha) 🙂 and engage in such debates…knowing me I will want to sort the issue out more rationally. But – at such a new raw time…. that time is not now.
Hope some of this helps.
Thanks for continuing to share your story.