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Oakley
 
Joined in 2009
August 23, 2009, 20:23

Ha i’ve thought long and hard about what to type on here for my story and even what to title it.


My story doesn’t begin like some others of always knowing they were gay, in fact i had never had any feelings of attraction to females at all or so i thought. I had people tell me they thought i was gay, but i just laughed it off. I joined the church when i was 15, now i am 31. I went to bible college and along with one or two others just stood out. I was as a youth, one of the rebellious ones, ones to not let your kids hang around.Then i met one of my friends, who helped me become the Christian i thought i should be. I got off the drugs, booze etc. I was very involved within the church (AOG) and was a head youth leader for a number of years, even when other leaders dropped off. It was decided after another leader and i had been doing the youth for a year nearly on our own, the pastor decided to bring in a married couple as youth pastors, as they were more suited.


I guess i didn’t take it well and or months i tried to ignore that they were there. I had several “talks” (or got yelled at lots by the pastor) about not respecting leadership. So after several months i decided to give it a go and let these pastors into my life. Anyway story cut short, the pastors wife hit on me when i was at a very vulnerable time in my life. One thing led to another and we began a relationship, physically it went for 9 mths, emotionally for over 6 years. I broke things off when she became pregnant with her second child, as i was heartbroken. She wanted to leave her husband but i couldn’t ruin her marriage. My life has been a living hell for the past 8 years as there was number of other stuff that happened within that relationship (way past the word count to tell you), for a number of years just feeling like i had lost me. Lost my identity. Friends tell me i am not gay and i was just taken advantage of. but to me it was just love, i’d do it again in a second


So i spent 5 years trying to figure out if i was gay or not…. in the end after much conflict within myself with what was “right” i gave up and now i just don’t feel anything. None of my family know what happened, and only a few close friends do. Funny thing was i always thought my friends would ditch me for even thinking i was gay, but it wasn’t that it was cos i now don’t wanna go to church…



iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
August 23, 2009, 21:00

Hi Oakley, and welcome to Freedom2b[e]. Yes, our sexuality is a fluid concept and its not at all unusual to feel attracted to one or both sexes at different times …


You sound as though you felt sidelined when the pastor appointed a married couple as youth leaders in your church. I would feel the same way. Personally I think ones marital status has nothing to do with our ability to serve in a chosen calling in the church. We need look no further than Paul the Apostle as an example in this area.


Hope to hear more of your journey on the forum. If your’re in Sydney or Melbourne, we have monthly Chapter meetings where people can get together and talk about various GLBT topics and share a meal afterwards.



Oakley
 
Joined in 2009
August 23, 2009, 21:18

I guess i did feel a bit sidelined…. however that was not what made me vulnerable at that point. I was dealing with past abuse and rape issues and i finally worked up enough courage to tell her, and she took that moment to be the one to kiss me and tell me i deserved much better and she would never hurt me.


I guess for me now i see people i think are completely hot (mostly women) yet i just have no interest in either males or females. I just chose not to feel, which is no way to live…. i’ve been living to make others happy. Last Dec when one of my closest mates died, i have just decided to be me, whether people like that or not….once i figure out who i am



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 24, 2009, 00:13

Hey Oakley…..it is good to have you with us.


It seems from the research that has been done that bisexuality is more common amongst women than men. Although heterosexual men may have sex with other men….that doesn’t actually make them gay…..and of course they won’t get emotionally attached to the guy…..that happens to gay men.


Your situation will most likely take a little time to sort out. Its unfortunate that the relationship with the pastors wife developed I guess. It has complicated things for you……as does the previous experiences of rape and abuse.


separating sexual abuse….rape and accepting your same sex orientation takes some help.


any way…..good to have you here



Oakley
 
Joined in 2009
August 25, 2009, 18:50

I think what i struggle with most now is i’ve had years of being told that gay is wrong etc through church and bible college. That when i was in a relationship with my pastors wife, i was still very much in love with God. I guess previously i had subscribed to the churches view on gay relationships, but then having one my whole perspective changed.


So now i struggle with the stuff i have been told in the past such as you can’t have a relationship with god if you are gay…..which is really hard thing to grasp. I always thought if i chose to acknowledge i was gay it meant giving up on god, which was not a step i was sure i could do. But now i’m starting to see other options…..



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 25, 2009, 19:12

have you read my autobiography oakley…..I deal with some of that stuff there.


you may not want to identify where you are from but if you are in Sydney or melbourne we meet monthly…..people often find being able to talk face to face with others who understand helps.


Faith and sexuality are certainly separate issues to resolve. Particulary as previously we saw them as opposing forces.



Oakley
 
Joined in 2009
August 25, 2009, 19:32

nah i haven’t read your autobiography….. been trying to ignore things for too long, so just been in denial! I’ll look into it though….


I’m in melbs, if i get brave enough i may come one day….



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
August 25, 2009, 19:59

send an email to [email protected] and get on the mailing list if you like.


Linda and Michelle who run the group down there are great.


there comes a time when we have to begin resolving some of this stuff…..some keep living in denial….but I dont think its very healthy for them in the long run.


the encouraging thing is that you’ll find lots of people here who know exactly what you are feeling and will possibly be a bit ahead in the journey.


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