My son is username “Mr Summit” from here on referred to “Mr S”. He is gay, we love him, support and accept him for who he is, he is our son and we are proud of the young man he has become. Being gay doesn’t change any of that.
My son has encouraged me to write and I was asked by “Avennbrown” to tell my story. So this is my story as a parent and as Mum. I hope by telling it, it may help some other parents struggling in the knowledge that their child is homosexual. I also hope that it helps others and encourages you not to give up on your parents, as re told by “Avennbrown” in his posting “Small Conversions, Big Victories” It took nearly 6 years for John Corvino partners parents to accept their son and their relationship. Where there is life there is hope, so don’t give up.
I have 101 thoughts and feelings going through my head, it’s hard to know what to write and to keep it relevant so forgive me if this is long. And keep in mind this is MY story.
When our son came and told myself and my husband, he was gay, the first thing we did was got up together and gave our son a big hug and said we loved him unconditional and accepted him for who he was, yes there were tears. Of course it was a shock, a massive shock we had no idea, I knew there was something and had been for years but not in my wildest dreams had I imagined he was gay. After all he was brought up in a Christian home, brought up going to church, being homosexual was a choice wasn’t it?
I spent the next week or so crying on and off, my tears were mostly for my son, I felt deep grief for all the suffering, struggles, self-hatred, guilt and shame he had gone through. How alone he must of felt. I had some understanding of those feeling, I didn’t have an easy upbringing, and I would never wish any of those feelings on any one let alone my own son. I have been guilty of over protecting my children because of my past, you just love them so much you want to protect them from all the hurts and pain the world can bring into their lives. So I had an incredible amount of grief for him, I also felt as if I had failed him, I had let him down, I beat myself up about that one pretty bad. We also suffered our own grief, the loss of not having a daughter in law; the loss of not having any grandchildren, we both went through this. Maybe to some this might seem selfish but this is how we felt, it was a loss for us for what the future could have been. Of course there was disbelief, waking up every morning saying I can’t believe our son is gay. We had watched the movie “Inception” a few days before and felt it must all be a terrible dream.
I also thought WHY, WHY didn’t he come to us earlier. I think all teenagers go through times when they think their parents have 2 heads or something. They go from wanting to be with mum to, “like mum just drop me off around the cnr and don’t hug me in front of my friends”, from dad being the coolest guy on the block to he is such a dork. It’s hard to get some sort of conversation out of teenage children, it’s a tough time for parents, I persisted with my kids, asking about their day, trying to let them know I was interested and just getting the yeah, whatever, dunno, grunts, good we had this conversation son, yeah right. It was like our loving children had turned into some sort of monsters from outer space.
They don’t talk to their parents about any issues they are going through when we are the ones who love them the most and truly have their best interest at heart. I can’t count the amount of times I said to my children you can always come to me and talk to me about anything. So it seems as parents we all go through this, then add on top of this that your child is struggling with feelings of attraction to the same sex well it seems we have buckleys of getting them to come talk to us.
As much as I understand this, as much as I understand the feelings my son was struggling with and thought he could never ever tell anyone, I also know buried deep there was this little concern he might lose his family if they knew. I know all this and I understand it in my head but in my heart it saddens me that he didn’t come to me earlier.
I do blame the Anti-Gay sites that put the blame on parents for their children being homosexual, it’s not being homosexual that is splitting families it’s the poison that these sites spit out. They put division between the parents and the children. I know my son went through a time when he blamed us because of the things said on these sites, he has stated this and said sorry for that. Maybe just maybe if he hadn’t come across these sites he might have come to us earlier and lesson some of the struggles and suffering he went through.
I’ve gone through a lot of hurt in my own life, I’ve always been told I was a strong person, was always expected to cope and always have, but I have to admit for the first time in my life for just a few brief mins I felt I wasn’t coping, I thought I was going to crack, I was going crazy. As a mum I needed to hear from my children that I was a good mum I needed their love too and they gave it. My husband and I loved and supported each other through those first few difficult weeks
We looked at the sites our son had recommended that offered help and support to parents whose children were homosexual. I read about all the normal reactions and thoughts parents go through, phew it was nice to know our reactions, feelings, thoughts and grief were normal, I wasn’t going crazy after all (no comment Mr S :p ).
We used to think Homosexuality was a choice, but after everything our son, has told us and after what we have read we have come to believe this is not true. Our son didn’t choose to be Gay, he asked, begged God to change him. If it is such a sin against God why didn’t he answer his prayers? Our son has not let God down; I felt God had let him down and I was angry at him.
We have read our son’s bible study where he did an extensive study on the issue to really find out what the bible and God said about Homosexuality not what the church told him it said. He found out that the Bible isn’t as clear cut on the issue as he was led to believe and that there was room for homosexuals in God’s Kingdom. We have come to the same conclusions as him, but even if we didn’t that wouldn’t matter to us, we know him, we know he wouldn’t have just turned around one day and decide to be Gay. This has been a long process for him. He is who he is and we love him, he is our son and we are very proud of the young man he has become. This has made us even closer because now he can be open and honest with us and not hide who he is. We have watched Christian videos, done our own research and read lots of stories and information. We bought our kids up in the way we thought was right, in the way the church told us was right, we were wrong and have told our son we were wrong and for that we are truly sorry.
I could rave on about how proud of him we are and the charitable works my son does, but I took it out to cut the length of this post down. Being Gay has not changed him into some person society or the church should reject, in fact the world would be a lot better place if we had more people in the world like him.
It’s been a little over 4mths since our son told us he was Gay, we have changed a lot of our beliefs, preconceptions and thoughts in that time. Beliefs that were based on incorrect information, upbringing, lack of knowledge and incorrect bible teachings. We had been guilty of prejudice and wrong judgements, we have changed our views, beliefs and thoughts, not just because our son is Gay because that is what is RIGHT, our son just helped open our eyes that were once blind and open our hearts to those we had shunned. We ask for forgiveness from you all.
I am sorry this is so long; it’s been emotional to write. May you all have God’s love, peace and blessings in your life.
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