21, gay, and coming out.

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Joined in 2013
January 5, 2013, 22:33

Hey everyone,

I thought I should probably stop lurking around the forums and finally join in. 🙂

I came out a few months ago. Only to myself, although I suppose that's always a good place to start. No crazy family stories yet…

I remember realising that, hey, I'm gay and I'm actually okay with that. Okay, it was a bit more complicated than that, but you get the idea.

All through my teenage years I remember always being attracted to other guys, but somehow I didn't think too much of it. There was no mention of anything that wasn't 'straight' in sex ed and school education (Christian private school) or at home or church either. If there was, it was in a blatantly negative, spoken with cringes and shudders and two boys? That's disgusting. Yeah, that was a snippet of an actual conversation between my Oma (Dutch for grandma) and younger brother.

For a long time I thought the possibility of being gay didn't matter. In my head I always had this image of me marrying a woman some time in my future, having kids, all that. I'd meet a nice girl, we'd date and get married and it wouldn't be an issue any more. But I got older and more independent, left a closed minded high school, went to uni and met new people. I learned new things about the world and about myself, and that 'dream' began to crumble.

I guess coming out to myself was more of a gradual thing. But I got there.

I was driving home the other day and realised that, hey, I'm a part of a minority group of sorts. That was a weird feeling. Going from white, a middle class family, male, and then although I'm still all of those things, I realised that I'm also a part of a group that my Christian family wouldn't approve of. I felt like such a rebel. Ha ha.

It's a strange thing, having a secret that could really put the relationships with most of the people I know to the test. My thoughts are to tell my friends and family this year some time. A new years resolution, maybe.

I remember a while ago now I was having a bit of a rant about how LGTBI people weren't treated properly by the church in general, and then mum asked if I was gay. I'm not sure how serious she was about that question. But I left that conversation with two profound (if profound is the right word) thoughts.

1. I took an interest in LGTBI issues in the church and in general, thus I was suspected of being gay myself. It made me sad that those conclusions were drawn. 🙁

2. I lied. I said I wasn't gay, knowing that she would believe me. Funny how easy it is to get away with a lie with people who trust you.

I think it will present a sort of full circle conflict for dad when I tell him. He used to have a best friend who turned out to be gay. From the stories I hear I think dad was equal measures furious and revolted. My parents never let this friend near me as a very little kid, lest he have some sort of negative impact on me or something like that (ha ha, look how that worked out). I think dad regrets how he handled the situation, but I don't think he's ever tried to make friends with this friend again. The reason I'm saying this is that I wonder if these experiences have given him what he needs to be okay with me, as opposed to the alternative. Strangely enough, coming out to dad isn't what scares me the most.

I still have all my grandparents, and I try to maintain a good relationship with them, but I wonder if they will even speak to me again when they find out. The 'straight me' is just another mask I wear. I bet a lot of you have felt the same.

What scares me most, however, is coming out to my two brothers. I love them a lot, but I think one would be hopefully tolerant but unsure of me at best. The other can be intensely stubborn and closed minded, in the sense that he really doesn't like what he doesn't understand. Nor will he try to think from someone else's shoes. They're both teenagers still, so maybe they'll understand better when they're older. Or maybe it will take me revealing that I'm same sex attracted to really make them think. I get along with them both really well at them moment, though we're all pretty much opposites of each other. I guess it just makes the situation more intense because we're all still living at home.

I've got a group of friends I'm planning to tell soon, as soon as I can somehow organise getting us all together again. It will be interesting to see how that goes…

Thanks for reading, everyone. Just writing this has taken a lot off my chest.

Oh, and while I remember, are there any meet ups or anything happening in Melbourne? Would love to meet people face to face too. 🙂

If I can get the day off work hopefully I'll see some of you at the Melbourne Pride March. 🙂

Thanks again, everyone. Have a great weekend!

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
January 5, 2013, 23:13

Hi Jay

Thanks for introducing yourself and sharing some of your story. It's great to hear from you! 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown, who founded f2b, has talked about high and low risk people in terms of the type of responses you might expect from others when you divulge your sexual orientation. Those who you think would be rejecting are high risk and those who might be accepting, perhaps because they have indicated neutral or accepting cues, are low risk. Anthony suggests we start with the low risk people when coming out because it helps us build our supports and confidence and these are important to have. As our supports increase, it helps us cope with any rejecting responses a lot better. The non accepting responses don't take on so much significance because we have a supportive buffer.

In answer to your question. there is a Melbourne chapter of f2b that meets every third Fri of the month. Check out the Events tab and select what's on in Melbourne for the next meeting. Alternatively please send a private message to Michelle who chairs the meetings along with Linda. Michelle will be happy to welcome you along, I'm sure. 🙂

I trust that you will find this a supportive place to be. 🙂


Ann Maree

Joined in 2012
January 6, 2013, 03:54

Quote from Jay on January 5, 2013, 10:33 pm

I was driving home the other day and realised that, hey, I'm a part of a minority group of sorts. That was a weird feeling. Going from white, a middle class family, male, and then although I'm still all of those things, I realised that I'm also a part of a group that my Christian family wouldn't approve of. I felt like such a rebel. Ha ha.

This is exactly what happened to me too: a gradual realisation in the car that actually, I'm not at the 'top of the pile' anymore. When it happened I decided I would just ignore it for the time being and I didn't face up to any of it for more than a year later. I guess that's what I needed to do, but I'm really glad I'm out now.

And yeah, there was also the hilarious realisation that little-old, rule-keeping me turned out to be one of those terrible rebellious homosexuals. I was a prefect at my conservative Christian school and everything. I still laugh to myself about it.

Anyway, welcome to the forums! I'm a bit of a creeper too, but I'm trying to be more active in the different communities of which I'm a part. Let us know how your coming out goes as it happens 🙂

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
January 6, 2013, 11:22

Hi Jay,

Welcome to F2B, thanks for sharing your story it's a huge positive step as you say it's been a weight of your chest. Hopefully it's helped you gather your thoughts. I'm sure as you read some of the other stories on this site you will see some similarities to your own but also some differences. As you approach the time of coming out to family and friends I pray the stories and experiences, suggestions all help to give you hope and strength in your own journey.

You mentioned you father wished he had handled his friend being Gay better. That happens as we all get older and wiser (one hopes) and we realise things aren't as black and white as we once thought when we were younger. Hopefully when you do come out to him he will be more accepting of you. Just keep in mind they love you.

It's been a little over 2 yrs since my son came out to my husband and I. We were totally accepting of him, we love him unconditionally and have gone to several F2B meetings and even walked in last years Mardi Gras in support of him and the F2B community. I'm sure he never thought any of that would have happen, things change, people change. He also told some of his close friends first to have that support and had joined F2B who offered him lots of support (and continue to do so) before he came out to us. It's great he can open and be himself with whomever he is with now.

F2B is here to help you in your journey, encourage and support you in anyway we can. 🙂

I encourage you to go to a F2B meeting in Melbourne when you can. They are a great bunch of accepting supporting people, you will be made to feel very welcomed.

God Bless

Joined in 2010
January 6, 2013, 16:08

Welcome Jay!

We'll walk this part of the journey with you!!


Joined in 2013
January 6, 2013, 18:49

Thanks for all your comments, everyone. It's been great to hear from you and to learn a bit about you all and your experiences too.

I'll definitely try to make it to one of the group events, too.

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