21 Sydney Guy - Confused

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Joined in 2007
June 13, 2010, 20:17

Hey 24hr, it seems like your #1 problem is that you dont like yourself. Your problem is NOT that you are not likeable, it’s that you do not like yourself. And Im guessing you probably dont like gay people in general.

This is an understandable attitude if you have grown up in a family/church/community where gay people are considered second-rate. It’s very difficult not to absorb those attitudes from those you look up to, and very difficult to reject those values in your own head and heart. BUT, many of the people who hold anti-gay views dont know gay people. Many Christians reject the idea of homosexuality not because they dont like gay people, but because they misguided think that God would like them to distance themselves from gay people in the same way as everything else that is considered to be sinful.

If more people actually knew a gay person, there would probably be a lot less rejection of homosexuality. Why? Because gay people are largely just like anyone else, and most are really nice people. Unlike what you might see on TV, gay people come in all shapes, sizes, personalities and from all walks of life. Being gay doesnt mean you will fit the gay stereotype in terms of behaviour.

Im guessing you dont know any gay people either, and this likely explains why you are not comfortable with the idea of being gay. I recommend you meet some. Maybe start by chatting to some on a gay Christian forum like this one or (NB many specifically gay chat sites that are not Christian are largely pick up joints, and Id say you would not be ready for that at present, and they would best be avoided for now.) Then even meet some face to face. You’ll find great gay people around, and once you see that they are ok, you will find yourself recognising that you are ok too! Homophobic people sometimes shout louder than the rest. There are many parents and general people in the community that love gay people!

Meeting other gay people doesnt mean you need to change or do gay stuff. Note that those who are isolated dont always cope well. I do recommend that you make some gay friends, preferably others who are going through the same thing as you so you can talk it over and not feel like the only gay in the village.

Joined in 2007
June 13, 2010, 20:30

Oh and yes, people might be hurt (as you wrote). But this is just one of the unfortunate realities of life. I once revealed to a Christian doctor friend that I was reluctant to tell my parents that I was gay because they would feel let down. He was surprised, and replied that my parents “got what they got”. He said that he wishes that his parents were super rich and that he had been brought up in a life of luxury. But no, he got the parents god gave him, and likewise, his parents got the gay son that god gave them. Life just includes hurt no matter what. Staying in the closet may delay the hurt for others, but it will likely continue to hurt you to some degree, in part because lying is against god’s wishes. If you remain in the closet, and others accidentally find out the truth, they will often feel doubly hurt – because they hoped that you would have been honest and told the truth. Coming out can for some people be absolutely massively stressful and shouldnt be rushed. But if/when you are ready, you may be surprised that like the experience of many others, it may not cause as much hurt or rejection as you expected and may be a huge weight off your shoulders.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
June 13, 2010, 20:43

Hi all

You guys are great! I love all the wisdom and compassion you each contribute. 🙂 You’re in the right place 24hourclock.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2010
June 13, 2010, 20:43

Thanks to everyone’s replies. I appreciate that you’re all trying to make me feel better. And you are a little. I’m glad that this site has been helpful for so many people, and I’m sure it’ll continue.

craiginsydney, I find your post pretty unhelpful to be honest. “I’m guessing” you like to play psychologist? For a bit of background info, I actually went out with a guy a few years back – only ended it because of the guilt. Loved him heaps at the time. I certainly don’t hate gays. I hate being gay, but that doesn’t mean I hate gays. And actually I know a few gay guys. But thanks for trying.

Scott, appreciate you saying hello. Makes me more inclined to head to that event.

Ben, i’ve read some of your stuff. Good work. I can see you’ve helped a lot of people with your journey. God is obviously using you, and that’s awesome. I guess the point I’m trying to say is that I have realised that I’m gay, tried to change and now in hindsight I realised that wasn’t going to work. But I hate being gay. It’s not that I want to accept myself being gay, I just don’t want to be gay!

Oh, and when I said I’m not sure whether it is ok to be gay, let me clarify. I realise totally that you can’t help being gay! So in that sense, how can i possibly be sinful to be gay. What I meant was that I’m not sure whether it’s sinful to be gay, and then pursue those feelings. I’ve always been taught that if you’re gay, well, that’s just a life sentence of “suffering for the gospel”, and unfortunately some people will have to suffer in life more than others. I’m still deciding whether I believe that or not – there’s certainly arguments for and against christian homosexuality – but i’m not want to just believe what people tell me, or even to believe what I want to believe.

Shan, thanks for telling your story.

Thanks to everyone else for their input. Appreciated.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
June 13, 2010, 21:11

Hi 24hourclock

So you hate being gay. From past experiences, I can relate to that .. and I don’t think anyone jumps for joy when they first realise their sexuality is alternative to the heteronormative one. Let’s face it – it would be a lot easier to be straight.

It sounds like you’re wondering if homosexual behaviours are sinful.. Is that correct? Fair enough, you want to find out for yourself about that rather than simply accept what others say, either from pro/anti gay arguments. I respect that. And I get that you don’t want to be swept along by your own agenda, simply because it maybe convenient.

I hope you find what you need as you journey on.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2009
June 13, 2010, 21:32

Hi 24hourclock!!

I am so glad that you are here- and having a robust discussion on this site. It’s a good place to work things out- and people are very supportive and helpful. Takes time to work things out, even if we want answers instantly. I guess that I avoided hurting people for years- by denying myself for years- but in retrospect, I may have hurt many people much more than I would have by coming to terms with my sexuality earlier in life. I’m glad that you are taking steps to work through these issues now.

And I am thrilled to see so many positive, helpful comments from recent joiners of this site. You guys rock!


Joined in 2009
June 13, 2010, 21:59

Being able to conduct objective research when you have something this big to lose or gain is… difficult. I spent years doing research and thinking a lot about it all before finally giving myself the “OK” in crossing (or rather merging) the faith/sexuality divide – and it was only after I did that, that I even started talking to other people about it. But in any case, even if you ended up deciding that being gay is completely OK, you’ve made it pretty clear that it’s not the main issue for you at this point.

You hate being gay… fair enough. Without trying to be too forward, can I ask why? (I’m guessing you’ve foreseen this question being asked, given what you’ve said so far).

You’ve already alluded to faith not being a reason for it, and you don’t dislike other gay people – so you’re already skipping past two of the major stumbling blocks for other people dealing with these sorts of issues.

Joined in 2010
June 14, 2010, 01:54

Chris, thanks for your post. Yeah it’s hard to explain. To be honest, and I know that some will get annoyed by this comment, but I wish I could just be ‘normal’. I’m not saying that I don’t think being gay is normal, but rather that society still has a long way to go in terms of looking at homos exactly the same way as hetros. Few reasons why I hate it and the thought of coming out:

– It will change my relationships, particularly with other guys. Growing up I can’t say I ever seemed to have one close mate. In the last few years, I’ve become good mates with a guy from church, and it’s been really great. I definitely fear that coming out to him will have a massive impact on the relationship. And speaking to other guys who’ve come out, it’s often ended in a weakening or complete breakdown of the relationship. I’ve never ever been interested in him in, but I do fear that were I to come out to him, he might think that I was/had been. More than that, I have heaps of straight friends who I know for a fact would not take it well if I was gay. One even said that he wouldn’t talk to me, or any of his mates if they came out to him. I know what people will say to this, but I guess I’m saying ‘it would just be easier if I was straight’.

– My parents, while they are great, will be so upset. I’m so scared of hurting them. Dad has always thought that ‘poofs’ are disgusting, and all mum wants is grandkids. I just know that they will be so disappointed that I can’t live this straight life of marriage, kids, blah blah blah.

– I hate the stereotype that comes with being gay.

– Where do you even meet gay guys? When you’re straight, girls are everywhere for you to meet. When you are gay, only one in every very few guys are gay. And then those that are, are often so sex driven that I wouldn’t waste my time.

– If I am to come out, I will be asked to leave my church. I’ve been involved in leading youth for a few years now, and it’s been great. But I know that when/if I come out, I will be asked to stop that. Why should I have to stop? We even had a sermon recently that said ‘unrepentant sinners will be told to leave the church’ with homosexuals being mentioned PLENTY of times

My point is, that being straight would make life so much more simple, but yet, I can’t change it.

Joined in 2010
June 14, 2010, 01:59

One more thing…

I can’t believe that you guys actually care enough to read about this stuff. I hate to burden people with my issues, which is why I will never tell people how I really feel. I am a self confessed master at wearing a mask of happiness, because I never feel that anyone would actually care if I felt otherwise. It’s somewhat comforting, but mostly weird that people are actually interested to read this stuff that I’m writing. Thanks. I guess.

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
June 14, 2010, 02:10

hey 24 hour……..I’m not sure that this will be of enormous comfort to you but most likely every single person on this site at one time hated being gay……and we hated it for a whole variety of reasons.

OMG……I lived so many years in self loathing it was ridiculous. Its a terrible place to be.

Of course i was brought in a generation that thought homosexuality was an illness and they imprisoned those who were caught acting in it. Every message I had around me growing up was……this is a curse…..and you must do everything you can to change it……oh……and dont tell a sole.

thank god the majority of society is more enlightened these days.

Unfortunately the christian church is the last bastion of ignorance. A place where outdated views of homosexuality continue to be perpetrated. Most christians are totally unaware of how much pain and damage this causes to individuals such as our selves. 10,000’s of people contact Exodus every year saying the same thing you are saying…..I hate being gay……but they think they can change it……it seems you have come to the place where you have accepted that you can’t. that is a step forward.

I wonder if this entry on my blog might be of some help.

How Different My Life Would Have Been If…..

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