Hi Everyone!
I’ve spent a long time looking for people who will understand and empathise with my story. Although I’m sure you’ve read 100’s of stories on here, I would be blessed if you took the time to read mine…or at least say hello!
I’m not sure where to start really…There has always been signs pointing towards me being gay. As a small child, I liked playing with my sisters barbies, dressing up in her clothes and would always pretend to be a girl in “make believe time”. However, in saying that, I never thought I WAS a girl. I remember thinking a boy in my kindie class was the bees knees…and kissing our school photo of him. A year later, I cried about it and told mum and said, “does this make me gay?” She assured me it didn’t.
I remember being the only boy on my table in kindie…but I didn’t mind. I liked hanging out with the girls…they were easier to get along with. I remember being teased throughout all of my school life…”why do you hang out with girls? Are you gay?” “You’re so gay!”…My oh-so-fool-proof response was, “I’m a christian, how can I be gay?”. Despite this, I use to go to bed most nights and pray that I wouldn’t be gay. Whenever I saw a person that [I percieved to be] gay, I would be disgusted and frightened.
I grew up in church. From the age of 3-13 I went to Anglican church in sydney. I never really heard anything about gay people…infact, I don’t ever remember anything ever being mentioned-but I still knew they were wrong and to “pray for rain” whenever the Mardi Gras was on. I don’t think I completely understood why, just that it was wrong and God didn’t like it.
Around this age, my love for God exploded and I spent most of my time praying or reading. We started going to the Pentecostal church (Me and Mum) and I felt at home with people who believed in a present and active God. I began to be told that I was “special” and that God had a plan for my life…people would “prophesy” over me of the intricate and great things God had in store for me. I lapped all this up. However, I also began to notice other guys, but just thought I was comparing myself as I didn’t have the most confidence in myself. At around 15, we moved 3 hours out of sydney for my parents jobs. I decided I would start my new school afresh, with none of the teasing that accompanied me through all of my school life. I made decent friends for the first time, loved church and was vice-captain then captain of my school. However, I was becoming more aware of my struggles. I had liked guys for most of pubescent years (difficult when you start puberty at 9!) I delved into gay porn kind of by accident, but soon looked forward to it after school each day. I felt like a hypocrite and cut off from God, but I continued to press in.
I did a gap year away from home, where God taught me alot about my worth as his child, not as a christian which set me free from a whole heap of self worth issues. I felt loved and accepted…but was terrified of people finding out my secret. I had a massive panic attack one night during worship. People began to minister to me, with one lady saying, “i see a great sadness when I look at you, like you’re hiding. You need to come into the open and share it with someone”. I freaked, but felt God’s peace for the first time in ages. I went and spoke to a christian counsellor, who assured me that God loved me as I was, but that He could change me. I began a few sessions of “asking God” to speak his truth to me about certain beliefs I had…which resulted in my believing that God would change me. However, I moved home a few weeks later (as intended). I crashed after a year of church service, and felt like I didn’t believe anymore and couldn’t pray. I was depressed and had just begun to accept that I was gay. I eventually told some friends, all who continued to love and support me, but encouraged me that God could help me (apart from one, who just said, “der, of course you are! But what’s the problem?”). I shied away from chuch and hid from God-threw myself into partying and drinking. WOOO!!! I went to a few gay bars, but thought it was a little sleazy. I chatted guys online and found acceptance…but then found out they mainly wanted to see me naked. Booo!
I went to a wedding and immediately clicked with a guy there…he came and visited me a week later and after hanging out all day, we spent the night making out. My first kiss! He then told me he wasn’t sure how he felt, we were both the first guys we’d kissed and he said he did it just to see what it was like. I was a tad crushed. A month or two later, I met another guy and we began to mess around, but I felt so guilty that I left quite promptly. I crumbled in one of my friends arms and told her I hated what I’d become and wanted to die. We cried together. It was then i decided to tell my pastor. I was terrified, as I went to a very conservative pentecostal church. But, he was very gracious and assured me it was nothing he hadn;t dealt with pastorally before. I was referred to the church counsellor where I began sessions of a “memory healing” type ministry, asking God to reveal the truth to me and heal the wounds which made me a homosexual. I struggled so much and often argued with the counsellor, saying I wasn’t sure I wanted to change anymore, I just wanted to be me and still be okay with God….which is where I am now.
I am still confused by all this…and sorry if my story didn’t make much sense. I caught between thinking I need to either change or be celebate…and wanting to believe the ‘pro-gay’ theology that says I’m okay the way I am (thanks, Bruno Mars). I want to love and know God and share his love…but still think I can’t if I choose to “live” as a homosexual i.e relationship and openess. I have spent many nights crying to God to change me or to take me away…and have been very depressed at time. I have liked girls in the past, and exclusively as a kid…but the idea of being phsyical freaked me out and now grosses me out haha. I would love to be in a relationship, but want to honour God. I am glad for my friends, but would love to make friends with people who KNOW what it is like and have THOUGHT and WRESTLED with these issues…until you have experienced this battle, you have no idea what it is like.
Alas, that is my senseless rants. I look forward to becoming part of the community here 🙂
|
