Hi Johnno1965

I have heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As an ‘in the closet’ married gay man who is so far behind you in this ‘coming out’ journey…perhaps the one thing I do know is that suicide creates a bigger problem for our families than working through very difficult problems.

Research into suicide shows that our children and their future children are at greater risk of suicide themselves if we take that course. Although I feel sick with anxiety everyday at the moment because I have all this ‘stuff’ to work through I know my kids (and there kids) will need me in the future. I know that the problem / challenge will not last forever. I have been through some really bad stuff that I have alluded to in my story…but I did come out (no pun intended) the other side.

I guess it will take some people awhile to come around to the idea that a family member is gay…when that finally happens it will make it so much easier for present or future family members to acknowledge that they are also gay.

Maybe it is harder for those of us who are first….but I bet we will not be the last. I know that is is hard, even very hard but you will get through this difficult time. Perhaps you can get to the monthly meetings (ist Friday of each month if your in Sydney).

It really does sound like you need to connect with someone outside just the text of this forum. I am sure AVB and others will know the best people / resources for you.

anyhow I am thinking of you and praying for you.

jayz

the only thing that stopped me from taking my life the night before I did the public confession in front of the church was the thought of what that would do to my children.

here is the extract from that chapter….I think it probably says it best.

After dinner on Saturday night, knowing that tomorrow would possibly be the darkest day of my life, I had to do something to escape the pressure and get out of the house.

‘I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back in about an hour,’ I said, trying to ignore the fear on Helen’s face. Will he return home, will he kill himself, will he call Jason, or will he have sex with a man again? She knew that in my state of mind there was a very real possibility of any of these happening. I walked passed the shops, down on the beach then up to the top of the bluff called the Skillion, a rock formation with a sheer drop of several hundred feet. I’d left the street lights behind but standing in the darkness on the cliff’s edge there was enough light to make out the white froth of the wild surf breaking on the rock ledge below, and thought of the people who’d taken their lives there. Sitting on the edge of the cliff I cursed the day I was born. I cursed my homosexuality I’d tried to change all my life but had now destroyed me. All I would have to do was stand up, take a running leap and it would be finished in a manner of seconds; the final thud on the rocks would end my suffering. I knew the Catholic church taught that suicide was a mortal sin which meant going straight to hell but I was hoping that my God was a bit more understanding and forgiving. For half an hour I weighed up the outcomes of either jumping or facing the consequences. My death would be a cowardly act relieving me of my pain but would only create more heartache for my family. Surely they’d suffered enough. As I walked back home I wondered if I had the courage to do what must be done tomorrow.

……and I hope you are glad I didn’t ease my pain through suicide……because then……there would have been no book……no freedom 2 b[e]…..etc etc.

“She needs to be in a relationship where she can feel what it means to be a woman and to experience true intimacy, the way God intended.”

Is a interesting positive thought Johnno. It has something positive. I hope you can find intimacy to.

Johnno,

A big step- and I respect you so much for taking it- and in such a positive way.

Having been through those steps within the last 2 years- without planning or support, and doing it a much less than ideal way- my thoughts and prayers are with you.

No one wants to ‘break up a family’= but sometimes we put a very big burden on ourselves to meet this ideal- and did God intend that we should conform to the modern idea of a family, even if it is hurtful and damaging to those in it (despite our best efforts)?

love and prayers

Ian

I spoke with my wife on Wednesday and we have decided to seperate, as amicablly as we can. It is the most gut wrenching decision that I have had to make , but I believe that it is the best. She needs to be in a realtionship where she can feel what it means to be a woman and to experience true intimacy, the way God intened.

I believe that if we remain together, it will only cause more emotional damage and cause further hurt and pain.

I will be speaking to my boys in the next few days and letting them know. I want them to hear from me so that they can understand what it means to live a true and authentic life.

I think that being in a position to be able to plan things rather than drag things out will help us both move on in the long run.

I so badly dont want to break up my family, but remaining in our current situation is not healthy and is only delaying both of us beggining the new chapters in our lives.

They say that time i the best healer………

I think for some of us we do come to the realisation that to remain in the marriage is cruel to the heterosexual partner……even thought they don’t see it at the time.

Sometimes it takes us to be the courageous one and release them to live as God intended….to be married to a heterosexual not a homosexual.

When we both push our boats off from the shore…..we have no guarantees of where that journey will take us or if that involves a partner for either of us…….but personally I’d rather have that journey than both of us living in no mans land.

thinking of you all at this difficult time.

As the bible says there is a time for everything…..I time to weep a time to morn a time to sing a time to dance. this may be the time to mourn.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.