A - female, late 20s, finding a balance

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Joined in 2012
July 5, 2012, 23:48

Hi everyone,

I’ve been on this site a few times and thought I’d finally post. It’s refreshing to be amongst people with similar struggles, who understand what it’s like and who have tried praying it away only to still be gay.

I’m female, in my late 20s and have been going to a Pentecostal church regularly for about 4 years. I am ‘out’ to most of my Christian friends. But rather being ‘out and proud’, my coming out was a discussion of struggling with same sex attraction and how this fit in with Christianity and God’s plan for me.

After a very random encounter with a gay man who noticed my unhappiness a few days ago, and a subsequent one hour discussion, I finally experienced support and acceptance in relation to my sexuality. I felt free, and realised I have been going through the motions for the past few years. It hit me how truly alone and unhappy I really am.

This issue has cause a rift in my relationship with God. I’m emotionally exhausted, and want to experience love. The helpful stranger said he didn’t want me to be 40 and realise I have wasted my life being unhappy. I feel like I’ve already wasted most of my 20s, and need to live life fully.

While I love my friends, their view and opinions on sexuality and the bible make it difficult for me to accept myself. I’m tired of feeling guilty, alone and abnormal. While I can repent the fact that I cannot be everything that God wants me to be, I don’t think I can ever repent for being in love with someone.

I was thinking about going to a gay affirming church, but am quite shy. So this is my first step. This seems like a supportive group and it’s been great reading people’s ideas, opinions and experiences. I would just like to feel understood and accepted, instead of being seen as troubled with issues that need to be prayed for.

I think I just have to accept the fact that I’m gay myself, or at the very least bisexual with next to no attraction to men, without the shame and guilt that others have instilled upon me. It is difficult to separate how I feel about it from what others have conditioned me to feel about it. From what I’ve been taught about the bible, and how I think I should feel about it as a Christian to how I really feel, and accepting myself. Does that make sense?

Sorry about the ramble. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’ve got so many thoughts going through my head, and the only thing I know for sure is that I cannot continue going on as I have been for the last few years.


Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
July 5, 2012, 23:53

Hey, A – welcome. You've come to the right place. There are many of us on here who have similar stories. We are all at various places on "the journey". Coming out to ourselves is the first key step – that is, accepting who we are, accepting that that's how God made us, accepting that God loves regardless of what some others may say. Too late now for me to say much more. Hang in there. You'll find plenty of support here. Bless ya! ~ david

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
July 6, 2012, 07:16

Hi A,

Welcome to F2B. This is a wonderful bunch of people, you have certainly come to the right place for support and encouragement. It's great you have been reading the stories of other's on this site. Many have been where you are at, struggle to reconcile their faith and sexuality, hopefully you will find hope and comfort knowing you can reconcile both.

I think I just have to accept the fact that I’m gay myself, or at the very least bisexual with next to no attraction to men, without the shame and guilt that others have instilled upon me. It is difficult to separate how I feel about it from what others have conditioned me to feel about it. From what I’ve been taught about the bible, and how I think I should feel about it as a Christian to how I really feel, and accepting myself. Does that make sense?

This makes perfect sense, we are all effected by how offers have conditioned, think or say about ourselves, whether we are LGBT or straight. Part of dealing with that is to accept who you are and that who you are is OK. There are several resources on this site that you cold read to help you reconcile your faith. But I can tell you now, God loves you for you, who you are and you are just fine the way you are 🙂

Thanks for opening up and sharing some of your story on this forum, it's a scary thing to do, you are very courageous for taking that step.

God Bless

Joined in 2011
July 6, 2012, 11:58

Hi A,

Good on you for finding your way to this site and for taking the step to share some of your story here.

You are right – there are many on this site who can in some ways relate to some of what you have shared.

You mentioned feeling that you have a rift with God at the moment and are feeling emotionally exhausted. I along with many others who have shared their stories here well know that feeling.

I have only been on this journey for about a year – I am one of those people your kind stranger warned you about -(!!) ie in their mid 40s with a few regrets that I hadn't sorted things out earlier 🙂

Some people will suggest that in sorting out where faith and sexuality can fit together that you focus on each in their own space and time. That is, perhaps it's OK to put God to the side for a bit while you work issues out around sexuality. Others will say work God out first – I am still tentatively trying to work both out together. I think whatever suits you is OK.

Someone said something to me that I have found helpful – that is that perhaps we expect more of ourselves than God does. You mentioned about repenting of the fact that you can't be everything that God wants us to be – yet not feeling that you could repent for loving another. For what it's worth I just don't think God would want us to repent for loving another. he made us the way we are – and therefore loves us the way we are. You have also mentioned the difficulty in dealing with friends and their anti gay views. The best thing I did last year was to distance myself from people who were preaching anti gay doctrine. It was simply too damaging for me. It sounds dramatic – but I took on board the wise words of many on this forum who spoke of finding "safe" people to be with. I too am pretty shy and have skirted around the idea of visiting a gay friendly or affirming church for about 10-15 years!! Yes – it took that long! I didn't want to go to a specifically "gay church" but found a church where I can just be who I am – where there are other gay people attending who are loved and accepted. This has made a huge difference to me. Are there any churches near you or that you know of that you have already identified as being affirming? What about your family… where do they sit in all of this?

Anyway, hope you find the words of others on this forum supportive, nourishing and affirming.

All the best,

sarab 🙂

Joined in 2012
July 6, 2012, 16:49

Thank you for the warm welcome David, Mother Hen and sarab. I’m not sure about forum etiquette – do I respond to you all in one post? Or respond individually to each? I hope you don’t mind that I am replying to you all in one post.

David – thank you for your warm welcome and for making the effort when it was so late. I haven’t been sleeping too well, as I’ve had long discussions about this issue with a few close Christian friends in the last few days. Their beliefs are very ingrained and I’ll accept that about them as long as they don’t push their views on me or try to prevent me from exploring and researching other viewpoints. I’ve always told people I’m an open minded Christian!

It’s interesting, I know I can’t help being a lesbian, and there were signs even in childhood. But a friend told me that God made us all perfect and it is the sin in the world that has affected us negatively, therefore having effects like homosexuality. Quite a few of my friends have been to Bible college and have a much deeper understanding of the bible than I do, so it is very hard to separate God’s word from their interpretation. After all, isn’t all preaching an interpretation of the bible? I mean, look at all the different denominations just within Christianity! My mind is just everywhere at the moment.

Mother Hen – I’ve had tears in my eyes just reading about the acceptance, support and love that some parents such as yourself have shown their children. If only all families were like that.

I’ve been told by a pastor in church that my negative experiences in life could have led to my same sex attraction. I had a girlfriend when I was a teenager and before I started going to church regularly. It felt right. There is no arguing that. But since then, particularly in the last few years, I have trying to do the right thing by God, by pushing that part of me aside and cutting off ties with all gay influences. But I am not any happier, and can’t ignore that part of me anymore.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and read somewhere (maybe even on this site) that a psychologist was seeing a man in his 40s, who had never known what it was like to love, and be loved. I don’t want to be 50 and look back with regrets. I don’t want to be miserable and alone for the rest of my life. The past five years or so have definitely had enough misery and loneliness, and I would like to find a way to move forward, in both my faith and self acceptance. This seems like a great place to start!

Sarab – thank you for your kind words and support. It feels good to have others understand exactly what I’m going through and feel less alone.

I truly appreciate the support I feel on this site. While friends have been supportive, there is a significant difference between ‘well meaning support to do the right thing according to their views’ and true support. I was thinking it would be good to make new friends and to just take a step back from friends at church. Perhaps putting less weight on their opinions and getting some other viewpoints.

Thank you for your quote about us expecting more of ourselves than God does. It’s drilled into us that we should live a Christ-like life, but we shouldn’t beat ourselves up if we make mistakes, or can’t live up to Jesus, because he was perfect and the Son of God. God shows us mercy, if only we would all learn to show ourselves.

I live in Sydney, and was thinking of coming to a Freedom 2 b meeting but I am so socially awkward! Maybe one day. As for gay affirming churches, I was looking at Crave MCC, and I am lucky enough that there are a few located relatively near me. A friend of mine, who is an open minded Christian, would usually go along with me for moral support but is currently living overseas. I think I’ll just need to be brave. I’ve been meaning to go since the beginning of this year, but shyness and anxiety seems to be winning.

As for family, I would love to say that I could experience the unconditional love of a parent but that isn’t possible. I have no siblings. My family is quite culturally traditional (we come from a non-European background), old fashioned and homophobic. I would likely be disowned if they found out.

It would be nice to have this support in real life. I’ve felt alone for so long. But I’ve just realise that I don’t need to feel this way for the rest of my life. My first step was to post in the forums, then in the near future, I’ll hopefully work up the courage to come to a meeting.

Gosh, sorry for the length of the replies. Thank you again for taking time out of your day to read this and reply. I hope you enjoy your weekends!


Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
July 6, 2012, 18:25

Hi A

Welcome from me too! It's great to have you here. 🙂

Thanks for sharing some of your story and for having the courage to do so. Your experiences will resonate with others and give comfort to many.

I particularly like what you said here:

…I don’t think I can ever repent for being in love with someone.

I agree. God is love afterall so how can loving someone be wrong? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

You mentioned having friends who have studied at bible college. And it sounded like, without meaning to, they might be using their 'knowledge' to make you feel bad? One thing to keep in mind is that none have of us have all the answers. I've heard distinguished bible scholars acknowledge that much of biblical history is lost to antiquity and we may never find the answers to some of the questions we have. And with that in mind, a bit of bible study doesn't make someone an expert. We each have our own bias and the trick when studying the bible is to be aware of that and try putting it to the side and studying things in context as much as possible, linking with broader truths, studying biblical language, culture, history and the rest of scripture as a whole. And biblical interpretations need to fit with the broader truth of the spirit of overwhelming love and if they don't, I wouldn't pay them much heed.

The other thing to keep in mind is that we are not here to judge each other. We need to each find our own salvations with much work and the path is unique for all of us. So I can't be telling someone else what to do based on my understanding because that comes out of my own bias and experiences and won't be in keeping with someone else's experiences and path.

I encourage you to contact one of the chapter leaders from Sydney, such as forestgrey, as a lead in to attending one of their meetings. They are very friendly and welcoming so it won't matter that you're shy.

I also support what Sarab has said and done. I have seen remarkable changes in her own self acceptance and personal growth since attending a supportive church. 🙂

I look froward to hearing more from you. 🙂


Ann Maree

Joined in 2012
July 6, 2012, 22:43

Hey A! Welcome to freedom2b. You’ve come to the right place.

Trust me I know what it’s like to feel empty in the religion bank. For ten years (as far back as I could remember having a conscience) I was struggling with my feelings towards guys, and I started to become angry whenever I entered church.

I wasn’t angry about the fact that I didn’t get any answers from God on my sexuality though; it was mainly the PEOPLE in the church who, in their heart of hearts, honestly thought it was right to HATE others in the name of God. To me, it is a complete contradiction as to what God stands for, because he doesn’t discriminate. He just LOVES.

Now God doesn’t always give us answers (my mum should know, she’s been through years of nausea, vomiting, neck pain, back pain, you name it – and she had reached the end of herself many times and received no answers from God about her pain), so sometimes we just have to find them out for ourselves, and in these times we need as much support as humanly possible until we find those answers!

Anywho, every time my parents dragged me to church I was quite angry. I wasn’t angry at God though, I was angry that if I went on the stage and shouted ‘I’m gay!!!!!!’, well, I’m not an expert, but I’m 99% sure they would have chucked me out rather than going ‘good for you!’, and to me, chucking someone out for being HONEST and TRUE to themselves? I still can’t begin to fathom it, but sadly it is a reality in today’s society.

So for a while I moved away from God thinking such ungodly, horrible thoughts like ‘well, if I’m not getting any answers as to why I feel this way, and the Christian community would hate me and chuck me out of the church if I came out, why not just join the other side, sell my soul and get rich, but die young?’ I knew better than that. And that evil thought was NOT the answer.

My temperament is a mix of the shy, melancholy type, as well as a bit of the quiet, accepting, phlegmatic type. Check below to find out what each temperament is (most people have a mix of them, usually two maximum – I would say I'm about 70% melancholy and 30% phlegmatic).

Now it takes A LOT for me to stand up and bite back against someone, so after 2-3 years of my parents shouting homophobic slurs when seeing gay people on TV, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I decided to come out to them before I would do something I would regret (topping myself), because they were talking about ME.

When they read all eight pages of my coming out letter on the 4th of July (decided it would be this day because it’s a day of celebrating who you are) it was like a light bulb moment to them. They immediately changed their views and gained some understanding from my perspective. They admitted that they hated on certain people and that that wasn’t right or Christian-like at all.

These last few days since coming out I believe God gave me the incredible courage and strength to tell my parents who I was for a reason, and that was to KEEP ME ALIVE. In all honesty, if I hadn’t of snapped and decided to write down all my feelings and emotions I went through for 10 years to my parents, I would no doubt have become another statistic in gay teen suicides. My parents also said my letter was written very well, like it was 'anointed'.

Ever since coming out I’ve actually become CLOSER to God, and I now wear my Jesus-on-the-cross necklace every day, and I pray every night. My parents accept me for who I am, and God has started answering me again. I had been living my life in FEAR as well as a LIE. But it was time to tell the truth, and I now have nothing left to hide. I’m all exposed and there is no other way but up from here.

It’s been coming up on 3 days now since my parents were given the news that I’m gay, and not only was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, I can actually start being ME. People should love you UNCONDITIONALLY (no strings or expectations attached). Now if someone doesn’t like you for who you are (and you WILL face this at some point in time, as we live in a society of ignorance and intolerance), please know and remember that there are 6.7 billion something people on this planet. If your family or someone gives you crap for being gay or bi or whatever, go find someone else that’s going to love you for who you are, because they’re out there.

There are organizations out there that have your back, the people on these forums have your back, and there are many ‘it gets better’ videos and coming out stories on YouTube which may help you on your journey to finding yourself. true happiness and acceptance.

One thing that Ellen Degeneres said in a YouTube video which really got to my heart was this:

Things WILL get better, but most importantly, "You should be alive to see it".

Keep strong and God bless <3


Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
July 10, 2012, 13:23

welcome A….so fabulous you found us….and you plucked up the courage to post. Cyperspace certainly helps with that. There are some Pentecostal churches which are changing or have changed there understanding of sexual orienation…..they are in the minority though. You might be encouraged by this

Why Australian Pentecostals Will Embrace Gay & Lesbian People

I wrote it back in 2009

Joined in 2012
July 11, 2012, 16:41

I attended an Assemblies of God for ten years

Although I have sarted to atttend a bapists church I still think I am an AOG

here is some words that may encourage you from(

Jesus paid the price; we don’t have to become slave or do something to repay for our wrongs. In fact, we can’t. Only Jesus can.

Acts 2:21 says, "Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Don’t let the past or present failures keep you from coming to God. He has a heart like a father and wants you to be a part of His family.

God the Father loves everyone – the self-righteous, the self-centered, as well as the downright rebellious and defiant.

The Father has enough grace for all. He’s looking for prodigals and He’s looking for the proud as well. You see, God the Father loves every one of us. Shouldn’t you want to know this God?

We are heirs of God. Boldly, pray to the Father; relate to Him in an intimate way, as only a son and father could do; and live in the confidence of sonship, not the fear of servanthood.

Joined in 2008
July 14, 2012, 05:40

Hi A and welcome to freedom2b 🙂

We are happy you found the website and have begun to have a look around. There are some amazing stories and experiences to discover in this space! Thank you for sharing your journey thus far with us and we appreciate it takes courage to do so.

Warm regards


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