Advice please??

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Joined in 2013
September 20, 2013, 21:50

Hi everyone, I hope this is the right place to post this. Sorry if it isn't, feel free to delete or move it if it is inappropriate

I need some advice from people who have hopefully been where I am and I think this is the place to ask.

I moved to the US when I was 7 and have only just moved back. I have been raised as a Southern Baptist, and came out as homosexual to my parents when I was 16 (I'm now 18). Since then I've seen a number of counsellors and been through what I now know to be conversion therapy. My mother Skypes regularly with a psychologist in the US about it and I've just started seeing a Pastor here in Sydney and I'm literally shaking at the thought of repeating ongoing therapy all over again.

I don't know what to think or what to do. I question my beliefs and my faith every day and it's unbearable…. I know in my heart that God loves me and has a plan for me, but I'm struggling with devoting myself to a faith that labels me an abomination. I'm also having a lot of difficulty in figuring out what is false and what is true about being able to become straight. So much of it makes sense but then I read alot about how it isn't true and I just don't know.

My parents currently aren't letting me out without supervision (except for Church which they are at anyway) until I complete this stage of counselling so I'm struggling to make friends I can talk to outside of church.

If anyone has any advice or guidance I would really appreciate it. I feel suffocated and alone at the same time….

Thanks for reading.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
September 22, 2013, 09:23

Hi nj

You are definitely in the right place. Welcome to f2b! It's great that you have found and made contact with us.

Many, many others have experienced the turmoil and confusion you are describing and yet they have come through that to a life that is full and rewarding.

Please know, there is a way through and you can be both gay and have an active, fulfilling faith.

I would suggest you contact HillsBen by private message. Ben is a fabulous leader for young people and attends the Sydney f2b meetings. And if you haven't already, read his story and others like his in the Telling our stories section.

There are also opportunities for support for your parents – such as contact from parents here who support their gay children and still have a strong faith. There are organisations like Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays (PFFLAG) who could give information to your parents if they are open to it. At the moment your parents are only hearing one side of the story so they are not fully informed but rather misinformed. Conversion therapies (or ex gay or reparative therapies, as they are also known) are NOT supported by medical and psychological bodies. These so called 'reparative' therapies have been debunked because psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors recognise the damage such programs cause and the futility of them for changing one's sexuality, clearly stating this on their websites. Conversion programs are therefore being shut down more and more which is good.

How old are you and how open are your parents to hearing other views?

Stay in touch. We are here for you.


Ann Maree

Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
September 22, 2013, 09:58

Hi nj,

Welcome to F2B. As Ann Maree has said you are certainly come to the right place. I encourage you to read the stories on this site, I think you will find you can relate or other's have similar experiences as yours. I agree with Ann Maree, get in contact with Ben.

As a mother of a gay son, I fully support and accept him for who he is. We have been to several F2B meetings and find everyone is very accepting and friendly. Feel free to PM me if you feel I could offer any support for your parents, or if they just wish to chat to a parent that has also come from a Christian background and was heavily involved in church.

You can be Christian and gay, be strong, draw on the support you can get to at this time. Know you are not alone 🙂

God Bless

Joined in 2013
September 22, 2013, 18:54

Thank you both for the fast replies 🙂

I turn 19 on Wednesday. I would say my parents are definitely closed to almost all outside input. I've tried showing them useful links that I find on the Internet (including my then-local PFLAG chapter in the US) but they aren't interested. To be honest I've stopped trying to convince them of anything…

Can you explain a little further how exactly someone can reconcile being gay and Christian? I don't feel at all able to come out at Church let alone be comfortable with it. With no disrespect to your post, I think a big part of me is holding on to the hope that I can change and I'm having a really rough time getting rid of that…. But at the same time I'm here. So I'm open to anything and everything you have to say. I'm just really… Lost. Would it mean leaving my Church? Or my family? I want to study next year so I really don't want to jeopardize that….

A lot of my questions might be answered in the topics you suggested so apologies if this is covered in other posts. I'll have a read through this evening and post back my thoughts.

Thank you for the suggestion to contact Ben, I'll do that tonight.

Thanks again so much.


Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
September 22, 2013, 20:57

Hi Nj,

My name is Ben and I live in Sydney too.

Like you, I also went through 'ex-gay'/conversion therapy. I went through two 60-day 'ex-gay' programs as well as a year of reparative therapy. I know first hand how damaging these types of therapy and programs can be. I don't believe that anybody changes their sexual orientation and attempts to do so can cause more harm than good. I would like to encourage you to read a bit of my story on my blog –

You can also watch my story which aired on The Project on YouTube here –

I have managed to reconcile my faith and sexual orientation and am now a very happy gay Christian. Freedom2b played a huge part in my journey. My relationship with God is better now than it was before I came out and I found a welcoming church. Even my parents have come a long way and are now very supportive. They can also be seen in the YouTube video. There is HOPE! Don't give up!

If you parents need someone to talk to, my parents are happy to have a chat? And if you would ever like to catch up for coffee or come along to a freedom2b meeting then just let me know. I'd be more than happy to. 🙂

Hope you have a great week and please contact me at [email protected] if you need anything.

Kind regards,


Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
September 23, 2013, 07:58

Hi nj,

There are some resources on this link that might help you.

My son (who started the above post) wrote an assay, which is included in the above link, when he was working through many of the questions you have asked. He has posted it here in the hope it will help other people as they work through these issues, like yourself. He explains how he also tried to change and be straight etc. Like you he found this forum and got a great deal of support from this group.

My heart goes out to you, it's a difficult time. There is no reason for you to leave home, leave church etc. My son worked through all this on his own (with the support of F2B) on the quiet. I had no idea, he was living at home at the time, went to Uni etc. Through this forum you can work through the issues and questions you have asked without having to involve your parents or the church.

As you start to accept and love yourself. As you become confident and happy in who you are, it will be easier for your parents to accept you just the way you are. 🙂

Joined in 2005
September 23, 2013, 11:31

Hi nj

Thanks for posting

Many of us have been through similar journeys so we can relate – in some form or other. While it might not seem so now – I can tell you – things will get better.

All our Journeys are different. For me I needed to leave home to be able to get the space I needed to "find myself" – but it took me some time to do that (mid 20's). Eventually my parents accepted my sexuality – and my partner – and my father even proof read my partners PhD for him and now calls him his second son – but that took a number of years.

I believe its perfectly possible to reconcile christiantiy and same sex attraction and there are actually various ways to do so. Most men who are same sex attracted are born that way. There are multiple studies that show that even though the studies indicate there are multiple biological pathways to cause homosexuality (which is itself interesting because it suggests God really did design it so that there would ALWAYS be a certain percentage of gays)

People have already posted links to various discussions on here – and if you have specific questions – we are more than happy to discuss them .

One thing to be clear about – is no matter how well intentioned your Parents are, and the paster – and the psychologist is in the USA – Conversion therapy HAS BEEN banned in states in the USA for a reason –

Most major psychological and psychiatric bodies have issued statements noting that conversion therapy can be harmful – for example – here says " concluded that efforts to change sexual orientation are unlikely to be successful and involve some risk of harm"

and in australia here " As a general principle, a therapist should not determine the goal of treatment either coercively or through subtle influence. …… This literature not only ignores the impact of social stigma in motivating efforts to cure homosexuality, it is a literature that actively stigmatises homosexuality as well. ‘Reparative’ therapy literature also tends to overstate the treatment’s accomplishments while neglecting any potential risks to patients."

Joined in 2005
September 23, 2013, 14:00

Now to drill down a little further on your question "how exactly someone can reconcile being gay and Christian"

I wanted to note that the bible is actually quite a complex book

People talk about "the bible" but in fact there are several bibles. There is the catholic bible and the protestant bible for a start (and a few others – less common but still official canon for long standing churches of millions of people such as the Ethiopian Orthodox Church)

The differences are to do with history and translation – and whether they used hebrew or greek manuscripts to translate from. ( Its actually a very interesting study in its own right – for example – there was a bible published in 1631 – which was meant to be a reprint of the King James – but which had a printing error – and which said

"Thou SHALT commit adultery"

Obviously it never entered canon – BUT if you had a copy today – its worth a small fortune !)

More importanly – of course are the debates over meanings etc.

Politics has played no small part in bible translations (and in fact still do)

So there are some principles that are worth (I believe) in applying in biblical exegesis.

One is – One needs to be consistant with how one interprets text.

If one dismisses some verses because they talk about slavery or mixing fibres – then one needs to be consistant about what you dismiss.

One needs to be very careful about reading into definitions things that aren there in the original. The classis is to see the word immorality – and then to say – I think Homosexuality is immoral – and therefore when the bible says immoraliry = thats what the writer meant. What needs to be done – is to try to understand – not what we want the bible to say – but what the writer was actually saying (and thats not easy – and requres a lot of work – because it requires – looking at how that same (original word in the original language) used was used elsewhere around the same time)

So classic case is the word Arsenokoites. People will tell you it means Homosexuals but in fact – we have found it in only 77 ancient manuscipts. In the secular world – the debate is still raging as to what the word means – but we do know it doesnt mean homosexual because John the Faster uses as follows – "In fact, many men even commit the sin of arsenokoitia with their wives". So – what ever the sin is – a married couple can commit it. (He even says they can commit it with their mothers actually !) and so its DEFINATELY not homosexuality.

However – the secular study of the bible tends to be way ahead of the theological study because secular scholars only care about accuracy of the translations. They dont really care what the theological (or political) implications are of such changes. So even though we now know that arsenokoites is definately NOT homosexualty – theologians – are resistant – because the implication is to remove one of the very few planks propping up the anti gay message and theologians resist change (they fought hard against a round earth (because daniel talks about the 4 corners of the earth) and they fought hard – many of them against the repeal of slavery. Theology is no guarantee of being right. In fact the established Church has a long history of being on the wrong side of progress ( although often there have been a small number of church members – growing in time – fighting for justice in those cases as now also)

My point about the different versions of the bible was that in order to interpret it – you need to understand it.

For example – many people believe the number of the mark of the Beast (in revelations) is 666. However there is good evidence that in fact the actual number (which refers to the name – of Emperer Nero) was in fact 616. For example – the Codex Ephraemi Rescriptus and Papyrus 115 – both amongst the earliest manuscript copies we have BOTH use 616. (I use that as an easy example of how Translaters can choose – 616 or 666 depending which one they preferred – and in fact 666 won out – not because it was more accurate – the evidence is that 616 is the original – but 666 – being a triangular number – was more elegant and appealed more)

so my point is

When you seriously study the scriptures – – really study them – and study them to understand what the writers were trying to say – rather than what we want them to be saying – its actually not so hard to reconcile our sexuality with our faith.

Joined in 2011
September 23, 2013, 17:19

Hi nj

I can hear and feel your pain and confusion. I am praying for you.

I am a lesbian and a Christian. I am welcomed, accepted, loved and respected in my church. It is possible to reconcile your sexuality and your faith and to still be part of a church. So hang in there and don't give up hope. Keep on looking for answers and ask God to reveal the truth of his unconditional love for you.


Joined in 2013
October 9, 2013, 23:10

Thank you everyone for your generous and considered replies.

It's been a really rough few weeks so I haven't had time to fully digest your posts, I'll spend some time over the next day or two looking through and get back to you.

I really appreciate all of your help and support.

N x

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