Hi Lockyergal

This is a really tough situation. You obviously still love your partner, but a genuine partnership must ultimately be based on reciprocity.

The very nature of depression is that it is de-energising and de-motivating. However, only your partner can make the initial steps on the road to recovery, and you cannot force her to take those steps. You can encourage and nurture, but you cannot force.

If your partner is depressed, it would be good if she was willing to link to support services such as psychologists and other counsellors, and to groups for people with depression and/or other mental illness. You might ask your partner to join you at an initial meeting with a counsellor – asking for no more commitment than to attend that one session, to see what it is like and whether she likes the counsellor.

There are also some terrific self-help books, such as 'The Mindfulness & Acceptance Workbook for Depression' by Kirk Strosahl and Patricia Robinson.

At the end of the day, however, you must make decisions for yourself. You might state to your partner that you need to see evidence of her taking steps towards recovery in order for you to stay in the relationship.

If you conclude that you must leave, leave with compassion for your partner, and compassion for yourself.

Alan

My work colleagues are vey supportive Both my partner and myself started going back to church

I spoke to the new minister's wife

Everyone is giving me similar advice as this wonderful community

Big vitrual hug

I have booked an appointment with relationships australia for the both of us next tuesday

She said Yes. Hopefully she will come and something positive will result

Please pray for that

I am stopping giving her any physical contact until Tuesday

I feel like her carer. Since she is dependant on me, I stopped making breakfast for her and cook only what I need

I am treating her as a housemate as this is what it is.

She is doing everything to avoid any physical contact

Tuesday is the last straw

Hi Lockyer Girl

A very tough situation and one which reminds me of a quote from the Lord of the rings (hey Im a geek)

"And it is also said," answered Frodo: " 'Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.' " Its also said about me ! So wouldnt want to advise on the correct path for you.

However – I have sought some advice from those who I think might have value to advise on this situation and in addition to whats on this thread – – which I would agree with – I can also pass on recommendations for some books

'too bad to stay, too good to leave' by Mira Kirshenbaum which may be helpful to help you to decide on a course of action

and

The seven principles for making marriage work' by John Gottman for advice on how to make it work if she decides to try to continue to invest (with a caveat that it is a very straight centric book. His research is only on straight couples but Im assured is still useful).

One final observation "I have been to psychologist who said I should go and find another woman" seems a little unusual to me. I am not a professional in the field – and I am MORE than willing to stand corrected on this – but I would think it would be more usual for them to help you work through to a solution you are happy with rather than dictate a solution.

Hi to all you wonderful people

I do not know how I would have coped without your support

My partner and I went to Relationships Australia

she said that she gave up sex because some doctor told her that she has to be careful during sex

Of course he assumed she was straight and did not ask her sexuality

This fear has paralysed her to such an extent that she sits and does nothing

She has gained lots of weight

Please pray that she will overcome this fear

Perfect love casts out fear

God is love

Hi Shadow Boxer

Good point.

Lockyergal, another possibility is that sometimes we misinterpret things and hold onto those misinterpretations rather than face the fears that may be lurking beneath. Perhaps seeing a good psychosexual female doctor at a sexual health clinic or family planning centre might be helpful for your partner. Relationships Australia is a good start but I believe your partner could also do with a coordinated approach that includes medical, mental health and sexual health as well as the relationship work.

Blessings,

Ann Maree