Welcome Jayden… I will let others make some comments about your same sex attraction… but I wanted to welcome you to this forum, and I trust that as people respond to your questions and confusion… that somehow, things will become clearer.

Sounds like your life so far really sux, and it is little wonder you are confused.

Big hugs for your grief and guilt about your brother’s death… sometime, it would be good to get some professional help to help you work this one out… in fact, I think that is a good idea anyway… but you need to find someone who can let you explore the sexuality thing as well… in a frank, open and non judgemental way.

(((((Jayden)))))

ammi

Hi Jaydenthomas

Welcome to our site!

I’m so sorry to hear of your sad history with the abuse and loss of your brother. :((

I agree with ammi’s suggestion of seeking professional support to explore these themes and to disentangle them from each other. You’re associating your brother’s loss with abuse that was not your fault. Also it’s a common part of grieving to have those ‘what ifs’ and to blame ourselves when we lose someone close to us. It’s also common for children who are survivors of sexual abuse to blame themselves for the abuse. They take in the abuse as if they caused it which is completely false. You did not cause it but an abuser can make you feel like you did. Counselling can help you gain some much needed separation from that and to put the responsibility back to the perpetrator where it belongs. And also with surviving an accident where there was a fatality, those left behind offer suffer terrible ‘survivor guilt’.

Re whether your abuse has caused you to have feelings toward other guys, this is also something to be explored with a non judgmental counsellor who will not try and sway you either way. I understand that you don’t want the attractions and that you possibly associate them with your abuse, however the abuse may not be the cause. Try and be with those who are kind and don’t have an agenda. This site is a good place to start with that.

Keep talking to us. We are here for you. And thanks for being brave and sharing a little about yourself.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

thanks jaywoods 🙂

hope to know few people from here

Welcome to F2B, Jaydenthomas, and thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us. You have definitely had a rough time, and even through it all, you are a survivor. I can’t begin to imagine how you coped with your father’s sexual abuse, and his betrayal, and then to lose your brother so tragically in a car accident, as you both tried to escape to a safe place together. 🙁

I suppose blaming your feelings towards guys on your sexual abuse as a child, is a very natural response to ‘living’ with this attraction. Ultimately, this is something that you could explore with a counsellor. But then there are a lot of people, who are attracted to someone of the same sex, who have not suffered from sexual abuse.

Like you, I tried to remove my gay feelings & attraction for guys, and I also felt for a long time that it was something that God wanted me to experience, because he put it into my life like a ‘task’ or ‘burden’, and then would miraculously remove from me – I just had to be patient and have enough faith. I was also afraid that I would be alone and never really understand why – that somehow, I may have been given these ‘gay’ feelings, and I would be left alone to cope with it all by myself. :~

Fortunately, I have come a long way since I thought and felt those things. :bigsmile: :bigsmile:

The best thing about F2B is that you will find so many people here, who will really understand how you feel about the ‘gay’ feelings and attraction, or have thought and acted like you have done. We are probably all at different parts of our journey to knowing what it is that we want to do or how we want to live our lives. 🙂 🙂