confused and trying to do ex gay thing =(

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joshua thomas
Joined in 2011
March 8, 2011, 12:12

welll ummm i think this is best place to put this…..

well my names jayden im 22 and ive been trying for the past year to remove my gay feelings and attractions to guys, for the most part im ok with it because of what i believe god wants, but i cant help but feel like its a task that will never work out and ill be left lonely and confused forever, and i dont know if i can really trust to tell people that i dont know if i can keep trying to hide what i feel towards guys and then i heard about this site and just wondered if there is a chance i could find support and work out what it is i truly want to do when it comes to same sex attarction.

ummmm for many years ive blamed my feelings towards guys on the fact i was sexualy abused by my father from age 9-12 and then i told my brother what was happening and that night i told him he tryed to run away with me to keep me safe, but he ended up diying in the car crash that night i lived and he didnt and i hate myself to this day about it, and i feel like all this is the course of me liking guys and leaves me so confused =(

thank you for listening

Joined in 2011
March 8, 2011, 15:53

Welcome Jayden… I will let others make some comments about your same sex attraction… but I wanted to welcome you to this forum, and I trust that as people respond to your questions and confusion… that somehow, things will become clearer.

Sounds like your life so far really sux, and it is little wonder you are confused.

Big hugs for your grief and guilt about your brother’s death… sometime, it would be good to get some professional help to help you work this one out… in fact, I think that is a good idea anyway… but you need to find someone who can let you explore the sexuality thing as well… in a frank, open and non judgemental way.



joshua thomas
Joined in 2011
March 8, 2011, 19:52

thanks for the reply. i want to make one thing clear im not against being gay “hence why i joined” just in case it sounde like that in my post. i would really like to know how other christians have delt with this so i may work out what to do with these feelings.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 8, 2011, 20:50

Hi Jaydenthomas

Welcome to our site!

I’m so sorry to hear of your sad history with the abuse and loss of your brother. :((

I agree with ammi’s suggestion of seeking professional support to explore these themes and to disentangle them from each other. You’re associating your brother’s loss with abuse that was not your fault. Also it’s a common part of grieving to have those ‘what ifs’ and to blame ourselves when we lose someone close to us. It’s also common for children who are survivors of sexual abuse to blame themselves for the abuse. They take in the abuse as if they caused it which is completely false. You did not cause it but an abuser can make you feel like you did. Counselling can help you gain some much needed separation from that and to put the responsibility back to the perpetrator where it belongs. And also with surviving an accident where there was a fatality, those left behind offer suffer terrible ‘survivor guilt’.

Re whether your abuse has caused you to have feelings toward other guys, this is also something to be explored with a non judgmental counsellor who will not try and sway you either way. I understand that you don’t want the attractions and that you possibly associate them with your abuse, however the abuse may not be the cause. Try and be with those who are kind and don’t have an agenda. This site is a good place to start with that.

Keep talking to us. We are here for you. And thanks for being brave and sharing a little about yourself.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2010
March 9, 2011, 09:56

I can’t imagine the guilt one could place on themselves when they feel a random break away leads to such tragedy. Jayden, this could have happened to anybody, I am so sorry for your loss.

The key is that you need to dis tangle those events from what your sexuality is. A lot plays into who one is and it is not all reliant on environment and life experience alone. Much of life, especially in regards to sexual orientation, is made up of genetics. I think taking the advice of the previous comments as well as keeping this in mind is extremely important for you to do.

The best of wishes to you and welcome to the forum! It is one of the best most genuine forums out there.

joshua thomas
Joined in 2011
March 9, 2011, 12:21

thanks jaywoods 🙂

hope to know few people from here

Joined in 2006
March 9, 2011, 19:47

🙂 Jayden

Just to reiterate what other people have said . I was probably about the same age that you are now – just a bit younger than you when my brother died suddenly and without warning . And yes I felt guilty because he died because he had a minor disability and my life continued on . What happened was completely random .

So I understand your sense of loss . What I would encourage you to do as other people have said is to get professional help and to reach out to your friends and to the people who can support you . I can’t give you any advice about your sexuality but you are not being punished and you have done nothing wrong .

You are a very young man and you have your whole life ahead of you . Best wishes Smith

Joined in 2007
March 10, 2011, 21:43

Welcome to F2B, Jaydenthomas, and thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story with us. You have definitely had a rough time, and even through it all, you are a survivor. I can’t begin to imagine how you coped with your father’s sexual abuse, and his betrayal, and then to lose your brother so tragically in a car accident, as you both tried to escape to a safe place together. 🙁

I suppose blaming your feelings towards guys on your sexual abuse as a child, is a very natural response to ‘living’ with this attraction. Ultimately, this is something that you could explore with a counsellor. But then there are a lot of people, who are attracted to someone of the same sex, who have not suffered from sexual abuse.

Like you, I tried to remove my gay feelings & attraction for guys, and I also felt for a long time that it was something that God wanted me to experience, because he put it into my life like a ‘task’ or ‘burden’, and then would miraculously remove from me – I just had to be patient and have enough faith. I was also afraid that I would be alone and never really understand why – that somehow, I may have been given these ‘gay’ feelings, and I would be left alone to cope with it all by myself. :~

Fortunately, I have come a long way since I thought and felt those things. :bigsmile: :bigsmile:

The best thing about F2B is that you will find so many people here, who will really understand how you feel about the ‘gay’ feelings and attraction, or have thought and acted like you have done. We are probably all at different parts of our journey to knowing what it is that we want to do or how we want to live our lives. 🙂 🙂

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
March 31, 2011, 21:57

hi Jayden….so glad you found us and connecting here with others who can offer support.

For some of us there are additional layers on top of the issue of resolving the issue of our sexuality….for some it is culture…some a christian belief system….some sexual abuse……some family issues…..some HIV+……

the more layers the more complex it is to unravel.

Not sure that helps……but at least you know you are not the only one.

hope you feel supported here.

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