Hi Darren….welcome.

A/S/L? you may need to explain that for some people on the forum.

here is something I wrote last year that might be helpful. this is about options of resolving your christian belief system with the percieved conflict with your sexulality. let me know what you think.

RESOLUTION OPTIONS

There are several ways people can resolve the dissonance.

1. Live in denial – denial is never a healthy option but for some it is their way of coping. The subconscious belief that they are going to go to hell often still exists.

2. Reject previous beliefs – and think that you were originally deceived or brainwashed.

3. Adopt new beliefs – become a Buddhist, New Ager or adopt some other belief system.

4. Redefine beliefs – I still believe in a God but not hell or I believe in a God that loves everyone equally. The bible verses have been interpreted without a clear understanding of the historical and cultural contexts. Reading the original languages instead of just the verses in English can also shed new light.

5. Put beliefs on hold – this is what I did for 6 years as there were a 1,000 questions in my mind that I had no way of answering. It was different from denial in that I consciously choose to put my beliefs on hold for the time being.

6. Suspend your belief system – when you chose to do this you don’t have to reject the previous belief system outright but it creates a space so you can look at other possibilities.

7. Hold several beliefs at once – this is a useful strategy that only a few have been able to develop especially if your worldview consists totally of black/white and right/wrong

PS…I’ve just emailed you the entire 6 page doc.

Hi there Darren, Trevor here. 34 years old just to give you some idea. “Came out” at age 33…

I feel like ‘growing up’ is all about discovering identity. And I’d tend to go with Sandy, in that a lot of it is already there, not something to be constructed from the outside.

There are choices to be made, to be for sure. But those choices are primarily about listening to your ‘inner self’ and deciding whether, and how, you are going to allow aspects of your personality to be expressed to the outside world.

Whether or not you are ‘out’ is one obvious example, but there are a myriad others. Now that I am ‘out’, I find that I have all sorts of other decisions I have to make, or have made, or am in the process of making. Decisions about what I’m looking for in a relationship, what I am and am not prepared to do sexually, and who with, and when.

Even being ‘questioning’ is a decision you’ve made: to acknowledge, to certain people, that perhaps you’re not heterosexual. That’s part of your identity. There are plenty of guys out there who would never be able to talk about any feelings they’ve ever had for other guys.

I can definitely understand what you mean about intensely questioning all your beliefs and values. I think that, once you realise that one assumption about yourself (and indeed, people in general) is/might be wrong, the only honest thing is to examine all the other assumptions as well. That DOESN’T mean all your beliefs and values will change. Some might.

Personally I’m still going through that process. I don’t know if people ever stop, once they start! To me, once you’re aware that not everything is as it first seems, it might just set you up for a lifetime of living an examined life. Some things will get resolved (for me, my homosexuality is a firmly answered question), but there will always be something else that crops up and needs to be examined. We ain’t perfect.

Oh, and I’ve also learnt in the last 18 months that gay men come in all personality types, from ‘quite stereotypical’ to ‘wouldn’t have picked it in a million years’. And so do Christians, for that matter.

can I get points too for using ‘consolidation’ in my topic heading

Sure, why not? 😆

The dissonance thing was a friendly stab at AVB because he’s always going on about how academic writing is over his head and bogs him down… cheap talk coming from a man who uses dissonance in everyday life don’t you think? 😆 We are always far smarter than we think we are, its just a matter of believing it.

You taught consumer behaviour at TAFE? That’s awesome Anthony! 😀 Your a very well-rounded man.

I tell my dad all the time that the stereotypes were insititutionalised at a time when they were needed, more or less. Today, they aren’t as predominant because society is more accepting and “like-minded gays” can be easily sought out. Therefore, it is not necessasry to shop 24/7, to wear hideously feminine colours or to put on moisturiser… As per usual I get ignored though… no one listens to the girl that wore curtains to class. 😆 😆 😆

Great to have you back by the way 😉

I’m sorry… did I misread or did you just refer to yourself as a bunny? 😆 😆

Wow… I guess I never thought much about what you had done besides ministry… both past and present… I’ll have to eat my words one day and admit life coaching is probably halfway worthwhile given your very impressive track record. Whats your conversion rate for calls on anti-therapy, denial ridden, perfectionist, gay women? 😆 Oh, no sorry… I forgot, Anthony Venn Brown sets out to convert no one! 😉 Ah I could go on all day… 😆 😆

In terms of trumpet blowing I’m all for it frankly esepically if you sell your services… uh in like a totally legal non-prostitution kind of way… you need to engage in a bit of shameless self-promotion.