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Joined in 2005
March 17, 2012, 13:49

I just deleted my recent post.

It was basically a re-telling of my story & I have already told my story, so felt like I was just "taking up space" & being selfish by reposting something that's already been said, just in a different way.

There are others here who need to tell their stories & need support more than I do.

My story has been told, there is no need to re-tell it.

Joined in 2011
March 17, 2012, 17:15

Hi Brunski

How are things going for you? (long time no posting!!)

Entirely up to you as to whether you share your story or not. I wouldn't however, see the sharing of your story or even the re telling of your story as "taking up space" or as "being selfish".

Before I wrote a word on this site I had read and re read the stories of many others – which gave me tremendous comfort and strength in knowing that I was not a lone ship.

I too, at times toss over my own motives for sharing on a forum such as this – I can relate to feeling that others may need more support than I do. However, I have come to realise that for me (and maybe for you too) there are many layers in sharing ones own truth, questions and struggles with a supportive community – many of whom have been through very similar questions and challenges. One of those layers is that the very act of writing – of putting your thoughts down in writing can be quite trasnformative and healing in and of itself.

Another layer is that for many who have the dual struggle of being GLBTI and a person of faith is that this often involves being silenced. Maybe a self imposed silence, maybe silenced by the church,silenced by judgement, silenced by misundersatnding, silenced by fear… so how liberating to have a space here where we don't need to be silenced!

I have also found that the insights and wisdom offered by others on the site to me and indeed to others has really helped me in a number of ways. Sometimes I go a bit mad tossing things through my own mind – so sharing on the site and receiving some input has been quite healing.

I say this Brunski as a way of saying – if you get to a saturday afternoon, wishing to tell your story, re tell or tell yet again – then do so. It may be just what you or others need you to do.

You look after yourself.

sarab 🙂

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 17, 2012, 19:30

Hi Brunski

It's always good to get an update from yourself and others so feel free to do that and add to your story as you feel comfortable.

sarab makes some great points too. We can sometimes get to the essence of our situation by re-telling our story or seeing it from another point of view. 🙂


Ann Maree

Joined in 2005
March 17, 2012, 23:10

Hi Guys, yes Sarab & Ann Maree, its been a while since I have posted. Oh and its now Saturday night, almost 10:30pm, so I wont be reposting my story, maybe tomorrow or next week.

It was basically something I posted on facebook just a way of expressing to one my gay friends who has been annoying and judging me for "not supporting gay rights" and "not coming out to your family" because he recently did, the difference there is he parents are in CHINA!! not Australia, He says he needs to stand up for himself & for all the gay people in the world. He needs to be true to himself and other "and so do you"

I shared my story using the illustration of "a boy" starting with "picture this if you can. A boy grows up in a conservative family & all of his life he has been told over and over again by his parents and friends that homosexuality is wrong, its evil, sinful, an abomination before God. Homosexuals are repulsive, vile creatures …. & went on telling my story. At the end, I wrote, "that boy was me! yes, I am gay! there I said it …

that may come as a surprise to some, some may be shocked and horrified. While others will say "I always knew you were gay" or "I thought you may have been gay" and my gay friends will say "tell me something I don't know" 🙂 Some may now "unfriend"me on FB others will abuse me & others will no longer be my friend not only on FB but also in the "real world".

I said a few other things & ended with "all I can now do is hope that, people will not judge me especially, my Christian friends and those of whom I go to church with.

I got a few "likes" some from people whom I never expected would "like" others told me that I was brave and an inspirational person. Many were sad for the hurt I had experienced. I went into the whole ex-gay, exorcisms, force to see psychiatrists and counsellors, given drugs to "cure" it or control it & the suicide attempts & how they played out, what happened and why I had reached that stage where I thought my life was not worth living, how my parents responded …

I was anticipating a few negative comments along the lines of Homosexuality is a Sin. I love you as a brother, but I hate what you do … actually, an ex work friend said those very words. I asked him what it was that I was supposedly doing in his opinion that was so wrong. Didn't get a reply. Anyway, I left it on my wall for only 2 days, then freaked out & have since deleted it, hopefully before any of my Christian friends who go to the same church as me, saw it 🙁 How gutless was that ?

As for me, still have major drama's with Tom yes, I am still with him well, kind of as I rarely see him. A few things have happened recently & I am supposedly going to see him either Mon or Tue when I will tell him ONCE AGAIN that I cant sponsor him & I don't want to lie about the whole living together thing. Or at the very least, that I will not even consider sponsoring him until he can prove to me that he is not here illegally as I suspect. That he needs to show me his visa & he MUST return the money I lent him & if he doesn't then he has NO HOPE IN HELL of continuing this fake relationship. I believe he has been lying to me about many things yeah, yeah you told me so Ann Maree and others. Love is Blind, you know a few days ago he sent me a message which said, "I will not trouble you anymore. I know what I want, sorry to bother you at work" I immediately though that he wanted to end our "relationship" & you would not believe it but I started crying!!! Even now I cant believe I did that!

The mere thought that he would no longer be a part of my life, cut like a knife as we say. How pathetic is that?

I realised then, that either I really do love him or I just need to fill a void within my life, a void that he has been filling. I don't know how thing will go when I do see him, I don't know how I will react or how he will react when I confront him, but I have a picture in my mind of tears running down my face, my heart beating at a million miles an hour … perhaps a similar reaction from him although, I suspect that if there are tears on his part that they will probably crocodile tears. Maybe I am wrong, but either he is a very good liar or he really does love me. Or perhaps, I really am a pathetic human being that repeatedly gets hurt. Repeatedly attempts to "rescue" others, fall's in love way to easily & simply continues to allow himself to get caught up in a web of deception & abuse. That is the story of my gay life to this stage or rather, my gay relationships. Relationships where I am always the one who "falls in love" & gets emotionally attached, when the other rarely does or if he does, its only temporary & he ends up taking advantage of my kind nature and naivety. Although I have only had a very few "relationships" actually, probably no real relationships or at least mutual ones, I always allow myself to get hurt. I always turn the other cheek, always refuse to see & accept the truth before it's too late. And repeatedly allow myself to get hurt. I guess that's all I have even known, abuse, rejection, being taken advantage of, being cast aside when its all over … perhaps, that is why I continue down this track of allowing myself to get hurt even when I know its happening.

Damn it past 11pm, I never expected to write so much, sorry guys. Well, it was good in a way to get all of that off my chest again & this time I am not going to delete it in 2 days 🙂 Thankfully, this is a safe environment where I & others can express their feeling and stories 🙂

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
March 18, 2012, 08:54

Hi Brunski

I thought it was very brave of you to out yourself on facebook. The fact that you took the message off your wall 2 days later is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact it's pretty normal. Anthony Venn Brown likened this kind of thing to "closet hokey pokey". It involves a process of us revealing something huge about ourselves then feeling vulnerable and wanting to change things back to how they were.. so we retract our statement or go back into the closet somehow. Don't beat yourself up about that. These are normal human defences at work. 🙂

Regarding your relationship with Tom: It's understandable that you would feel upset at the thought of him ending the relationship. There's stuff there around rejection and abandonment I'm sure that you'd like to avoid. And even though you know he hasn't been truthful and isn't good for you, he's there in some form and you will miss him. I think the reality is that you've projected a lot onto him and really want to be in relationship so what you're upset about is not so much Tom but the relationship he stands for. Could that be true do you think?

You mentioned about being in non mutual relationships before. Have you ever explored where this comes from, looking at how you were as a child in your family of origin? You don't have to share such personal information here but it might be good to think about or even explore in counselling.

Some time ago I experienced a very painful encounter with a narcissist who chewed me up and spat me out. I decided that I would do everything to ensure that never happened again.. It was only when I started looking more deeply into the dynamics of my childhood and past patterns of relating, especially between myself and my Dad, that I realised my role in more recent relationships. My parents' needs eclipsed mine so I was well trained in allowing others' needs to take precedence over my own. It became automatic that I would consider the other person before myself but this was unbalanced. The outcome was that I under-represented myself in relationships and was therefore vulnerable to non mutual encounters. To remedy that, I became a lot more aware of my feelings and responses when with others, and more assertive in presenting them. It's taken lots of practice to develop that awareness and undo such a longstanding habit but I've had success and others have responded positively. And I've attracted more mutual relationships into my life.

Thanks for sharing, Brunski. You are not alone..and I'm sure many can relate in some way to the predicament you find yourself in.


Ann Maree

Joined in 2005
March 18, 2012, 08:59

Hi Brunski

A few points…..

Firstly – regarding ¨I was just "taking up space" "– I would note that Text takes up little room and CYBERSPACE is big, really big, I mean you might think its a long way down the road to the chemist but thats just peanusts to Cyberspace. It is mindnumbingly enormous (My apologies to Douglas Adams) _ So there is room for you post and more.

Whilst its probably not warranted to post the same story daily (of course) – there are many good reasons for ¨reposting something that's already been said, just in a different way.¨

Firstly – We are all on a Journey through life and we change. Our hopes, our fears, our aspirations, our friends, and our relationship with our friends and of course our actions. If I wrote my story today – it would be VERY different to the one that I posted on the website originally – because I am a different person. (Sometimes I Jokingly say to my partner we are turning into our parents – usually after we grumble about some young driver hooning through traffic. Of course 20 years ago – I was (maybe…hypothetically) the young driver. 🙂

So by retelling your story it helps see how you have changed. When I was younger I used to put aside a day a year and go sit on an inaccessible mountain and spend the day pondering who I was and how I had changed in the last year and where I wanted to go in the following year… and that can be a great thing to do – but telling you story can work in the same way helping you see – how you have changed – and perhaps will help you see where you might want to head.

Secondly – the act of telling the story can be cathartic. Their are incidents in my life that the telling of them are overwhelmingly emotional and the very act of retelling them – causes me physiological reactions. There are times and places where thats appropriate and very helpful. Actually – sometimes writing the letter is helpful without posting it. However bear in mind that many of us can empathise (and sympathise) with your situation.

For example ¨A boy grows up in a conservative family & all of his life he has been told over and over again by his parents and friends that homosexuality is wrong, its evil, sinful, an abomination before God. Homosexuals are repulsive, vile creatures ¨

My parents were the same – i was exorcised for watching TV in several occasions. Rock music (not heavy rock – anything with a beat) was evil because it made you gay (oh… maybe they were right) 😛 and when there was a huge disaster in the world my parents would announce this was Gods punishment to the world for Gays. So – I know and ive been there….and many of us have.

Now – my father (my mother was killed in an accident – one of those emotional incidents in my life) calls my partner to chat to him and before she died my mother commented my partner and I made a good couple.

So in fact – I understand that what may have been important in this case could have been writing the story – rather than posting it – in which case thats fine – but theres plenty of room AND support to go around – at the least – Keep a copy of the story – because you will find it useful / interesting down the track when you are further along your Journey. (Let me know if u want a copy of it just to keep). Sometimes it can be helpful to write letters to people – even if they are never sent (especially if they are never sent) – e.g. to your parents or siblings. That can be useful too – and if you try this keep them because in 20 years they will be interesting and useful reading to you. (Its similar to Journaling actually)

However Posting it – can be helpful too…. when the time is right.


Mother Hen
Joined in 2011
March 18, 2012, 17:34

Hey Brunski, so wonderful to hear from you, I have been wondering how you were going. Wow such fantastic things have been said by everyone already, please take note of everything that has been said, such wonderful points by everyone, dito from me.

Ann Maree made a point about looking at her past relationships, her role in them and realised she put other’s needs, desires, wants before herself. Well Ann Maree that was me too, it was unbalanced and unhealthy way to have relationships, for me anyway. This was especially true with my parents. I had to learn to start putting my needs forward and part of that was learning some boundaries which I have already talked to you about. One tip I learnt when having to say things to others (mother) that was difficult for me was to write it down in point form and refer to it if needed to make sure I stayed on track and covered what I needed to say, maybe this will help you with Tom. The thought of Tom not being in your life is causing distress; this is grief and is a normal and natural part of any relationship ending, even unhealthy ones.

Two things really hit me when I read your post, one was that there was a need for you to write what you were feeling, thinking, going through, a need to reach out to other’s who could understand and offer you support. Phil and Sarab have covered some really good points about how writing can be healing, and about the idea of writing a letter to someone and even not posting it. Putting words onto paper has the amazing ability to help heal and help get out what we are feeling and thinking, say whatever it is we need to say, say things we aren’t game to say to others. I know of someone who would write a letter to people who had hurt them and then burn them. It offered healing and some closure for that person.

For some people re telling their story is needed, but every time it’s told from a different perspective (as Phil mentioned) at a slightly different place in time. It’s a bit like peeling an onion, one layer at a time, same onion but every time a layer comes off you get closer to the centre, to the core of the issue. For instance there could be some really deep hurt or trauma in a person’s life, to go straight to that event would be way too painful and traumatic for that person, so bit by bit they peel off, an event, a hurt, a part of their life that slowly brings them closer to that core issue. The time frame is different for everyone, there is no right or wrong, it takes a long as it takes.

The second thing that really stood out was when you posted your story on Facebook (well done by the way) you had some wonderful show of support, likes, encouragement and acceptance by their actions of doing a “like” they were showing you this. There were words of empathy and compassion. You were pleasantly surprised by some of the responses you got yet it seems you focused on the negative response. When you write you can be so positive, focussing on the good things in your life but then it quickly turns negative. I’m trying to be really careful here, please don’t get me wrong if you are having a bad day, or going through some rough times then it’s great to reach out to people and to say so. I’ve offered you many words of support, encouragement and praise, I’ve often said how brave and courageous you are but you push that away, rejecting those positive words and come back with negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. I don’t think for one min you are alone in this, many people who have been told negative things about themselves, like you are fat, you are worthless, gays are an abomination, etc etc. I don’t think I need to go on you get what I am saying with the negative comments people can say to us. When I was growing up, from things said to me I felt like I was dumb, (just one of the many negative things I thought about myself). It took a long time of positive comments from my husband and other’s before I realised I wasn’t. I never took a complement very well, I had to learn to just take it and say thank you, no ifs, no butt’s.

Even though the negative comments and things that have happened in our life have a massive influence on how we think and feel about ourselves it is also a choice. We can choose to think more positive about ourselves, our circumstances, our abilities, our life. We can choose to stop associating with people who have a negative impact on our lives, people who are VDP’s, Very Draining People, they suck the life out of you. We can choose to be around VIP, Very Inspiring People, people who uplift us, energise us, and make us feel better about ourselves. You can start with yourself, every morning look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself, (don’t follow it up with a negative comment). Write down some positive affirmations and say them out loud. If you get a negative thought about yourself push it aside and think about your good points, focus on your strengths.

I hope what I am saying is ok, you have a lot of support and love here Brunski :). Sometimes that support comes in words that you might not want to hear but need too.

I’m sorry this has turned out so long.

You are a wonderful, beautiful, courageous person. I can tell from your comments with Tom you are also a caring, loving, generous, selfless man. You deserve so many wonderful things in your life. A life filled with love, joy, peace and happiness.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God Bless

Joined in 2005
March 18, 2012, 18:13

Hi Ann Maree & Shadowboxer,

Yeah, to be totally honest, I surprised myself by "outing" myself on facebook, at that point in time, I was feeling pretty desperate & getting tired of one or two friends having a go at me for "not supporting the gay movement" & "not supporting your own people" & "not being man enough to come out to you parents" so I just ranted on about why it is so hard to come out to my parents & in the processed shared my story.

I love the "closet hokey pokey" description Ann (may I call you Ann, or shall I stick with Ann Maree?) 😉

You said; "Regarding your relationship with Tom: It's understandable that you would feel upset at the thought of him ending the relationship" I guess so …

you also said; "And even though you know he hasn't been truthful and isn't good for you, he's there in some form and you will miss him. I think the reality is that you've projected a lot onto him and really want to be in relationship so what you're upset about is not so much Tom but the relationship he stands for. Could that be true do you think?"

I agree with the first part "he is there in some form and you will miss him" he is there for me in some way or another, even if its not as much as I would like him to be & I certainly will miss him. Just as I missed the other guy who used, abused & left me to find himself a "sugar daddy" in my "relationship" before the "relationship" that I am currently in.

Yes, I really do want to be in a relationship, of some sort.

I agree Shadowboxer that our journeys change as time goes by, our lives change & we change. "Our hopes, our fears, our aspirations, our friends, and our relationship with our friends and of course our action". Perhaps, I will repost my story … we will see 🙂

"Sometimes it can be helpful to write letters to people – even if they are never sent (especially if they are never sent) – e.g. to your parents or siblings. That can be useful too – and if you try this keep them because in 20 years they will be interesting and useful reading to you. (Its similar to Journaling actually)" I totally agree, I have always found writing helpful & I tend to express myself a better when I put "pen to paper"

As for writing letters to people, even if they are never sent, I wrote a letter to my parents (I think I posted it on here) I'm having a seniors moment 🙂 I had kept a copy for a while, but I think I may have deleted it 🙁 thinking that at the end of the day, they, my parents don't really need to know & it will only "kill them" at my mother … but who knows?

I am due to meet up with Tom on Tuesday and shall keep you informed, Ann Maree 🙂

Joined in 2010
April 10, 2012, 09:53


Everyones' story is unique. I have learnt so much reading other peoples' stories. I hope all is well with you

Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
April 18, 2012, 11:03

we created the forum for people to take up space …connect and share their stories.

there was a time when basically only mine story was out in the public space…… longer……we have well over 200 here now……YEAH!

……and the more people add to their stories the better so people can read the progress……it is a journey for all of us…..some over many many years. Hopefully sharing here is reducing the time for others to resolve things……and of course to no longer feel alone.

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