Hi Brunski

How are things going for you? (long time no posting!!)

Entirely up to you as to whether you share your story or not. I wouldn't however, see the sharing of your story or even the re telling of your story as "taking up space" or as "being selfish".

Before I wrote a word on this site I had read and re read the stories of many others – which gave me tremendous comfort and strength in knowing that I was not a lone ship.

I too, at times toss over my own motives for sharing on a forum such as this – I can relate to feeling that others may need more support than I do. However, I have come to realise that for me (and maybe for you too) there are many layers in sharing ones own truth, questions and struggles with a supportive community – many of whom have been through very similar questions and challenges. One of those layers is that the very act of writing – of putting your thoughts down in writing can be quite trasnformative and healing in and of itself.

Another layer is that for many who have the dual struggle of being GLBTI and a person of faith is that this often involves being silenced. Maybe a self imposed silence, maybe silenced by the church,silenced by judgement, silenced by misundersatnding, silenced by fear… so how liberating to have a space here where we don't need to be silenced!

I have also found that the insights and wisdom offered by others on the site to me and indeed to others has really helped me in a number of ways. Sometimes I go a bit mad tossing things through my own mind – so sharing on the site and receiving some input has been quite healing.

I say this Brunski as a way of saying – if you get to a saturday afternoon, wishing to tell your story, re tell or tell yet again – then do so. It may be just what you or others need you to do.

You look after yourself.

sarab 🙂

Hi Guys, yes Sarab & Ann Maree, its been a while since I have posted. Oh and its now Saturday night, almost 10:30pm, so I wont be reposting my story, maybe tomorrow or next week.

It was basically something I posted on facebook just a way of expressing to one my gay friends who has been annoying and judging me for "not supporting gay rights" and "not coming out to your family" because he recently did, the difference there is he parents are in CHINA!! not Australia, He says he needs to stand up for himself & for all the gay people in the world. He needs to be true to himself and other "and so do you"

I shared my story using the illustration of "a boy" starting with "picture this if you can. A boy grows up in a conservative family & all of his life he has been told over and over again by his parents and friends that homosexuality is wrong, its evil, sinful, an abomination before God. Homosexuals are repulsive, vile creatures …. & went on telling my story. At the end, I wrote, "that boy was me! yes, I am gay! there I said it …

that may come as a surprise to some, some may be shocked and horrified. While others will say "I always knew you were gay" or "I thought you may have been gay" and my gay friends will say "tell me something I don't know" 🙂 Some may now "unfriend"me on FB others will abuse me & others will no longer be my friend not only on FB but also in the "real world".

I said a few other things & ended with "all I can now do is hope that, people will not judge me especially, my Christian friends and those of whom I go to church with.

I got a few "likes" some from people whom I never expected would "like" others told me that I was brave and an inspirational person. Many were sad for the hurt I had experienced. I went into the whole ex-gay, exorcisms, force to see psychiatrists and counsellors, given drugs to "cure" it or control it & the suicide attempts & how they played out, what happened and why I had reached that stage where I thought my life was not worth living, how my parents responded …

I was anticipating a few negative comments along the lines of Homosexuality is a Sin. I love you as a brother, but I hate what you do … actually, an ex work friend said those very words. I asked him what it was that I was supposedly doing in his opinion that was so wrong. Didn't get a reply. Anyway, I left it on my wall for only 2 days, then freaked out & have since deleted it, hopefully before any of my Christian friends who go to the same church as me, saw it 🙁 How gutless was that ?

As for me, still have major drama's with Tom yes, I am still with him well, kind of as I rarely see him. A few things have happened recently & I am supposedly going to see him either Mon or Tue when I will tell him ONCE AGAIN that I cant sponsor him & I don't want to lie about the whole living together thing. Or at the very least, that I will not even consider sponsoring him until he can prove to me that he is not here illegally as I suspect. That he needs to show me his visa & he MUST return the money I lent him & if he doesn't then he has NO HOPE IN HELL of continuing this fake relationship. I believe he has been lying to me about many things yeah, yeah you told me so Ann Maree and others. Love is Blind, you know a few days ago he sent me a message which said, "I will not trouble you anymore. I know what I want, sorry to bother you at work" I immediately though that he wanted to end our "relationship" & you would not believe it but I started crying!!! Even now I cant believe I did that!

The mere thought that he would no longer be a part of my life, cut like a knife as we say. How pathetic is that?

I realised then, that either I really do love him or I just need to fill a void within my life, a void that he has been filling. I don't know how thing will go when I do see him, I don't know how I will react or how he will react when I confront him, but I have a picture in my mind of tears running down my face, my heart beating at a million miles an hour … perhaps a similar reaction from him although, I suspect that if there are tears on his part that they will probably crocodile tears. Maybe I am wrong, but either he is a very good liar or he really does love me. Or perhaps, I really am a pathetic human being that repeatedly gets hurt. Repeatedly attempts to "rescue" others, fall's in love way to easily & simply continues to allow himself to get caught up in a web of deception & abuse. That is the story of my gay life to this stage or rather, my gay relationships. Relationships where I am always the one who "falls in love" & gets emotionally attached, when the other rarely does or if he does, its only temporary & he ends up taking advantage of my kind nature and naivety. Although I have only had a very few "relationships" actually, probably no real relationships or at least mutual ones, I always allow myself to get hurt. I always turn the other cheek, always refuse to see & accept the truth before it's too late. And repeatedly allow myself to get hurt. I guess that's all I have even known, abuse, rejection, being taken advantage of, being cast aside when its all over … perhaps, that is why I continue down this track of allowing myself to get hurt even when I know its happening.

Damn it past 11pm, I never expected to write so much, sorry guys. Well, it was good in a way to get all of that off my chest again & this time I am not going to delete it in 2 days 🙂 Thankfully, this is a safe environment where I & others can express their feeling and stories 🙂

Hi Brunski

A few points…..

Firstly – regarding ¨I was just "taking up space" "– I would note that Text takes up little room and CYBERSPACE is big, really big, I mean you might think its a long way down the road to the chemist but thats just peanusts to Cyberspace. It is mindnumbingly enormous (My apologies to Douglas Adams) _ So there is room for you post and more.

Whilst its probably not warranted to post the same story daily (of course) – there are many good reasons for ¨reposting something that's already been said, just in a different way.¨

Firstly – We are all on a Journey through life and we change. Our hopes, our fears, our aspirations, our friends, and our relationship with our friends and of course our actions. If I wrote my story today – it would be VERY different to the one that I posted on the website originally – because I am a different person. (Sometimes I Jokingly say to my partner we are turning into our parents – usually after we grumble about some young driver hooning through traffic. Of course 20 years ago – I was (maybe…hypothetically) the young driver. 🙂

So by retelling your story it helps see how you have changed. When I was younger I used to put aside a day a year and go sit on an inaccessible mountain and spend the day pondering who I was and how I had changed in the last year and where I wanted to go in the following year… and that can be a great thing to do – but telling you story can work in the same way helping you see – how you have changed – and perhaps will help you see where you might want to head.

Secondly – the act of telling the story can be cathartic. Their are incidents in my life that the telling of them are overwhelmingly emotional and the very act of retelling them – causes me physiological reactions. There are times and places where thats appropriate and very helpful. Actually – sometimes writing the letter is helpful without posting it. However bear in mind that many of us can empathise (and sympathise) with your situation.

For example ¨A boy grows up in a conservative family & all of his life he has been told over and over again by his parents and friends that homosexuality is wrong, its evil, sinful, an abomination before God. Homosexuals are repulsive, vile creatures ¨

My parents were the same – i was exorcised for watching TV in several occasions. Rock music (not heavy rock – anything with a beat) was evil because it made you gay (oh… maybe they were right) 😛 and when there was a huge disaster in the world my parents would announce this was Gods punishment to the world for Gays. So – I know and ive been there….and many of us have.

Now – my father (my mother was killed in an accident – one of those emotional incidents in my life) calls my partner to chat to him and before she died my mother commented my partner and I made a good couple.

So in fact – I understand that what may have been important in this case could have been writing the story – rather than posting it – in which case thats fine – but theres plenty of room AND support to go around – at the least – Keep a copy of the story – because you will find it useful / interesting down the track when you are further along your Journey. (Let me know if u want a copy of it just to keep). Sometimes it can be helpful to write letters to people – even if they are never sent (especially if they are never sent) – e.g. to your parents or siblings. That can be useful too – and if you try this keep them because in 20 years they will be interesting and useful reading to you. (Its similar to Journaling actually)

However Posting it – can be helpful too…. when the time is right.

Phill

Hi Ann Maree & Shadowboxer,

Yeah, to be totally honest, I surprised myself by "outing" myself on facebook, at that point in time, I was feeling pretty desperate & getting tired of one or two friends having a go at me for "not supporting the gay movement" & "not supporting your own people" & "not being man enough to come out to you parents" so I just ranted on about why it is so hard to come out to my parents & in the processed shared my story.

I love the "closet hokey pokey" description Ann (may I call you Ann, or shall I stick with Ann Maree?) 😉

You said; "Regarding your relationship with Tom: It's understandable that you would feel upset at the thought of him ending the relationship" I guess so …

you also said; "And even though you know he hasn't been truthful and isn't good for you, he's there in some form and you will miss him. I think the reality is that you've projected a lot onto him and really want to be in relationship so what you're upset about is not so much Tom but the relationship he stands for. Could that be true do you think?"

I agree with the first part "he is there in some form and you will miss him" he is there for me in some way or another, even if its not as much as I would like him to be & I certainly will miss him. Just as I missed the other guy who used, abused & left me to find himself a "sugar daddy" in my "relationship" before the "relationship" that I am currently in.

Yes, I really do want to be in a relationship, of some sort.

I agree Shadowboxer that our journeys change as time goes by, our lives change & we change. "Our hopes, our fears, our aspirations, our friends, and our relationship with our friends and of course our action". Perhaps, I will repost my story … we will see 🙂

"Sometimes it can be helpful to write letters to people – even if they are never sent (especially if they are never sent) – e.g. to your parents or siblings. That can be useful too – and if you try this keep them because in 20 years they will be interesting and useful reading to you. (Its similar to Journaling actually)" I totally agree, I have always found writing helpful & I tend to express myself a better when I put "pen to paper"

As for writing letters to people, even if they are never sent, I wrote a letter to my parents (I think I posted it on here) I'm having a seniors moment 🙂 I had kept a copy for a while, but I think I may have deleted it 🙁 thinking that at the end of the day, they, my parents don't really need to know & it will only "kill them" at my mother … but who knows?

I am due to meet up with Tom on Tuesday and shall keep you informed, Ann Maree 🙂

we created the forum for people to take up space …connect and share their stories.

there was a time when basically only mine story was out in the public space……..no longer……we have well over 200 here now……YEAH!

……and the more people add to their stories the better so people can read the progress……it is a journey for all of us…..some over many many years. Hopefully sharing here is reducing the time for others to resolve things……and of course to no longer feel alone.