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Different levels of outness....is there such a thing?

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Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 23, 2011, 14:54

I think it is awesome that a site like this exists that people can come and feel safe and talk freely. 🙂


Well done on a great site.

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 23, 2011, 15:00

I am enjoying this discussion.


As a man who hid in the closet for 41 years…..and now been totally out for the last 20……..I guess i couldn’t be any more out than I am :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:


Being an ambassador for the LGBT community…… writer for the gay press……co founder of freedom 2 b[e]……etc etc etc…..if people haven ‘t figured it out now then they must be pretty dumb. 😉 …..and of course I am a bit of a screamer. lol.


I no longer have a wife and children to hide my sexuality behind.


Occasionally someone like a taxi driver might make a false assumption about my orientation and make a suggestion about what I might like to do to an attractive girl standing on the street.


I ALWAYS correct their false assumptions with a simple statement “No I dont think so…….I am gay. I like guys not girls”.


Is this necessary?

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
May 23, 2011, 19:17

Hi avb


hehe. You make me laugh. And irrespective of orientation, it’s interesting that the taxi driver might assume that someone would want to do something to a girl standing on the street. Not really my style or necessarily that of straight men I know actually. Funny don’t you think?


Blessings,


Ann Maree

Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 23, 2011, 23:16

Hehe…….and they say gay men are gross….. I have met some vile, sleazy, obnoxious straight men…..and they weren’t all taxi drivers….some were married men with teenage children. ;-(



Mr Summit
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2010
May 24, 2011, 01:14

Yeah, you get people like that. They assume that everyone is just a big a sleaze as they are. yuck.


Personally I wouldn’t have made a point of my being gay. Or if I did it would have been by “casually” pointing out a hot guy or something. I think that when it comes to the average Joe, they’ll only make as big a deal of it as you do. But I can see why you might want to correct them. The general consensus amongst people I have talked to seems to be that whenever you feel like you need to keep quiet, that is exactly when you should be forcing yourself out.


I see where this conversation started. My personal preference to keep my name off the forum has nothing to do with how out I am. I just don’t want people to be able to find out all the sordid details by doing a simple Google search. (As long as that’s possible anyway). 🙂



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 24, 2011, 13:08

yep I totally understand Mr Summit…..and respect anyone’s decision to do that. I often have the privilege of coaching people to help them come out….we develop a strategic plan with different levels of disclosure with different people. it makes people feel safer.


Having told all my secrets (addiction, hypocrisy, stupid decisions etc etc) in my autobiography I guess it is much easier for me.


Re the taxi driver type situations………I think I have developed an aversion to people assuming things about me that are not true. I guess that has come from being so tortured in the closet for soooo many years….anything that hints towards that I react against. I lived out of integrity for way to long and it cost me such a price to gain it I won’t allow anyone to rob me of that ever again.


do you think I need therapy on that 😀



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
May 24, 2011, 15:12

Oh you are tempting fate asking that question Anthony :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
May 24, 2011, 15:31

possibly…..hehe

Liz
 
Joined in 2011
June 1, 2011, 10:58

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. As a bi woman with children, it’s pretty easy to ‘pretend’ I’m straight to other straight women. But I feel dishonest if I don’t tell friends…eventually I plan to tell my family, and am in the process of coming out to my friends. Most of my friends are fantastically open minded and accepting of me, and we’ve had a lot of amazing discussions that has led me to get to know them a lot better as well as opening up to them myself. I think the problem (for me at least) in not coming out fully is that it encourages that fear and self deception about who we are that gay people in the closet know so well. Freedom and honesty, though terrifying, are wonderful things! Given that, I don’t think I will be introducing myself to people as ‘Hi, I’m Liz, and I’m bisexual,’ mainly because I’m naturally a bit reserved and don’t spill the beans immediately.


I do have a question I’d like to hear some opinions on….do you think having to hide your sexuality, and the dishonesty we practise on ourselves and others when we do, has made you more reserved, less trusting of others, and less likely to ask for help? Is this a common problem in the LBGT community overall? I’ve noticed both myself and other bi friends have difficulty with this, and are wondering what your experiences are? Did you become more outgoing socially and find it easier to relate to others after you came out, or did you still experience trust issues and shyness? Thanks 🙂 in advance!

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
June 1, 2011, 12:19

Hi seejaneburn


Looking back at the times when I hid my sexuality from significant others, I was definitely more cautious and burdened. Fear of rejection tended to cause me to close off in other areas too.


Coming out definitely allowed me to be free and open up the best of who I am. I no longer had the stress of trying to hide, worrying what others would think. The considerable energy and effort I spent hiding that part of me could now be directed to loving myself and others more fully. This extended to all my relationships and so I became a better person in my love life, friendships, work lilfe and other areas. Coming out meant I no longer had to feel socially restricted when heterosexual people would naturally talk about their partners and children. I had previously changed the subject or panicked about what I would say but didn’t have to do that anymore. It also meant I could be more supportive of others in similar situations to myself while representing the LGBT community in a positive way.


Blessings,


Ann Maree
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