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Feeling so very lost..

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amesylou
 
Joined in 2012
March 8, 2012, 16:34

Thank you everyone for the friendly welcome.


Anne Maree I turned 22 the beginning of Feb this year.


I am actually pretty excited today because I met with a pastor of a church who identify themselves as "Gay/Lesbian friendly" and despite obviously having a range of opinions in the church (as all will) it sounds like a great church for me to check out. He was a really nice guy and it sounds like the pastoral care team at the church are really supportive. I am excited to go see what it is like on Sunday morning :). After meeting him it was the most calm I have felt in months, and afterwards I felt so much more connected with God. I am not sure what did it, but i felt like I could pray… and its been weeks since I have felt any strength to seek after Him. And some of my anger started to subside.


I know I still have so much further to go, and I am still really unsure as to how my feelings will fit into my faith… but I kind of feel like there is some hope there for me… and for a while there, I wasn't sure that was a possibility.


Amy

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
March 8, 2012, 16:45

Wow Amy that is wonderful. It's a really great start. Take one step at a time, you don't have to have all the answers at once. Finding a church like this will allow you that time to explore your situation, take your time. So wonderful it sounds supporting.


God Bless

sarab
 
Joined in 2011
March 8, 2012, 17:17

Good on you Amy – you have taken some really big and brave steps in firstly telling your story here and now having identified a GLBT friendly church. Finding the right church community has ended up being incredibly significant and helpful for me. i hope it ends up being the same for you.

As others have said – this funny old f2be community 🙂 🙂 is a wonderful safe space with very wise and supportive people – so it's wonderful that you have found your way here.

Take care,

Sarab



ShadowBoxer
Moderator
Joined in 2005
March 15, 2012, 13:27

Hi Amy


thats Great news about finding a church and also about being calm


I know that it doesn´t help a lot but if you find your calmness slipping many of us can tell you that these issues that seemed like insurmountable mountain ranges to us at 22 (and I can empathise with being stressed by it all) are now are things I / we take in our stride. And I dont say that to minimise the Journey or what you feel – because I dont – what I am trying to say is – it does get better….


Oh and If you don´t already use it – theres a technique I find VERY helpful when I get stressed – called mindfulness. I can recommend this highly for moments when i lose my calm or get stressed


Phill



amesylou
 
Joined in 2012
March 16, 2012, 21:30

Thanks everyone,

I feel like im on a crazy emotional rollercoaster. One minute im cruising… next minute i feel like im gonna fall to my death from my seat.



Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 17, 2012, 08:55

Hi Amy

A disconcerting as it feels to be on that rollercoaster you described, that's totally normal at this stage, I'm afraid. And on top of that, you're only 22.. I found I experienced a lot more angst in my 20s and then things improved as I got older. As shadow boxer says, it does get better.

I'm really pleased that you've found an LGBTI friendly church. How was the service? As long as you feel comfortable and supported there, that will improve things for you and help in your journey of reconciling your sexuality.

Keep talking with us – we are here for you! 🙂

Blessings,

Ann Maree



Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
March 19, 2012, 14:46

Hi Amy,


I would think it would be perfectly natural to be a bit up and down at this point, life is ups and downs for us all. Connecting with people on this site and with people in your new church is a great place to help balance out the lows.


How are you finding the new church?


God bless

amesylou
 
Joined in 2012
March 19, 2012, 17:54

The new church was pretty good. I have only been along once cause I couldnt make it the first sunday after meeting with the pastor. I really enjoyed the service and the people seemed lovely enough :). Its good because its not like I need to tell people what is going on, but I know that the pastoral care team are supportive and that is a real encouragement. Whereas at my home church before now, I know the pastoral care team arent at all supportive.


I feel like a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment and am struggling today. Mostly because I am feeling very isolated. I was so encouraged after my church experience yesterday morning that I decided to go to my own church in the evening, and left feeling isolated and lonely. I think deep down I knew i shouldnt have gone, but i guess i just so desperately wanted to be proved wrong. Instead I felt awkward and fearful of talking to my friends. I think I am just so scared of them finding out that it obviously makes me act a bit weird, so they start acting a bit weird and so I get all paranoid.


Sorry im just rambling at this point. I have a few amazing friends around who know and care and encourage me. Probably doesnt help that iv ridiculously fallen for a girl that I know is straight and in a relationship with a guy…and im all emotional and stuff about that. Im pretty sure the downs of that have been a tad sad too.

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
March 20, 2012, 20:42

Hi Amesylou

What would it be like if you just attended the new church and not the old one? I think it's important to be with people who are supportive.

Unrequited love is so painful and I've certainly been there, choosing people who were unavailable and never able to reciprocate. Is there anyone available that you fancy?

Blessings,

Ann Maree

forestgrey
Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
March 20, 2012, 22:04

Amesylou – G'day! Draw two circles on a page level with each other but a bit of distance apart. So, O O


One is your old circle of friends/acquaintances at the old church. The other is the new group where you are gradually making friends.


Now, we can't just jump straight from one to the other and feel completely at home in the new one.


The line between one and the other is not even a straight line, viz: O – – – – O Rather, it is a sagging line. (Draw that in between the two circles.)


As we move from one to the other, we no longer quite fit in the old circle, but are not yet fully comfortable in the new.


It takes time and we can find ourselves in the "trough of loneliness". That can be a bit of a rough time. We have to go down a bit before we go up. BUT, knowing that's where we are, and knowing that we will soon work our way out of it (as we keep plugging into the new circle), gives us the confidence and determination to keep pushing on. A common tendancy, when we are in that 'trough' and the pressure comes on us, is to zap backwards to the familiar. But, when we get back there (as you have found) it no longer quite fits any more.


So, hang in there. Keep pushing towards the new. It DOES get better. God bless.


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