Finally Coming Out Of the Wilderness

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Joined in 2008
September 18, 2008, 04:45

It was a warm Sunday morning in the month of June in 1963. It was no ordinary Sunday Morning but it was Pentecost Sunday and also the day that I was born. I weighed in a little over 5llb and life began for me on planet earth.

I was brought up in a Methodist family and attended Sunday school and Church from a very early age. At about 10 years of age I received Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and have followed my Christian beliefs throughout the years but unfortunately I felt sure that I had failed on many occasions.

When I was about thirteen years of age, as other boys my age would start to look and comment about girls I found myself being attracted to other boys. I attended an all boys high school and at first I thought it was just a phase I was going through, but as time went on and the desires did not change I became very scarred as I had always heard both in Church and in society that Homosexuality was not normal . I listened to comments of how sick Homosexuality was and even the minister at my Church said that he would not allow an homosexual to worship in our congregation. I felt really affraid. I prayed and asked and believed that God would change my thoughts and desires but nothing happened. As the years went by all erotic thoughts that came into my mind were that of a gay nature. If I dreamed at night and it was anything remotely sexual it always involved boys. I kept thinking, Where are you God in this.

At age 16 I had another great experience with God. We had a new minister who had been to a Methodist retreat and had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. He had such a passion for the things of God and what he had I certainly wanted it too. After a few weeks I was prayed for and received the Holy Spirit. It changed my life. My faith became more real. I had a greater passion for the Lord and most of all I knew that God would now give me victory over my homosexuality. How wrong could I have been.

About six months later I had my first gay encounter. It was with a close friend of mine from the Church. We had been friends for a long time and were talking about sexual things as most young boys do and the next thing I knew we were both embracing each other. It felt so natural, it felt so normal but after we left each other the guilt set in. We spoke the next day and agreed taht this should never happen again but over the next couple of years we had a number of secret encounters together.

At 19 years of age, a girl in the Church took a liking to me. She started to show alot of interest. My friend had now moved to college and I thought that now he was away I could really get the victory over my gay desires. I started dating this girl and we became very close. When gay desires came I would rebuke them and start to consentrate on her. For a while I seemed to have some sort of victory. After a couple of years people in the Church would constantly comment on marriage. I prayed about the subject and thought that by getting married would show God that I was totally against any gay desires and I wanted to be committed to him. In 1986 I propossed to my girlfriend and we were married in 1988.

During our engagement I felt so proud. God had given me a wonderful wife. I would soon me married and gay desires would be a thing of the past.

We didn’t even get to the altar before I fell. I met a guy in the Church who became my best friend. Both he and his girlfriend became friends of both my fiancee and me. We had some great times together but after a short while he made excuses to see me alone. He would say he needed advise on this subject or that. One evening we went out for a beer together and that was when I realised that he thought more of me than just a friend. Nine months before my marriage I had fallen again. This time was different. It was love. I felt so happy, so did he. I knew that this was the first time I had ever been in love in my entire life. We both felt the same. It was bliss but soon after the guilt came. How could we be together as Christians when are relationship was so against what God says? After a six month on off relationship we both agreed that I must get married and our falling in love was just an obstacle put there by the devil.

After a wonderful wedding day and a terrific honeymoon, life was then back to normal. At first life was so different I didn’t have time to think of my gay tendancies. I was busy in work and also heavilly involved in ministry. I preached against Homosexuality really preaching to myself and was convinced that I would never fall again. It wasn’t long before the tendancies came back and about a year later met up with the guy I had fallen in love with. We again had an on off relationship but we were both to filled with guilt for it to go anywhere.

After three years of marriage my wife left. I was supprised and devastated. It was totally out of the blue. She did not know about my gay tendancies. Even though I was gay I still loved her. She possibly didn’t feel the love that she needed off me. I don’t blame her at all.

This was the darkest days of my life. I could not beleive I was getting divorced. I had preached against divorce, I hated divorce. How could it happen to me? It must be Gods judgement.

About six months later I met a Guy called Anthony. I was so alone and felt in darkness and he became a light in the dark place. We are both still together today and enjoying the most wonderful life together. The first 11 years were dreadful. I was constantly living under fear and guilt. I was convinced that God had abandoned me and I was going to be sent to hell. I almost had several nervous breakdowns, finding it difficult even to work at times. About 2 years ago I came across Courage website in the UK. Courage is a christian ministry supporting GLBT people. I started to look afresh at what the word of God was really saying to people like me. I as Anthony VB’s book states began a life of unlearning. It was difficult at first after so many years of mind condition that Homosexuality is wrong, but soon the light came, the relalation came and I started to see many of my past beliefs being challenged as I started to study the Word of God for myself instread of taking everything I was told as gospel. I am now free. Gay , happy, victorious, not under condemnation and most certainly a better more authentic person.

Joined in 2006
September 18, 2008, 15:13

Welcome to F2B CPaul 😀 , so good to hear you have found such an awesome place of peace with who you are.

Joined in 2008
September 19, 2008, 18:50

Your story encouraged me. Thank you for sharing.

Joined in 2007
September 25, 2008, 14:06

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Paul. It is so encouraging and uplifting.


Anthony Venn-Brown
Joined in 2005
September 27, 2008, 01:02

Hey Paul…..great to have you with us in our community and thanks for sharing your story.

Even though not a lot post here we do have 100’s who are observers (sometimes called lurkers in these groups) who read through the posts but never comment. There are also 100’s who never register but come and read.

I’m sure that your story will help others…..there are so many similarities in our journeys as we read through the many who post here.

Its wonderful that Anthony has come into your life and that you have been together for 11 years now……of course everyone tells us gay relationships don’t last……..but we know different…..many do…..many don’t…..just like heterosexual relationships.

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