He was a beautiful little boy. You might would say that he was just the average, typical kind of todler who liked to play and get into the same kinds of trouble other kids do. However, he was the finest, best looking little fellow you would have ever metl He was a fun-loving outspoken child and he and I had a very close relationship. I changed his first diaper, believe it or not, and rocked him to sleep and sang to him. He weighed eight pounds when he was born and I think he gained a pound a week until he was six months old, a big fine healthy child just like his daddy had been.
I loved him so much. I loved him so very much. I called him my “baby man.”
I had to leave him when he was only four and ahalf years old. It was the hardest thing I thought I would ever have to face. You see, I’m his father and I did not know I was gay until it was too late.
The Church and society places great demands upon it’s people and requires that we obey at all costs. Obeying the pastor was an absolute must in most pentecostal churches if you wanted to go to heaven. If a young man had some kind of “homosexual tendencies” in those days, all he really needed was a good woman to straighten him out and that would correct the entire problem. I wanted to believe that. I really did.
I had just returned to the states from Vietnam and had not been in the church for three years. I went to visit a pentecostal pastor’s family I had met earlier a couple of years before and to attend church with them. Within one and ahalf months I was married to the pastor’s daughter. In fact, he married many of the young people there to the mates he had chosen for them, to include several of his own children, some as young as fifteen and sixteen. I had been raised in the church and I trusted him.
Even tho I told him I did not love his daugher, he told me and others that “love is something that you learn” and the rest comes later. His daughter did love me and I actually thought I would learn to love her the way he said I would. I was married for three years when I realized that it was never going to work and I stayted in the marriage another two years for the sake of my son. I tried so hard. There was no way that anyone could have prayed, fasted or dedicated themselves to God any more than I did. It didn’t make any difference.
I had no choice but to leave. The temptations never went away and at the end of three years I became involved with another man. I can be honest today. Some things had happened even before then and it just happened, I could not stop what was going on inside of me. I started drinking a lot to deal with all of the pressure and there was a lot of fighting at home. Once I realized that I was gay, there was no way I could live with a woman and go on pretending. I had no desire to be with her or any other woman. The madness had to stop and even tho I did not love her in the way she deserved, I had no desire to hurt her any more than I already had. We had nothing in common except our church beliefs and now even those did not connect. It just didn’t work. If you think you can be married to a woman and a man at the same time, go for it. I couldn’t. Living it was an absolute disaster and mightmare for all of us. She was an innocent young woman. We believed our pastor.
As a result, we divorced and I was not allowed to see my child without his mother being present, not even to be with my own mother and sister. Although the court gave me full visitation rights. Seeing her meant fighting constantly in front of my little boy. I had been raised in such an atmosphere and I could not see my child go through that any longer. He would be so nervous when he came around me because of the way his pentecostal grandparents and family were talking in front of him that it broke my heart all to pieces. He was happy with his grandparents. The last year we were together he spent most of the time with them. They were some of those wealthy church folks and he was well taken care of. They felt it would be better if I stayed away from him. My mother-in-law begged me not to make my son turn out like I was.
I only saw my little one once in thirteen years. I would do it different today. If I could change it, I would see him no matter what they did or said even if I had to shoot someone. I wanted to then and that’s another reason I had to let have him. Oh you guys. Some people have no clue what we have gone through over our children. They told him I did not love him anymore.
Continue to “Part 2”