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Gay guy, 39, charismatic background, close to coming-out

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Stavanger
 
Joined in 2009
October 25, 2009, 18:01

Hello all. I want to tell you a story – the story of my transformation into a man who now understands that I don’t need to spend the rest of my life fighting to change what cannot be changed AND that I can continue to love, serve and grow in Christ as a gay man who is assured of his salvation!


I was raised in a rural area, the eldest of three kids in a very conservative Christian family, in a very conservative community. I always felt like I was different but didn’t realise it was due to my sexuality until about 12 years old (although I now realise too that being gay brings out other human qualities in addition to sexual orientation). We were Methodists, however my parents were strongly influenced by the charismatic movement in the early seventies. At this time a Methodist minister by the name of Clarke Taylor had left that denomination to start what is now known as Christian Outreach Centres. I can remember Pastor Taylor coming and staying in our home when my family were part of a core group who started a COC in the little town near where we lived. Whenever homosexuality was mentioned, it was always in the strongest of terms as the sin above all sins, a sickness and a choice that was so evil it was uncomfortable to even mention.


I was a happy child and always had a heart for the Lord. Upon reaching my teenage years I knew I was gay but tried so hard to push it away in my mind without success. I think I just kept believing it was something I would grow out of and eventually things would turn out differently. Of course, it did not dampen in any way, but only seemed to increase in intensity. This was a very private struggle as there was no way I could tell anyone, let alone my parents. I prayed many times for God to take care of this. The result of this internal struggle was twofold – it gave me a lively inquiring mind, striving to learn about the world I found myself in, about God and the reason things are the way they are. This was a good thing because it has given me an internal fortitude and strength of character with quiet determination that serves me well to this day. The other consequence of my struggle however, was that I became very shy and somewhat socially inept. I had no close friends throughout high school and was a bit of a class clown in order to get attention. I was good academically and began to excel in my music studies. But I thank God that despite all this, I never became despondent, depressed or angry – I just trusted in the Lord and knew He was ultimately in control.

I finished high school and moved to Brisbane to attend Uni and become a high school teacher. I loved being in the big city even though I was homesick at first. I graduated and worked in a number of places all over Queensland, still repressing my sexuality, still praying for God to fix it, still shy but confident in my work. Finally, when I reached 30 I gathered up the courage to tell my Pastor about my ‘problem’ after hearing about ex-gay ministries in my church. By this time I was very involved, as both an elder and as the leader of the music and worship ministry and could never understand why the Holy Spirit was so real to me in this ministry when my secret was supposedly so evil. I went to see the Pastor and one of the elders armed with a resignation letter, because the church I was in had been formed as a result of leaving the Uniting Church over the ordination of gay leaders. To my amazement they tore up the letter and allowed me to continue in leadership. I did however want to change so much, that I went along with the counselling, breaking of curses, deliverance and prayers that were carried out to heal me. I was then promptly sent on my way believing that God had healed me and was told that I would know if the sparks were there when I met the right girl. I was desperate to be seen to be ‘normal’ and desperate to know if the healing ministry had really worked. My church was notorious for match-making couples and also for desperate single women approaching eligible men and saying that God told them they were the one for them. This happened to me four times. I decided to try out a relationship with a lovely young woman who I knew really liked me, and who would have been the most loyal and loving Christian wife any man could hope to have. But the Pastor’s words rang loud in my memory – “if the sparks are there you will know”. I can tell you there was not so much as a single spark and I called it all off before I gave her any more hope it might grow into something special. My yearning to be intimate with a guy was stronger than ever. I contacted Exodus twice and received phone counselling. I tried so hard to pray it away and focus on other things, still believing for my miracle, but questioned the methods used by Exodus, which to me seemed like they were more mind over matter rather than true change. I was just as gay as ever and ended up saying to God in total frustration – “whatever happens with this from now on is in your hands Lord, I won’t try and force anything, please God show me your ways regarding this”.


I then felt a strong urge to leave my church and home where I was quite settled, to pursue my career through promotion. God has blessed this in an amazing way – I am now the Principal of a medium-sized school. Over the past 8 years I have climbed the ladder rapidly, receiving lots of affirmation through my work and for the first time in my life began to form real friendships, even divulging my secret to a few (although I am still a bit of a loner). I continued to attend churches but was nowhere near as involved as before. I began to read more widely and discovered that there is an alternative point of view regarding the biblical texts that are used to condemn homosexual people. I also discovered the truth about the false hope and failure of ex-gay ministries. I still struggled at times with doubts about it all and would worry that this new way of understanding was a trick and I would end up in hell. But then God reminded me of my very own prayer, and with this memory His love and assurance of salvation were so real to me.


In April this year, I was in Sydney on holidays and attended a freedom2b meeting. It was so good to be in the company of people who had travelled the same path. I wish I could be there every month, but I am living and working in a very remote part of Australia so it will be limited to holiday visits. I have definitely come out to myself, have come out to some close friends and have prepared a letter for my parents telling my whole story in more detail than you have read here. I will tell them face-to-face but find it easier to put deep personal things down in writing, so it will help. I have no idea how they will take it or when I will do it, but I just keep sensing that God wants this because it is the right thing to do. I know I’m not called by God to celibacy, so I guess the dream to meet Mr. Right is very real for me – but this one is up to God too, because I cannot imagine myself in the gay scene and have no idea how this could happen in my present circumstances. I have so much to be thankful for – a successful career, a wonderful interesting life that always brings something new, a solid faith in Christ and most certainly I am thankful that I am different! 😀



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
October 25, 2009, 20:59

hey Stavanger……so good to hear your story. I wondered when we’d see you post in the forum.


I wonder if you’d feel comfortable posting your letter to your parents here. the reason I’m asking is that I think it is one of the most effective ways to come out to parents and those close to us.


Ben posted his letter to his parents here….others have as well. It helps give people a model of how best to do this……what to say what not to say etc..


you may feel that it is too personal and private though……….I would totally understand if you decide not to.



orfeo
 
Joined in 2007
October 27, 2009, 13:36

Thank you for sharing your story! Certain parts of it really resonated for me.


If there is one thing that freedom2b does well, it’s remind us that we’re not alone – even with geographical isolation, there are people thinking of you here.



Stavanger
 
Joined in 2009
October 27, 2009, 22:29

Thanks orfeo and avb for your welcome to the forum. It means a lot to me, knowing my isolated location does not need to mean I am cut-off from healthy dialogue with some great people.

Alas, my draft letter to my family is five pages long at present! As I work on refining it I will think about posting abridged segments that may be relevent. It was difficult to find the other letters you refer to Anthony – if you can post a link to any examples from other f2b members it would be really helpful.

I will be in Sydney for a few days in December, but after the f2b chapter meeting unfortunately 🙁 However, I have another trip planned that will allow me to attend in April 2010 🙂

When I was there last time, Ben recommended the dvd “For the Bible Tells Me So” – it has been a terrific resource and one I now recommend to anyone here on the forum who is looking for material to help resolve faith and homosexuality. I have also watched the movie – “Prayers for Bobby” through the various segments that are on youtube – also highly recommended.

Cheers



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
October 27, 2009, 23:29

what a shame you wont be here for our big party and dinner…..on the 4th of Dec…..going to be bigger than Ben Hur…and lots of fun.


CAN ANYONE FIND THE THREADS ON LETTERS TO PARENTS WE HAVE HERE PLEASE. i’M RATHER FLAT OUT! please post the links here.


Ta in advance.



gettingthere
 
Joined in 2008
October 30, 2009, 01:21

what a shame you wont be here for our big party and dinner…..on the 4th of Dec…..going to be bigger than Ben Hur…and lots of fun.


CAN ANYONE FIND THE THREADS ON LETTERS TO PARENTS WE HAVE HERE PLEASE. i’M RATHER FLAT OUT! please post the links here.


Ta in advance.


In regards to the letter thing, I wrote letters to my Bible teacher but not my parents. Well, I kind of wrote a letter to my parents. When I came out to my dad, I wrote “I’M GAY” on a piece of paper since I was too scared to say it out loud and then threw it on the bed and ran out of the room. And that was my “letter”.


As for you Stavanger… glad to hear a story like yours that has a happy ending! 😀 Blessings and glad to have you here.



Myfanwe
 
Joined in 2007
October 30, 2009, 03:26

I think this might be the thread that avb is referring to.


http://www.freedom2b.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=3468&highlight=letters



iplantolive
 
Joined in 2008
October 30, 2009, 21:06

what a shame you wont be here for our big party and dinner…..on the 4th of Dec…..going to be bigger than Ben Hur…and lots of fun.


CAN ANYONE FIND THE THREADS ON LETTERS TO PARENTS WE HAVE HERE PLEASE. i’M RATHER FLAT OUT! please post the links here.


Ta in advance.


Here is HillsBen’s letter to his parents thread;


http://www.freedom2b.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=3573



Anthony Venn-Brown
 
Joined in 2005
October 31, 2009, 13:00

thank you wonderful moderators for fiinding those threads…..i believe that our new site…..SOON TO BE RELEASED…..will have better search options….is that right Chris.



Chris
Administrator
Joined in 2009
October 31, 2009, 13:45

Funnily enough, I am actually working on the new site’s search feature today.


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