Gay Monognamy

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Event Coordinator
Joined in 2009
January 24, 2013, 22:06

Below is a link to a interesting article I read on Same Same.

It seemed to create a bit of a furore. Is Monognamy under attack? Are we overdue for more positive and alternative gay role models that what we have and see about us?

I definitly want to see alternative role models and I hope to find that someone special myself though its not easy as sometimes you want some affection and if theres wrapped up in candy, even if it is only an illusion of true intimacy,Ive taken it..

I enjoyed it and support what he is doing , great read.

Tell me your thoughts?


Joined in 2009
January 25, 2013, 03:24

There is a good follow-up article here as well, in light of the intense discussion around it:

I particularly liked what AVB said:

…Some gay men and lesbians live in monogamous relationships. That is the reality that is rarely highlighted. Whilst I think Andy's orginal article needed some serious editing and a bit more thought the way he communicated what he feels… does hightlight an important element of our community…..its diverse in belief, practices and sense of morality. None of us should be automatically put in the 'homosexual lifestyle' box unless we choose to be. Some love it….others can't stand it.

While I think I agree with the sentiment behind the new group, I don't think it's taken quite the right approach on the problem it seeks to help rectify. Many straights already know many gay people who are monogamous, many who have no part in 'the scene', and many who find the idea of sex on a first date to be repulsive. I belong to each of those categories, but I am not sure that trying to band all these people together in a group that specifically exists to counter the existing stereotypes of Oxford St is the right way to bring about change.

The marriage equality movement has, in my opinion, already been fairly successful at highlighting long-term monogamous relationships between gay couples to the rest of the public, spectacles at rallies notwithstanding. If that point needs hammering home further, then I think equal marriage is the avenue to go about it. It's a way that doesn't rub (too many) other gay people the wrong way if they don't think it's for them, and there is already a substantial public platform to build on for furthering the message. Once gay marriage becomes the same non-issue that interracial marriage now is, then issues like a lack of role models should largely fall by the wayside. If kids are growing up knowing that marriage is a normal and very available option for them when they grow up, even if they're gay, then that's the best way to promote monogamy.

Making a group specifically to go against the grain tells the public that the stereotype holds true to such an extent that specific counter-action is needed. You can see how some might see that as a thinly veiled attack on their community, and the diversity of opinions on what is moral and what isn't. Saying that the gay community needs a reputation overhaul is not what many in that community are going to want to hear, and it is going to create divides. We should instead be highlighting diversity, and I don't think he's done a great job at that.

I am glad to see the topic being discussed but wow, I wish he'd gone about it a different way. The approach needs more thought, and much more tact.

Joined in 2012
January 25, 2013, 12:10

I think Andy means well, however the way he worded it all implied that a monogamous relationship is the ‘only’ way to go, and that any other form is ‘wrong’. It’s simply not realistic, and it’s like saying the gay world is black and white and that there is no grey in the middle.

I suppose it can’t hurt to have a monogamous-specific group though, because if you’re searching for someone with the same standards/beliefs/whatever you want to call it, as your own, it probably won’t hurt, and the reality is that some places are less monogamous-orientated.

I personally am holding out for that one special person (I'm still a virgin and have never been kissed actually, so if I did find that one person it would be magical). I do want to be in a monogamous relationship. I know though, that if I don’t find that special person after X years (like if I’m in my 30's or 40's by then), I can see myself giving up on trying to find that one guy, and just having one night stands or whatever. I REALLY don’t want to, but I do have to be realistic at some point if I can't find him, as the relationship pool in a gay man’s world is a PUDDLE (sometimes even just a bowl), compared to the heterosexual person’s OCEAN of a potential monogamous relationship.

Joined in 2005
February 7, 2013, 17:45

The thing is – I know many married Hetero sexual couples who are not monogamous.

I was shocked when I entered the work force at the number of married people I worked with who were having or who had had affairs.

Its NOT uncommon.

So the belief that promiscuity is a Gay thing is not really true.

having said that I know some committed long term gay couples who dont have sex at all (they have sex outside their relationship) and I know monogamous couples.

I personally think that its better to be Honest about what you are doing (to youreslf and to your partner) – whether its Monogamy or open – than it is to insist on Monogamy and have a situation where you have lies in a relationship – and I see that a lot.

The thing about the article (and the reaction to it) is that there are a lot of agenda's and hang ups all tied up to this and so people are often pushing hidden unspoken issues and agenda's

Some people are not comfortable in open relationships – and thats fine – and others are incapable of them – and thats their genetic makeup. They were made that way. This happens in the Hetero and Homosexual worlds. Recognising this – and being comfortable with who and what you are will make you much better than trying to be open when you are naturally a monogamous person OR – trying to be monogamous person – when it just isnt in your make up. (There are actually well known genes for people to be NOT monogamous BTW) e.g.

What IS wrong is going out and exposing your partner to risks that they are NOT aware of. BUT remember – if you will not discuss or be open to your partners needs – when they may have a genetic drive that is not a choice – you may not leave them the ability to be honest with you. So this is an area that needs to be discussed realistically and with care for both partners.

Joined in 2005
February 9, 2013, 19:51

By the way Im not suggesting people should have open relationships. I think its important people work out what works for them

Some people do need them – others can't cope with them at all – so you need to find your own truth on this issue (I believe) –

but given the topic – I thought this article was interesting (and I would note that without more information on the population surveyed etc I dont think this is definitive. Merely thought provoking)

Surveying more than 800 gay and bisexual men in New York, researchers at the school’s Center for HIV Educational Studies and Training (CHEST) discovered that many subjects received physical and mental health benefits from relationships with some degree of openness.

guys in “monogamish” relationships showed lower rates of depression when compared to single gay men, and higher rates of life satisfaction than singles or guys in open or closed relationships.

In other words, it’s not an either-or proposition.

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
February 12, 2013, 18:45

Hi Shadow Boxer

Yes I believe honesty is really important… and self awareness of what works for each person followed by honouring that.


Ann Maree

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