My name is Jordan and I am from New Zealand. For a few days now I have decided to come out as a gay christian. I am writing this at 12:15AM in the morning because I have been up these last few nights writing an eight page coming out letter to my parents. They should open the letter in about 7-9 hours :-/ wish me luck.
Growing up I was picked on at school because of my weight. I had people drive by shouting 'run home fatty'. I even had a student at my school come up to me with a shaken up fizzy drink and open it up in my face, making me walk home with sticky soda all over me. These things happened to me everyday, and I had many more things chucked at me which made my school experience without a doubt the worst years of life. I would go so far as to say a living hell. I am honestly surprised I am still alive after years of physical and emotional and verbal abuse at school.
I finally finished school and gained some of my confidence back, though I still have no idea of what I am good at or what I want to do for a job. I applied for customs officer during this period of time, however when getting an email back as to what was required, I wasn't comfortable with it at all. I wanted to work in the mail handling unit specifically, just slowly working at my own pace opening packages and getting paid for it, but it also required driving to various places (I don't have my full driver's license), searching people (that's way too personal for me), and many other things, so that was a no-go.
I then discovered quite a lot on nutrition, and I went from a full on meat eater to a vegetarian overnight. At my heaviest I was 118kg, and now I weigh 100kg. I still have 15kg or so to go, but I have managed to maintain this weight for over a year now, and am currently looking into rock climbing and the Concept 2 rowing machine for fitness. I am now doing a correspondence novel writing course, though it's very hard.
On top of all this drama, I had been living a lie for my whole life.
When I was 13 (as far back as I can remember having a conscience), I knew I was different. I couldn't describe this specific 'different' though. As the years went on, I noticed I wasn't attracted to girls and that I liked guys better. I thought it was just a hormonal phase I was going through, so I thought nothing of it. Over the years I realized my feelings about guys hadn't changed though. Infact they got stronger.
Now being brought up in a pentecostal christan upbringing, I've always been told that being gay is 'wrong' and 'not part of Gods plan'. I never understood how such a loving God who cares about everyone (except gay people apparently), could enforce such hatred? To me, this was a complete contradiction of what I think He stands for, and I refused to believe it.
Many times I tried to 'pray the gay away' though just because society and my relatives think it is wrong. God has always been in many circumstances in my life at school though, like one time a friend of mine was bugging me in graphics class and wanted me to join a band which encouraged death and satanic things. I was extremely uncomfortable with it and prayed for it all to go away. The next day he was miraculously moved from the class without any rhyme or reason (as the timetables were already set in concrete as such for an entire week). Also one time this guy was calling me names during P.E. (physical education), and a soccer ball from out of nowhere hit him right on the head. You could literally see the stars going around his head. However like someone said in their coming out story, God left me alone to deal with my sexuality.
It has taken me almost 10 years to realize that I am indeed gay. I KNOW that I am not an abomination, and surely being myself isn't a sin. My parents are hugely homophobic (most times shouting homophobic slurs when they see a gay person on tv), which is ironic as they are so loving and nurturing, so I honestly don't know how they will respond to my letter. I guess I will find out in 7-9 hours!
I am still coming to terms with who I am, but I don't want to keep living this lie, and I know that there are people out there who care about the LGBT community and their religion/faith. I am still not prepared for all the hate I will get from society (and my family/friends/relatives), but I make no apologies in being myself and I firmly believe I have to tell them before it all gets out of hand.
This is my story
Edit: It's almost been two days since I came out to my parents. Thought these vids might help someone who is struggling with their sexuality and coming to terms with who they are as a human being. These people are my heroes!
Katy Perry – Firework [music vid on being yourself]:
It gets better – Mike Manning:
An Important Message from Ellen About Bullying:
Chely Wright's Emotional Coming Out Story [my heart broke between 4:52 and 5:03]: