Gay New Zealander coming out at 22

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Joined in 2012
July 3, 2012, 23:00

Hi there,

My name is Jordan and I am from New Zealand. For a few days now I have decided to come out as a gay christian. I am writing this at 12:15AM in the morning because I have been up these last few nights writing an eight page coming out letter to my parents. They should open the letter in about 7-9 hours :-/ wish me luck.

Growing up I was picked on at school because of my weight. I had people drive by shouting 'run home fatty'. I even had a student at my school come up to me with a shaken up fizzy drink and open it up in my face, making me walk home with sticky soda all over me. These things happened to me everyday, and I had many more things chucked at me which made my school experience without a doubt the worst years of life. I would go so far as to say a living hell. I am honestly surprised I am still alive after years of physical and emotional and verbal abuse at school.

I finally finished school and gained some of my confidence back, though I still have no idea of what I am good at or what I want to do for a job. I applied for customs officer during this period of time, however when getting an email back as to what was required, I wasn't comfortable with it at all. I wanted to work in the mail handling unit specifically, just slowly working at my own pace opening packages and getting paid for it, but it also required driving to various places (I don't have my full driver's license), searching people (that's way too personal for me), and many other things, so that was a no-go.

I then discovered quite a lot on nutrition, and I went from a full on meat eater to a vegetarian overnight. At my heaviest I was 118kg, and now I weigh 100kg. I still have 15kg or so to go, but I have managed to maintain this weight for over a year now, and am currently looking into rock climbing and the Concept 2 rowing machine for fitness. I am now doing a correspondence novel writing course, though it's very hard.

On top of all this drama, I had been living a lie for my whole life.

When I was 13 (as far back as I can remember having a conscience), I knew I was different. I couldn't describe this specific 'different' though. As the years went on, I noticed I wasn't attracted to girls and that I liked guys better. I thought it was just a hormonal phase I was going through, so I thought nothing of it. Over the years I realized my feelings about guys hadn't changed though. Infact they got stronger.

Now being brought up in a pentecostal christan upbringing, I've always been told that being gay is 'wrong' and 'not part of Gods plan'. I never understood how such a loving God who cares about everyone (except gay people apparently), could enforce such hatred? To me, this was a complete contradiction of what I think He stands for, and I refused to believe it.

Many times I tried to 'pray the gay away' though just because society and my relatives think it is wrong. God has always been in many circumstances in my life at school though, like one time a friend of mine was bugging me in graphics class and wanted me to join a band which encouraged death and satanic things. I was extremely uncomfortable with it and prayed for it all to go away. The next day he was miraculously moved from the class without any rhyme or reason (as the timetables were already set in concrete as such for an entire week). Also one time this guy was calling me names during P.E. (physical education), and a soccer ball from out of nowhere hit him right on the head. You could literally see the stars going around his head. However like someone said in their coming out story, God left me alone to deal with my sexuality.

It has taken me almost 10 years to realize that I am indeed gay. I KNOW that I am not an abomination, and surely being myself isn't a sin. My parents are hugely homophobic (most times shouting homophobic slurs when they see a gay person on tv), which is ironic as they are so loving and nurturing, so I honestly don't know how they will respond to my letter. I guess I will find out in 7-9 hours!

I am still coming to terms with who I am, but I don't want to keep living this lie, and I know that there are people out there who care about the LGBT community and their religion/faith. I am still not prepared for all the hate I will get from society (and my family/friends/relatives), but I make no apologies in being myself and I firmly believe I have to tell them before it all gets out of hand.

This is my story

Edit: It's almost been two days since I came out to my parents. Thought these vids might help someone who is struggling with their sexuality and coming to terms with who they are as a human being. These people are my heroes!

Katy Perry – Firework [music vid on being yourself]:

It gets better – Mike Manning:

An Important Message from Ellen About Bullying:

Chely Wright's Emotional Coming Out Story [my heart broke between 4:52 and 5:03]:

Joined in 2009
July 3, 2012, 23:46

Jordan, thanks for hopping on and sharing your story with us. Being yourself certainly isn't a sin, and from what I've just read I think the nature of your personality lends itself far closer to Christian teaching than most religious people approach these days.

While you certainly have a lot going on in the background (nutrition, writing course, etc…), it seems like the circumstances for the next few hours (and longer, no doubt) will be very much focused on your letter and your family. Congratulations on writing it and going through with this – it's no easy step.

While I've seen stories where a letter has completely turned homophobic parents around in an instant, I've also seen situations that weren't so happy. Keep in mind that if your parents aren't responding well at first, it may just be because they need time – their initial reaction is unlikely to remain set that way. While you've had years to ponder this, it will obviously come as something of a shock to them, and they'll need time to process it. Given what you've said on their comments about TV, they're clearly not in the mindset, they'll have misconceptions on what it means to be gay, and it will take some adjusting. Potentially a lot of adjusting.

I hope all goes well for you! Do let us know how you fare, and know we're here to support you.

Joined in 2012
July 4, 2012, 01:01

Thanks Chris!

Here I am still up at 3:00AM :-/ I really wish I could get to sleep but it's constantly on my mind. A couple hours ago I set up a bag with some clothes and basic things like a toothbrush, toothpaste, and my credit card which should last me a few weeks if I am kicked out on the street. I hope it doesn't resort to that though.

I will try and catch some zeds again. Thanks for the support and I will let you know how it goes!

Joined in 2011
July 4, 2012, 03:03

In these wee small hours Jordan – just wanted you to know my thoughts are with you and I will be praying for you and your parents. What courage you have shown. Take care – stay safe

Sarab x

Joined in 2012
July 4, 2012, 08:31


As of 9:27AM, 4th of July NZST, my parents now know that I'm gay. At 7:15AM dad knocked on my door and quietly said 'Jordy'. I opened the door and he immediately hugged me 🙂

He was really ok with it. In fact we sat down and had a good talk for over two hours. He admitted he wasn't the ideal christian in that he discriminated against certain groups of people and that for whatever messed up reason we all put labels on people to put them down. He had lots of questions regarding relationships later down the track, as well as how certain I was, if there was any specific body shape of guys I like, how did I cope with 10 years of all the psychological stuff and implications going through my head etc.

Some time after 9AM mum came downstairs completely oblivious. I felt really bad because she expects grandchildren 🙁 when dad said she should sit down for this letter she assumed it was from my brother because from history he had said some really hurtful things to her in the past. Things like 'I never loved you' and 'you're smothering' (but in the middle of that word is 'MOTHER', that's what a mum is for).

She burst into tears as soon as she sat down with the letter in her hand (I think she already knew because she hadn't gotten to the third paragraph revealing that I am gay). She said 'I knew it' – but in such a tone I wasn't able to decipher. I still don't know if she loves me or not. She says she can't understand the relationshop of two guys etc. and I think it was her faith that got her through hard times with my brother, so I understand from that point of view why she's extremely upset, but I replied by telling her I know myself enough now to know that it is NOT wrong or sinful to be myself, and that God has gotten me through everything, that he doesn't hate anyone, and that I personally refuse to believe that God discriminates. Then her next worry was about telling the relatives. I basically said that letting them both know was my first priority, and that in time I hope we as a family can agree on how to approach telling the relatives.

I feel really sad for telling her, but I told her that I may not have been alive if I didn't tell them, so I think she got that idea. It will just take A LOT of time for her to get used to all of this.

I prayed the night before for my family to stay strong and get through this difficult time, and thank you guys for the prayers and support! I guess I don't have to pack my bag and head to the city after all! Dad was surprised I even thought of having to come to that conclusion.

Thanks for all the support and prayers!

God bless,


Chapter Leader
Joined in 2008
July 4, 2012, 12:30

Jordon – Welcome … and, well done. Coming out to ourselves is the first step. Your parents will take time to adjust to your big announcement – it's a process, a journey, for them too.

The good thing is that you are not alone. Many of us on this forum have been through similar paths. We are all at various stages on the journey (of discovery, understanding, and reconciliation of faith and sexuality). Digging back through past posts on the Forum will give you much encouragement. And also much help in your journey – especially at this critical time.

Your parents will have lots of question, lots of uncertainty, some broken dreams (those grandchildren!). You will need to be loving and tolerant to them at this time. You won't have all the answers for them. BUT, they will find some answers and some support on this Forum too as we have quite a few posts from parents who have walked the same walk your folks are now on. Encourage them to have a look at the Straight Friends, Families and Supporters section. Not sure if you have PFLAG in NZ, but they (or the Australian PFLAG site) will also be a useful resource for your parents.

We all have our ups-&-downs along the way. But, overall, it does get better. Hang in there. Use this Forum as a helping resource.

God bless ~ david

Ann Maree
Joined in 2008
July 4, 2012, 18:16

Hi Jordan

Thanks for having the courage to come out and to share your journey around that here.

It sounds as if your dad is reflecting on his own behaviours and in awe of your courage? And your Mum is no doubt going through her own processes.

I agree with forestgrey about suggesting some supports that your parents could access, such as PFLAG. And we have some wonderful straight Christian Mums who would be of great support to your parents, especially your Mum. And some great straight pastors and allies here too.

Keep us posted.

Kind Regards,

Ann Maree

4x4 girl
Joined in 2010
July 4, 2012, 18:38

Hi Jordan,

Good luck mate with the future. I'm in small town NZ too and can understand rough school years. What a great reply from your dad and I think your mum with come around. I've just got a partner and it becomes reality to so many more people.

God Bless


Joined in 2012
July 4, 2012, 22:08

Thanks everyone!

After I came out to my parents I also attended a funeral of a neighbour we all once knew for many years. It really brought home the message to me that if I hadn't told them I was gay, I would have probably been the one in that casket – and that really saddened me because I couldn't bare the thought of my parents having to deal with something like that. I realized life is definitely worth living and that it gets better. You just have to be alive to see it.

I'll be sure to point them towards the Straight Friends, Family and Supporters forum too 😀

Joined in 2009
July 5, 2012, 01:44

Hi Jordan

I'm really pleased it went so well with your Dad and as others has suggested, it may take your Mum time. It did with my kids when I came out to them. When you come out, it puts in place a whole process where the people we tell have their own "coming out" to go through. It takes time.

The energy it has taken to keep your two worlds apart is huge. Now they are starting to come together and that is really good.

It is absolutely fine to be gay and yes you can be gay and Christian. Some people are born gay and no, it can't be changed. It's just the way it is.

All the best. Keep in touch. We want to be here for you.


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