Welcome to f2b!
There are many, many others who have been where you are and some encouraging stories to read in the Telling our stories section of this site. If you haven’t already, check some of them out.
Being lost and dealing with inner conflict is very difficult but you won’t always be in that space. And no, life is not about living in torment. It really doesn’t have to be like that. And yes, there is a way forward.
I believe God hasn’t healed you because there’s nothing to heal. You are more than OK the way you are.
Have you got someone open minded and trustworthy you can talk with in confidence? I would strongly advise that you seek this as a first step for dealing with your turmoil and for sharing the burden. It’s important to build supports around you so you can make rational decisions and stay safe.
We are here for you as well in whatever way we can be of support. So keep sharing with us.
It would also be great if you can post this in the Telling our Stories section so more people see it and have a chance to respond. You are definitely not alone.