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How can I stop ex-gay therapy for good.

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TeeSte
 
Joined in 2012
October 22, 2012, 20:53

A few months ago I started looking for ex-gay programs online. I ended up with a few contacts and a new look on life but after just a few weeks of doing a coarse on 'setting captives free' I found that I was spiralling into a dismal hole of self hatred and failure. Still week after week I would change my position on sexuality. One day I would see myself attending an extremist church and the other I would be talking with an MCC minister, one day it was a natural and good thing that God had given me and then the next day I would be believing that my homosexuality was a birth defect and a punishment. I'm like a yo-yo coming out out and then crawling back into the closet dozens of times a year and to many different people.

I'm looking for some advice and tips about how I can once and for all kick my dependency for the ' ex-gay world' ? How have some of you broken the embraces of these programs and found the love that Christ and his Church have for us?

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 22, 2012, 22:05

Hi t1m07y

You said:


I'm like a yo-yo coming out out and then crawling back into the closet dozens of times a year and to many different people.


Founder of f2b, Anthony Venn-Brown, described this process as "closet hokey pokey". It's pretty common, I'm afraid, one minute feeling OK about your sexuality and then retreating when you receive negative stuff from your environment. The good news is that you won't always feel like this… Closet hokey pokey often happens at the beginning stages of reconciling your sexuality because it's a scary process to fully commit to being gay when you have a church group against homosexuality and you want to be part of the group and they're telling you there's something wrong with you. So it causes inner conflict and doubts as to whether you're a good person or not. And if we have been part of a church community for a while, especially one that is fundamentalist, church pronouncements take on a lot of significance. They become deeply ingrained and we are conditioned in a way that means it's very difficult to challenge or shake off these beliefs. And as humans we gravitate to what's familiar whether it's true or not because it feels safe to do so. However just because something is pronounced from the pulpit or it feels safe, doesn't make it true. I've heard many things said from church and ex gay groups that are based on ignorance and not love, and this is not of God. Those things also have nothing to do with you as a person. We get the love of God mixed up with church authorities when the two are actually separate things. I guess it depends too on how much authority you give to church leaders. In my experience, fundamentalist Christians often give a lot of authority to church leaders and this can make them even more vulnerable to manipulation, making it even harder to undo church conditioning. It is worth remembering too that many psychological and medical groups have categorically said that ex gay programs are damaging and they are therefore against them. And they haven't arrived at those decisions without rigorous evidence.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

TeeSte
 
Joined in 2012
October 22, 2012, 22:14

Hi Ann Maree,

Thanks for your response.

I've often heard Anthony Venn-Brown's quote about "closet hokey pokey" and it definitely resonates with me. It is strange how in both scenarios of hatred and acceptance I understand and believe that there is nothing wrong with my sexuality but it is my outward expression and views which change surely to, as you say, be part of the group. Do you think that there is anything that I can actively do or is it just a matter of time?

t1m07y

Ann Maree
 
Joined in 2008
October 22, 2012, 22:35

Hi T1m07y

In answer to your question, I would strongly recommend that you spend time with those who are uplifting, encouraging, loving, supportive, accepting..These things are of God and will strengthen you rather than tear you down. If an environment makes you feel bad, uneasy or ashamed, walk away from it. Life's hard enough – you don't need it. No one does. There's a reason why the bible speaks of exhorting, encouraging and speaking kind words to each other – because we need it. My mother once said to me: "When faced with a difficult decision, we only need to ask ourselves one question: Is this good for me? And if it's not or you're unsure, walk away. Because what's truly good for us will usually be good for others too. Likewise what's bad for us, will be bad for others as well." And she is absolutely right.

I hope that helps.

Blessings,

Ann Maree

HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
October 23, 2012, 10:41

Hi Tim,


You said:


I'm looking for some advice and tips about how I can once and for all kick my dependency for the ' ex-gay world' ? How have some of you broken the embraces of these programs and found the love that Christ and his Church have for us?


That's a great question and one that I used to struggle with. I think you will find that the key to reconciling your faith and sexuality (and leaving 'ex-gay' programs for good) is connecting with freedom2b (both online and at chapter meetings). It seems like you are living in two extremes – 'ex-gay' ministries and anti-gay churches on one hand and MCC and affirming churches on the other. When I first left 'ex-gay' programs I needed a middle space between those two things and freedom2b was that middle space.


Although I have a lot of respect for MCC churches, they are not the place for me. I could never leave my Pentecostal roots. Lol. =P. After taking a break recently, I decided to go back to Hillsong which I now attend weekly and I'm loving it. My partner Sam attends with me as do 4 other openly gay friends. 🙂


Ultimately, the key to you reconciling your faith and sexuality is to trust God. For me, spending time in prayer and worship helped enormously as did connecting with other same-sex attracted Christians who had fully reconciled their faith and sexual orientation. When you understand that you were made perfectly and that God loves every part of you (including your sexual orientation) then you can finally move forward and let go of 'ex-gay' for good.


As always, we're here for you mate. 🙂


I've been in the place where you currently are. It's not easy but you will get you through it!


Ben

HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
October 23, 2012, 10:43

Hi Tim,


You said:


Do you think that there is anything that I can actively do or is it just a matter of time?


I think that it's a bit of both. You can actively research 'ex-gay' and reparative therapies and in doing so you will find out that the majority of current 'ex-gay' leaders will admit that they are still attracted to the same-sex. Haydn Sennitt (Liberty, Sydney) and Alan Chambers (Head of Exodus) are among many who have admitted to this. You will also find out that these ministries cause lots of harm to many people that go through them.


After doing this research it's important to ask "What would Jesus do?". Is it Jesus' intention for same-sex attracted people to feel isolated from the Body of Christ? Is it Jesus' intention for same-sex attracted people to go through so much pain just to conform to other people? Is there something wrong with the way God created people which requires humans to need to change their apparent 'broken' sexuality?


Once you accept that there is nothing wrong with being same-sex attracted and you learn that people don't change their sexual orientation then it will become much easier.


Ben

HillsBen
Youth Coordinator
Joined in 2008
October 23, 2012, 11:11

Hi Tim,


It may also be helpful to watch this video. This is a short video taken from 'The Cure' documentary showing people who have gone through ex-gay ministries and come out the other side, many of them now identifying as gay Christians.


http://media.brisbanetimes.com.au/entertainment/entertainment-news/i-am-gay-god-still-loves-me-3190913.html


Ben

TeeSte
 
Joined in 2012
October 23, 2012, 11:48

Hey HillsBen,

Thanks for all that great stuff you've said.

I'm just starting to appreciate how great the forum is and how much support is on here. And I think what I need to do is surround myself with positive influences like f2b and an affirming church and of coarse the scriptures and the spirit.

T.

J
 
Joined in 2012
October 24, 2012, 07:21

Hey Tim,


Like the others have said I think the best thing you can do is to surround yourself with positive, accepting people. I used to think 'you can be in the world and not OF the world', and for the most part this is true, however when it starts affecting your personality and confidence – the very essence or core of YOU, it is best to get away from those who put you down.


For me, that was the church I went to previously, in which a pastor once condemned me (whether he realized it or not) in something he said, and it shattered my spirit beyond repair. Now I am listening to positive, accepting and genuine sermons via home because it works for me and I don't feel like I'm constantly being attacked both spiritually and mentally. I think I realized here that what the pastor said that day, well, he was only speaking for himself. I wouldn't imagine the majority of the church felt the same way he did, but regardless, I couldn't put myself through any more possible hurt. I suppose the lesson there for me was that we are all humans and we all have different opinions, but we also have every right to protect ourselves both spiritually and mentally as well, and when it starts eating at the very core of us, it is important to get away from that. The saying 'life and death is in the power of the tongue' couldn't be more true.


Places like freedom2b, and gay affirming churches are safe havens here. These should be your home and your refuge.


Life is too short to be surrounded by hatemongers and people who have unchristian values (basically anyone who condemns you for being you), and in reality, it is only THEIR personal opinion of what THEY think is right and wrong (and unfortunately the hatemongers always use the 'don't blame me, it's what God/the bible says' – no, it's what THEY think God/the bible says). For the journey I am currently on, I am constantly looking for books that give me answers that I feel speak the truth, so I don't know if any of these might be your cup of tea, but I have certainly found a few gold mines for books here including 'three free sins', 'unchristian' and 'glorious ruin'. Below are 50 of Jeff Bethke's favourite books which may interest you:


http://pinterest.com/jeffersonbethke/favorite-books/


Also, I can't drill this enough. Ex-gay programs are EXTREMELY damaging. I think I posted this on another thread, I can't remember, but the fact that so many ex-gay leaders have finally admitted that what they did was wrong, goes to show the destruction they have caused so many people, and this admission further points out the fact that ex-gay programs WILL damage you beyond repair and that they should be avoided at all costs.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDiYeJ_bsQo


I hope that helps!

Mother Hen
 
Joined in 2011
October 24, 2012, 10:21

Hi Tim,


Lots of great suggestions here. I'm afraid I can't really help as I have not personally gone through any of this but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and will be praying for you. I do know from the many stories I have read on this forum that many people have gone through what you are going through at the moment, and they have come through the other side. So know there is hope and as you say a wonderful group of supportive, encouraging people on the F2B site.


Ben is a great inspiration and living proof that things to do get better. As Ann Maree said surround yourself with loving supportive people who will just love and accept you and just be there for you as you work through all this.


God Bless
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