I can relate

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Joined in 2007
December 31, 2007, 08:57

I was brought up in a family with 5 children and I was the second eldest my mother came from

A Christian family and my father came from a family that relied on psychics for guidance and a

Future. We weren’t a very close family and affection wasn’t readily given

I was 14 the fist time I gave my life to the Lord and was told that God would protect me and

Look after me forever. That night as I returned home full of joy I encountered my worst

Nightmare that night was to be a night I would not forget it was the night I encountered sexual

Abuse from a family member. I wondered where my God had gone that night when he was

meant to protect me.

I didn’t tell anyone other than a really close friend about what happened that night as there

Was a huge fear that I wouldn’t be believed. I realized that I couldn’t even tell my mother and

from then on decided that my friends were my family.

I continued to go to church and seek God and it was there at this time that I met a girl who

I became friends with instantly she was trying to leave a life of homosexuality behind but was struggling. As our friendship grew she showed me a world I didn’t know existed a community where I was totally accepted for me a community that loved me and I soon found myself immersed in a lifestyle that I loved. In this time I also found a relationship with another girl and I fell in love we stayed together for nearly 4 years.. I tried going back to church numerous times but it never lasted. The pull of the lifestyle I was living was too strong and the guilt I was feeling wouldnt allow me to have a gay lifestyle as well as a church relationship.

My girlfriend then showed me another world I knew about but had always been taught was wrong. I was shown how to astral travel to actually leave my body and have my spirit soar. It was the beginning of a very dark spiritual path that I was about to walk down.

There was although a bitter after taste for me as I knew what I was doing was not right but the spiritual things fascinated me and I was able to numb any doubt with drugs.

It started as just marijuana a way to escape and relax, mix that along with alcohol and acid and any doubts I had went out the window.

I had been involved in my lifestyle for a few years by that time, when one night I rang my mum to have a chat. Mum confronted me about my gay lifestyle and told me that I would not be a part of the family until I got out of it (little did she know what else I had been up to).My mother told me that everything in my life would die whilst I was living the life I was living.

That night I took off on my motorbike and found myself back at church.

It so happened that night a visiting preacher was speaking and he also had lived a lifestyle similar to mine.As I listened I realized that I had to leave My girlfriend. I went home and asked my girlfriend to come to church with me the next day and when she did she also realized and gave her heart to the Lord

I then left Sydney and ended up in Canberra. I dint really know what I was going to do with my life but started attending church. I stayed in church and still saw my now ex girlfriend on occasions but it was too hard to only have a friendship and we eventually lost contact.

The church thing didnt work out for me and after a while found myself back in the gay scene and another realtionship with another girl . I also got involved with occult activities and found myself further from God than ever before. Then I left my girlfriend after 7 months and found myself back at church yet again.

The only thing was now that I loved the things of God but didn’t find the spiritual side of God all that satisfying. I was torn and tried living a life with a foot in both worlds. I wasn’t being honest with those around me and was so desperate to find that something I was looking for. One evening the people I was living with took me to church and a visiting Pastor happened to be there (not my favorite person let me tell you).

This man was a man of God and the spirits that surrounded me never liked him so I was in fear.

That night the pastor said I was at a cross roads in my life and had a choice to make. He said there was a very dark path or a light path and If I chose to take the dark path that he was afraid I may never come back in fact he said it would be at least ten years before I would come back if at all.

I wasn’t very good with the whole authority thing and it wasn’t long before I thought I would show God that I could leave and be back well before ten years. I thought I will just go for ten weeks maybe ten months and I will be back. I would show everybody that I was in control and no one was going to tell me what or when I could come back.

It didn’t take me long before I started hanging with the wrong crowd yet again. I started back on the drugs again but even more I graduated to amphetamines and using a needle to inject myself and it wasn’t long after this I found myself running a pub and meeting more and more people including my now husband. It wasn’t long after meeting Jason that I discovered that I was pregnant and already 8 months had past. I found myself doing numerology and reading palms and telling people their horoscopes and what their future held.

The drugs were still a problem and my life seemed to be spiraling then I discovered I was pregnant again. At this time I also discovered that my husband had a brief affair and another girl was pregnant too. I was to spend the next couple of years trying to work out my life. All the time thinking I should go back to church but the shame and my demons of my past wouldn’t let me.

I was under the delusion that even God wouldn’t want to know me. Though I did attend church on the odd occasion I just couldn’t stay.

I was so full of anger and wanted to stay continually numb so I didn’t have to face pain. I felt so unreachable and I hated myself. I was as tormented as the spirits that I had dabbled with.

I held most people at a distance while craving their closeness. I had vowed I would never let anyone use or abuse me again.

I knew I was hurting even those who extended their hand to help but I dared not take that hand firmly even though I wanted to. I longed someone to take me away from my life one that had now become full of drugs, alcohol and addictions I found as I tried to end my life that I wanted to live it was a vicious cycle. I was always searching always fighting always looking for spiritual rest in wrong places. I would find myself screaming out at times Who am I and Why am I here. I started to believe that I would never get off this path that I had chosen out of rebellion.

Then something happened that was unimaginable, my sister died and something in me broke.

I didn’t want my life to end without getting it right. The first few months were excruciatingly painful and for the first time I made a choice not to numb the pain and to be honest I don’t think there was a drug strong enough to have numbed that pain anyway.

Days, weeks and months passed in a blur and I functioned as I always had but emotion remained distant. Then through the dark a small glimmer of hope started to grow. Decision time had come clarity almost. My life started to change. I met a really nice chritian pastor and I threw questions at him at a hard fast pace I was challenging him even daring him to leave and not come back to tell me more about God but silently hoping that he would stay and tell me what I needed to hear. I found that I eventually had nothing left to challenge and gave in and let God.

Tiny steps to start, a gentle touch and a whisper as God whispered Daughter, worthy, forgiven. The names I had been longed for yearned for had been spoken like a gentle breeze by my Heavenly Dad. Time had passed so quickly I realized that it had been just on ten years since I turned my back on God.

The start of a Joy rising was something that had been long forgotten but was now drawn into a reality. A journey of reconnection had started. It was a journey that was to be so up and down but so quick.

My tiny steps turned into huge leaps and a hunger that didn’t seem to ever be satisfied had begun to rage in my spirit. A hunger for all things of God, His Word, His Touch, His Healing, His Voice, His Freedom, His Deliverance anything I could devour.

Then a huge touch of God, I was shown a way into His Presence that I had never been shown before a way to stand before the throne of my God. To enter His gates and to go into His courts and to receive His Grace to stand in total awe in His Presence was the most life changing experience I had ever had and one that would turn my life around.

To enter into Gods presence was something that was to become my new drug, my new addiction. It was something that I could never turn from even when faced with the hardest challenges. It would become the anchor in my world that would always draw me back. I was hooked, I had experienced the spiritual side of God like never before and it will always have a hold of me and for that I am eternally grateful.

I found myself having to forgive. Sometimes that was the hardest thing I ever struggled with but the freedom that comes with Forgiveness was amazing. Even the world looks different the grass greener and the sky bluer. To this day I find that forgiving myself let alone others can be a struggle still but one that gets shorter each time.

But step by step drew me closer to My God. Challenge after Challenge drew me closer to My God and with each challenge won came a Peace and a Joy I had once dared for. With each challenge won came revelation a deeper knowledge and a fire that had started as a spark began to rage in my spirit a strength that was supernatural a momentum to go forward a step that became steadier the stumbling was getting less. Over the past 2 years it has at times felt like 2 steps forward and 10 steps back but I know the battle is worth it and in the times that I felt far from God I have seen Him in my friends and felt Him through their prayers. I have been blessed to find family and God has put people in my path that I now trust fully and love deeply they are my strength and my support. I have come to love transparency and Authority.

I shake my head even now and wonder why I deserve all the blessings that seem to continually flow in all areas of my life and in the times I ask this I once again hear that gentle voice whispering Daughter and the voice of My God once again brings a Peace and Joy and a knowing that all is ok.

For the first time ever I can say I am Free , whole and complete in God and I know now the real Journey of Gods plan for my life is just starting and I can’t tell you how excited I am about that. My life is no longer mine and I know I am called to serve my God and I have surrendered so as to let him lead me.

I have experienced alot of discrimination from fellow christians because of the lifestyle I have lived and it is a work in progress to change the attitudes of some people. But I believe that with education and time and prayer things will change.

I belive we are only here to love others as Jesus has loved us we are also not called to judge.

I Have been happily with my husband for 12 years and married for the past 4 I am at peace with who I am but my experiences in life have allowed me to spread the word to those in church who fear what they dont understand and really my sexuality was the least of my worries by the time I got back to God i needed help with addictions and things that were life threatening .

I just wanted to say that God loves us all I understand from both sides the struggles and I now have a few young people at my church which have come out to me and I am now able to minister to them without them feeling the shame and condemnation that others in the same situation have experienced.

Joined in 2006
December 31, 2007, 11:09

Hey Jozzi, so cool you shared your story……..far out you did go through it girl and am so glad you are where you are at, mannnnn the presence of God isnt it just the best. Is it possible to move your story to the “our story” section, is that ok?????? just copy/paste it over with a heading, you will have more people able to read it there.

If it wasnt for you I wouldnt have gotten saved when I did, So thankyou. Im sorry I introduced you to the “dark side” of spirituality, I didnt know any better and genuinely believed it was ok. The times you did pray for me and having that bible of yours around started the ball rolling, I even remembered when you prayed in tongues over me and I started to feel a tingle in my tummy and giggled and the pain I had left all these little things plus Ruth made a big difference.

God was always with you, its obvious to me now, he is so painfully faithful LOL ( I say that in jest wink ) thank God he is.

Joined in 2006
December 31, 2007, 11:10

jozzie said:


Dont be sorry I would not be where I am are today or even the person I am are today unless I had been through everything that I have been through. The only thing I do know is that it has led me to where I am and for that I am grateful.

As for what you showed me on the spiritual side of things it was only an introduction it was my choice to delve into the depths of it the way I did.And it has led me to the deepest spiritual side of God that I could ever imagine and the difference between that and the counterfeit things of God are mind blowing and an amazing peace and sense of God’s grace.


Joined in 2006
December 31, 2007, 11:12

AVB Said:

Hi Jozzie

as maggie said….thanks for sharing your story and welcome. I was thinking the same thing as Maggie reading your story…….I wondered if it belonged in the telling our stories section.

We know from research that sexuality for women is much more fluid than for men. I know a lot of people dont like labels so forgive me if this question offends but I dont think it was clear from your story. Would you consider yourself bisexual or an ex-gay these days.

I loved what you said about forgiveness……it is so true. From my own experience its what sets us free from the darkness and negative experiences of the past. When I meet people who seem stuck… can pretty well assume there is unforgiveness somewhere. Forgiving ourselves and others is a real key to making progress in life.

Joined in 2006
December 31, 2007, 11:13

Hey Jos, its true what a diiference between the real and the counterfeit am glad I went through it too, at least I know where not to go back to.

I am also glad you are there helping people understand that there needs to be no fear and judgement of gay people and that those who have come out to you have and am sure you have helped them much.

Joined in 2007
December 31, 2007, 11:41

Thanks to Mags and Avb for your welcome.

AVB I have thought long and hard about what I am these days and to be honest I am me but I believe I walked from homosexuality thrugh bi- sexuality and now i suppose if i was to call myself something it would be ex-gay (thought it sounds harsh !!)

I had a real revelation on forgiveness a while back and had the chance just yesterday to talk on it at church.

You see God says to forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors.

In reality it is not really the act that was inflicted upon us but what was stolen from us when that act occured.

In my own experience the day I was abused was horrible in itself but the things stolen from me were my self image my worth and my childhood.

I used to believe that the person who inflicted this on me owed me big time but in reality how could this person ever restore those things.

So I prayed and told God that I removed the debt of what was owed from that person and gave it to him and since God restores that exactly what he did.

It is not about letting the person off the hook but healing the lingering pain and poison that runs through you .

It certainly lead me into a life of self loathing addictions and destructive behaviours!! But now I have been lead to a sense of freedom that I have never had before . I had been bound up in all that for 20 years (long time to hold a grudge ..LOL)

It can be as simple as a parents put down that stays with us for so long. I spoke yesterday and the alter call at the end for people to come and forgive remove debts and start to heal was one of the biggest calls we have ever had in the church.

It was amazing !!

Joined in 2006
December 31, 2007, 11:56

Im not surprised the altar call was so large, the need for healing in every way is so immence, when you are hurt, its like having salt in your eyes, its stings and your vision of anything is blurred.

Ex Gay!!! ewww LOL it does sound harsh, I suppose as you said, why not just say, “yeh been through it all and am just me and to me that means I am with a man” or I dunno shock So if its ok to ask, your desire or need to be with a woman is no longer present? Why do you think that you wanted to be with a woman? ( by asking these questions I am by no means trying to balk you or convince you otherwise about your choice wink )

Joined in 2007
December 31, 2007, 12:18

I hate the term ex gay.and my no means will ever preach ex gay ministries.

I at the present have no desire to be with a woman but I think that I have just let God lead me to where he wants me to be.

For a long time I was still attracted to women and my husband was well aware of that.

I dont belive I made a choice not to be “gay” anymore just to do what was comfortable with me.

I really think there was so much more of me that actually needed dealing with other than my sexuality it almost seems like it just faded away as I became more comfortable with me.

By the time I got through dealing with addictions and some pretty deep spiritual stuff I was finally feeling ok with life.

The realtionship is deftniently different in the emotional sense with my husband than when I was with a woman.

I have now a great network of female friends who are straight bi and gay christian and non christian .

I was lucky enough to find a church that didnt belive they could change me and accepted where i was from and where i am and even where I am going.

My pastor actually said that the church needed more people like myself and jason to wake the church up to the fact that there was a world out there and its not always just 2.3 kids middle class and mortgages that made up a church!!

I look at my life and there really isnt much more i could go through so I find that I can relate to people from all backgrounds and lots of experiences.

So there you have it I hate labels and I got rid of a lot of them in the past 2 years so the only label i wear now is Daughter because thats what my God calls me!!

Joined in 2006
December 31, 2007, 13:00

Jozzie said: “My pastor actually said that the church needed more people like myself and jason to wake the church up to the fact that there was a world out there and its not always just 2.3 kids middle class and mortgages that made up a church!!”

LMAO…….gees amazing the perception isnt it???? Some churches are so stereotyped……what church do you go to???????

Its so true what you said, the more you let God deal with you as a “whole person” and not bits and pieces, some things do fall away or become better…. for me, the lesbian that I am didnt fall away it stayed and I became comfortable with it and God just uses and blesses me just as he ever did, I have peace about it all…….Jesus will always be my Lord and saviour. And yes the only heading I love too is “daughter” or “son” if only people really knew how much God loved them as his own children. I wonder what it will take for the church to sit up and take notice that God is an inclusive God.

Joined in 2006
January 14, 2008, 10:21

How do you find the response in churches you have spoken at or groups you have spoken to when you address the issue of homosexuality? Is there still a heavy outlook that one is lost forever or does there seem to be more of an acceptance/understanding than before? Do you find that people get some insight after you have spoken and do they say so? how do you now respond when you meet another lesbian or gay man?

(what blood type are you and how many times do you brush your teeth lol SORRY just hammered you with loads of questions and got the sillies in the end about it lol does your hair part left or right???ok someone stoppppppp me lol lol )

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