Hey guys. I've been doing a lot of contemplating these last few months and I now no longer consider myself to be a Christian, for a few reasons.
First, I've learnt that the word Christian is to be 'Christ-like', and I am anything but this – in fact not a day goes by where I still judge someone in my mind or say something that could be deemed as 'gossip' as it says in the bible. I think we're all guity of not being able to follow everything in the bible to be completely honest, and I'm sure if everyone is honest with themselves, we all still judge people no matter how hard we try not to – I guess you could call it human nature, but anyway… I just feel that labelling myself as a Christian would be doing both myself and the Christian faith a great disservice.
For as much research as I've being doing on the bible and as fascinating as it has all been (In particular, the stories of Enoch, Nephilim and potential secrets of the apostles and possibly lost books of the bible), I have unfortunately wound up with more questions than answers, and it has quite literally been killing me on the inside to know that I can't find out the truth in everything – like where we all come from… is there an afterlife… or why, despite everything, I've never experienced the feeling that God is there with me, that He loves me, or if there is any purpose in my life here on Earth. All the pain I've been through I just end up rationalizing with things like 'maybe this is just a test so I learn a lesson' or 'I'll get through this time of doubt', when I know it's not the case, and God certainly won't answer me.
For now, I do believe that there is still one true God or higher being (whatever you want to call it, I personally call it 'God' just as a general term) who created everything. The evidence of nature, the beauty of animals, and all that around me is enough for me to believe that everything can't have been created from nothing, by nothing. I suppose what I struggle with, then, is why I have been ignored by God my entire life. I feel like I'm just another creation that has been created and left abandoned, like a baby in a manger floating down stream for others to take care of.
I guess it would be easy for people to think that I'm rejecting religion simply because I've been struggling with being both gay and Christian and that I've been hurt by people from my own religion (not you guys though <3), and I must admit, a good part of that is true (about 50%), however it's not the entire reason why I have rejected my previous beliefs, and here's why. I have literally tried everything. Praying. Meditation. You name it, I've done it, and nothing for me has worked. Nothing has ever made me feel any presense of God, and if Jesus does exist, that truly is awesome, because He is the ultimate hero for everyone, however I just don't understand why He hasn't been there for me, or for many of us for that matter – it's like He's been on vacation and has been 'coming soon' for thousands of years now and I just don't believe He could be ending his vacation anytime soon in all honesty.
I am so frustrated. I suppose you could call me a religious skeptical believer. I'm not sure if there is even a label or term for that, I've wiki'ed it and it could mean I'm an 'agnostic thiest', I'm not exactly sure what word would sum up everything I believe now though – if you do, please let me know in a post below 😛 Basically I still believe in one true God that created everything, but I am skeptic of religious doctrines, what really happens after death, and put simply, I don't know what or who to believe anymore without real evidence and real contact with God – as people in the bible days supposedly experienced so long ago. All I know is that I've tried everything and nothing has worked, and it brings me deep sadness because it makes me doubt whether there truly is any meaning to life.
I'm sure that people in real life will now look at me as though I'm a fruit loop for not following a specific religion anymore (I know that my relatives will never understand both my sexuality and my position on religious doctrine, that's for sure), but I just want to be honest, and this is what I've been feeling. I'm sorry if this thread offends anyone, I just feel that, until I experience a true feeling or knowing that God is with me, that He loves me, that praying and/or meditation actually works, and that there is an amazing life for us after death, I'm completely done with religion.
I wish I could have made a happier post guys, but there you go… if it all seems too depressing and isn't exactly what you guys wanted to see on F2B because, after all, this forum is about reconciling sexuality and faith (not letting go of faith), I will fully understand if it's removed. If there's any upside, I have found true freedom in letting go of a lot of self loathing that the church I once went to, put me through. And, in a big way, letting go of religion in general, has allowed me to just get on with my life. It certainly doesn't make it easier, because I still feel like I need answers to burning 'life' sort of questions that I will no doubt always have, but discarding religion has given me some sort of liberation and self acceptance.